Cocktailing

Do people ever actually get laid at bars? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten picked up at a bar. I’ve met women through friends, through friends of friends, through exes, through exes’ friends and I got picked up at my sister’s wedding by her best friend from high school, but I have never been picked up in a bar by a stranger. But according to basically everyone I know, dyke bars are still the 15 items or less express line to getting in someone’s pants.

The other night I was with a bunch of old friends—a group comprised of bartenders, bar owners and, well, bar patrons. I interviewed some of the bartenders from this group for my dating advice book, Girl Meets Girl, and since we were all together again I figured it was the perfect time to check and see if anything major had changed in dyke bar etiquette.

Here’s some advice from your local bartenders and bar owners on how to look cool while holding stemware.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Diana: What’s a good drink to order if you want to appear smooth for your date?

Bartendress: For ladies I think a cocktail is impressive. Especially if you know what you want it mixed with and how you want it poured. But for butches a cocktail is a little fey.

Bartender: Though butches can get away with ordering a cocktail in a rocks glass or a tumbler. A lot of people don’t want to hold a martini glass. Knowing what you want to drink and ordering it confidently is key.

Diana: What should you avoid ordering if you don’t want to look stupid.

Bartendress: Tropical drinks. People have ordered pina coladas at the Lexington before. We aren’t in Cancun and I cant crack open a fresh coconut. I’m just going to pull some nasty mixer off the back of the shelf.

Bartender: Order classic cocktails. Stay away from fruity tropical things, they make you look like a kid. If you want something sweet, order something old fashioned like a French martini instead. Or order bourbon on the rocks.

Diana: What do people order if they want to get laid?

Bartender: Shots.

Bartendress: Shots.

Diana: Do they order shots for themselves or for their date?

Bartender: You can’t just order shots for your date. 

Diana: You mean you can’t order yourself a beer and then say “And she’ll have six kamikazes and a roofie?”

Bartender: People start ordering shots when they are ready to get the party started. 

Diana: What should you do if your date gets really trashed?

Bartender: You should probably end your date. Make sure they have a safe way to get home. Ask the bartender to call a cab. And basically just make sure that she’s alright. Whatever you do, don’t take her home and have sex with her when she’s trashed.

Bartendress: And call her the next morning to check in. She probably feels embarrassed.

Diana: What’s a good way to make sure you don’t get drunk and make an ass of yourself?

Bartender: Eat before you go out. And then order club soda in between cocktails. If you are going to be out all night, make sure you drink a lot of water.

Bartendress: Don’t experiment with new cocktails.

Diana: How do you meet girls in bars? Is it cool to buy someone a drink?

Bartendress: You mean cold? Without knowing them at all? It’s a pretty ballsy move. I don’t suggest it.

Bartender: You can enlist the bartender’s help. It’s ok to ask what she’s drinking and if she’s alone or with a date.

Bartendress: I would try talking to her before I offered her a drink. If you send a drink over to her she’ll feel obligated.

Diana: Yeah, that’s true. I never know what to do when people send me drinks. I usually just have sex with them right there at the bar. Oh that brings me to my next question. Is it OK to have sex in the bathroom? Or is that just too trashy?

Bartendress: It’s better than doing it in front of everyone.

Bartender: Don’t make out on the pool table. It’s really tacky. It might feel really hot to you, but probably everyone else just wants to play pool.

Miss Diana's last article? Read it here!