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Stand-up comic and Cherry Bomb cohost Gloria Bigelow develops her theory for Standard Lesbian Practice # 93. It's fairly simple when it comes to which one in the lesbian relationship chooses the size of the dildo. 'The one who feels it inside -- is the one who decides!'
Standard Lesbian Practice # 93
It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic it makes- (I read that on my dad’s keychain when I was a little kid, and it’s only now that I’m realizing that it probably wasn’t about magic. And I’m also wondering why he would walk around with that).
Anyhoo…
Your “masculinity” isn’t about the size; it’s about how you win the prize. Eh -- a little amateur but I’m giving it a shot.
Ooh this one is pretty good:
If the dildo don’t fit… you must acquit.
Okay, those are a little corny I know. And the rhymes are a little bit well… forced. But the reasoning behind it makes a lot of sense, no?
One of my cute butchy-butch friends and I were shopping in Toy’s of Eros -- a sex store in P-town -- when she walked by a dildo (by the way ya’ll can we find a better word for that) and her eyes lit up like a kind of dyke in a candy store, or like a dyke in a sex store, which is probably more apropos and accurate.
I couldn’t help but notice the smile on her face, so leaving my assortment of edible panties behind, I ran over to see the cause for such jubilation.
There it was, “The Outlaw!” A full 9 ½ inches of tanned silicone.
“What the hell is that?” I screamed!
“My next dildo.” She smiled.
“Where the hell you putting that? You plannin’ on snaking a drain or somethin’?”
“No, I’m getting that for my girl.”
“Did she ask for that?”
“No, but I want it.”
Now, I’ve never been a butch -- but I’ve dated a few -- and I wish that one would have come home with a Yankee Candle sized toy- talkin’ about she’s going to put that anywhere near my Vag cause SHE likes it.
“ Has anyone every used a toy on you?”
“Hell no!” She quickly replied.
“I see. And, as I recall honey, you asked me for a pad one day. I handed you an ultra-thin, Tampax Pearl and you hollered, I’m not putting that thing in me. It’s huge.”
“Yeah well,” she replied. “This is different. This is for me. I like its size.”
“Why?”
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(continued)
“I don’t know, the smaller ones seem emasculating.”
Bursting into laughter… “Seriously?” I questioned.
“Yeah, the bigger- the d*&^ the more power I feel.”
And again, I’ve never been a butch but am I being insensitive here when I say,
“The shit’s not real. Get over yourself!”
Do I need to investigate the gender bending or use of toys as a part of a person’s perceived masculinity? In theory, if a smaller one is emasculating then there must be something about her to emasculate, right?
So let’s say that’s the case. That a toy is an extension of her, then wouldn’t the true test be in the sexing and not in the sizing.
“ Does your girl know about this 9 ½ inches of crazy that you’re planning on bringing home?”
“No, she’ll be okay.”
“Does she like things that look like baseball bats coming toward her vag? Shouldn’t she have a say in this!”
“She’ll have to get use to it!”
My vag began to cry and implored me to write a standard lesbian practice for all of the other vag’s out there:
STANDARD LESBIAN PRACTICE # 93
The one who’s getting it -- is pickin’ it.
The one who feels it inside -- is the one who decides!
If I sat here at the computer long enough I could probably come up with a couple more trite rhymes but the point is. it’s her body and if you’re the one who is lucky enough to enter it, do it with regard, with reverence and with respect.
If she wants something the size of a two liter bottle of Coke then it’s fine with me but that’s her decision!
Don’t let an ego DIC-tate (insert the oh so obvious but appropriate pun).
It’s satisfaction not size that satisfies the ego, no!
Catch up with Gloria and her special brand of wisdom.
