I like to think of myself as a newbie when it comes to lesbian related etiquette -- the so-called dos and don'ts of table manners. After all, I only have a decade under my belt as a devout "woman who likes women" practitioner and, granted, not a whole lot of dating mileage to account for.

While it's absolutely not a problem to me, it seems however to be an issue for some of my fellow Lesbos - especially the ones miraculously inclined to have a little penchant for me. What I have recently discovered to be one of the ultimate dining modes of conducts among the ladies is that you unflinchingly are required to either be left or right handed when using your fork - but never EVER both.

What this means in my case is that my 28-year criminal record as a sexually straight felon somehow poses a threat to some who consequently question the validity of my gayness.

"How come it took you that long to figure it out?" they keep grilling me

Well forgive me if I am a bit on the slow side but truly it's not my fault if Angelina Jolie only came to me in the late 1990s when I was bidding a fond final adieu to my life in my twenties. I guess the underlining problem for these suspicious minds boils down to one fundamental question: deal or no deal - meaning am I bisexual or I am really gay?

There is undeniably a genuine fear around the so-called bisexual phenomenon known as bi-phobia. Labeling your sexual orientation under the bisexual marquee is metaphorically saying that you may or may not change. And because you're "either or" but "neither nor," the skepticism of some lesbians stems from a feeling of mistrust, meaning the constant agonizing threat that you will not only cheat but inevitably reject them for men.

Bisexual by default is a euphemism for "bye bye." The general consensus among the L Word community is that women who have a tendency to want to be intimate with someone of both the same and the opposite sex are to be avoided like the plague not just because they are seen as human beings with absolutely no sense of boundaries but mainly because they are viewed as impostors.

The belief is that bisexual women are primarily straight yet temporarily toying with the idea of lesbianism only to indulge in a little experimenting play time parenthesis, inevitably tossing their playmates when time is up, playground shuts down and big daddy comes to pick them up. Yet, while some might genuinely wear their bisexual tag, odds are they will eventually succumb to the social pressure of having to conform to society's expected standards.

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Perplexed about what seems to be a universally shared mental indisposition vis a vis women living life in the bi-lane, I of course called my lesbian guru friend, Kristina, for the final word.

"Mona, listen carefully: cock always wins," she said with authoritative confidence.
"There's no such thing as bisexual, she's either just very sexual, very horny, bi-curious or very confused," Kristina concluded.

"That's preposterous!" I thought to myself. Perhaps I should remind her that the last boyfriend I've had - the last man I have ever been with -- was apparently so damaged after bravely surviving the emotionally traumatic rollercoaster ride I put him through in the course of our short-lived relationship that he went on to find solace in the arms of a man -- and yes, proceeded to live a happy gay life. Ironically, so did I.

My point is that we should all be given the benefit of the doubt. Obviously, while I did do most of my time in the straight world, nevertheless, after serving my sentence, I successfully pulled a Paris Hilton life-changing epiphany. Yep, if a spiritual leader was born with Paris Hilton, a consummate lesbian was awakened in me.

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I for one prefer not to prejudicially judge too quickly. After all, aren't we all innocent until proven guilty? It is hypocritical of us to condemningly categorize bisexuals by automatically accusing them of being unfaithful, natural born cheaters, and/or untrustworthy when we ourselves resent it when others crucify our alternative lifestyle and give us the discrimination treatment.  

The Seven Deadly Sins are characteristic traits of an individual not a condition attached to a sexual identification - you're either a cheater or you're not, no ambiguity there!
Gay people cheat and lie just as much as the straights do. Why are we obsessed with the menace that she might leave us for a man when she could just as well leave us for another woman?

Personally I think, the focal point of the conversation, to be logically rational, shouldn't so much be on whether someone is bisexual but whether she is able to think of relationships in a binary fashion. Isn't that what the phobia is all about: the fear of investing emotional energy in someone who's running on thin air?

I don't question someone's loyalty to my ranks; I question their aptitude for monogamy. And I'm speaking from experience as I have found myself both the victim and the victimizer...sort of.

When I first landed on planet gay I struggled my way through immigration and customs as the passport control officers thought I was just coming out to play. While I had a valid visa and had applied for a permanent residency status, somehow they were suspicious I might have secretly bought a round-trip ticket as well - just in case I wouldn't master the language.

Ironically I did get lost in translation when one officer, for whom I particularly felt a magnetic attraction to, grilled me about the substantial amount of stamps on my passport from previous visits to "dicky-land." Really, it was a semantic misunderstanding!
I made the innocent yet costly mistake to tell her that I was not anti-men. What I meant was that I couldn't not deny the past 28 years of my life because I now chose to fly at a different altitude. I never said that I intended to keep my frequent flyer "men" card, only that to pretend I never had it would erase a huge part of who I used to be and rob me of a past that is very much a part of me. Ironically she took this as a confession of bisexuality - meaning I was repressively disguising my true self - and, hence, sent me straight to stand in the foreign-born "aliens" line.

If generally speaking lesbians know better than to date one (bisexual), apparently I don't know otherwise. All of my past girlfriends belong to the class of "bi-fore I was gay I used to be straight" and most of them never turned Anne Heche on me (and neither did I) - all of them with the exception of one who magnificently pulled a "bi the way I am not really gay." Yet I'm not holding this against the entire bisexual human race as she wasn't so much sexually promiscuous, confused or untrue to her "real" self, as much as she was just sensationally retarded.


Let me bottom line it.  I don't have a sexual orientation BIas but whatever you are, just BI it.