Love Advice For Gay Twentysomethings: How to Hook Up — and Break Up

Photos: via Facebook

Famed columnist Michael Musto cornered the author of The Gay Gospel to get tips on dating — because the gospel should include that, obviously — and we're glad he did. The author of the Gospel is Justin Luke — one of NYC’s most popular party promoters and co-owner (with Alan Picus) of BoiParty.com, which throws regular young-gay-oriented events at clubs like Copacabana and Up & Down. It's actually not the word of God but a self-help guide for gay twentysomethings, which includessubdivisions like the Book of Living, the Book of Dating, the Book of Fucking, and the Book of Breaking Up. It will come out November 18, though the e-book is orderable now. Having contributed the foreword for the book, Musto asked Justin Luke, who’s 32, for a chat about his attempt to enrich the lives of those of who are younger and more impressionable.

Michael Musto: Hi, Justin. Why did you want to do a book giving advice to young gays?

Justin Luke: I just celebrated my five-year anniversary with BoiParty. Over the past five years, I’ve found myself in situations dishing out advice to my guests. They always come to me. They’re dealing with an ex or they like this guy or should they do this together or how do they break up? I thought, “Rather than give advice and have it disappear into nothingness, why not put it all into a book?”

And your primary advice is…?

You don’t need a boyfriend. If you are saying that you need a boyfriend, the last thing you actually need is a boyfriend. A boyfriend is not going to fix all your problems. Fix yourself and work on you to the point where a boyfriend would be a nice addition.

OK, but let’s say you’ve got one anyway, and you don’t want him anymore. What’s your sage advice about ending it?

I give a couple of different options. First of all, if you’re breaking up with someone, then please realize that you’re the asshole. Don’t try to come out looking clean.

But what if the boyfriend was the asshole and that’s why you want to break up with them?

That might be the case, but you’re the one breaking up. Anyway, don’t do it with any texts, emails, or phone calls. Go straight in person and talk it out. If you want to, give a reason, but it doesn’t really matter because it won’t be accepted.

How do you feel about young gays having open relationships? Does that help avert breakups?

I have a large chapter on that. I know lots of very happy open relationships and lots of very happy not open relationships. I also know miserable ones of both types. I say there’s one kind of monogamous relationship and unlimited kinds of open ones. I know a couple who are completely monogamous, but they go on vacation one week a year to Mykonos or wherever, and while they’re on vacation, they can fuck whoever they want or have threeways. That’s their open relationship. I know a couple who are 100% monogamous, but they’re allowed to make out with other people when they go out at night. That’s it. And that’s their open relationship. It’s a case-by-case basis. To have an open relationship that works, you have to figure out your specific body of rules and understandings. It’s not guaranteed happiness. Don’t expect that your relationship becomes perfection the second you open it. There are still arguments. But sexual monogamy is not the reason to end a perfectly great relationship. An open relationship is very much an option for everyone to consider.

How about dating via all those apps and sites, which seems the way to go these days?

I don’t talk that much about it in the book. I talk about dealing with a fake profile. But I don’t think it needs much explaining. Most people tend to know how to work it. If you can order a cleaning person online, why not a date? When I was in my twenties, it was very taboo to admit you met someone online. Now it’s OK. That’s how the word is turning.

Is it OK for a young gay to say, “I want to live a relatively quiet, anonymous life. I don’t even want to go to nightclubs”?

Sure: From 21 to 25, I didn’t even drink or go to clubs.

Did you make up for lost time?

I pretty much did. But nightlife is not a mandatory thing. We should stop judging each other. Either you go out and party or you don’t. No one has the right to stand on a pedestal and judge. We all need to stop judging each other because there‘s plenty of judgment against us already.

Whether they’re muscley or skinny, committed or open, do you feel that gay twentysomethings are extra sensitive because things are new to them? Aren’t they sometimes like walking raw nerves?

They’re very extra sensitive, very vulnerable. There’s a propensity for judgment. I started a Facebook group called GG 20 (Gorgeous, Gay and twentysomething). It lets me watch how they interact. Older people get the struggle, how the world turns, and they are a little more willing. But a lot of twentysomethings are quick to judge. I’m trying to get them to calm down, take a breath, and not take everything so seriously. No one expects you to have your shit together. And if a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean you’re broken!

That’s good news for those who are trying to start one. Thanks, Justin. Good luck with the book.

A version of the story by Michael Musto originally appeared on Out.