This is part one of an occasional series, whose frequency depends on how many absurd stories I’ve heard recently. Here is a representative selection of the weird shit my lovely friends and I get up (or down) to in our spare time….
1)A nunnery in Paris
Okay, so it was a choir tour and the nuns were hosting. But still. How many women can genuinely claim to have had sex in an actual nunnery? There should be a prize or something.
2)The middle of the Australian outback
This would have been fine, but the pickup partner in question was actually the tour guide, and the incident somewhat detracted from the planned Evening Activity for the rest of the group…
3)A tent in Trafalgar Square during a Stop the War march
A 4-person tent containing 7 people, no less. One has to hope that at least they were people with limited hearing, or else that all the noise of a major political protest drowned out any accidental sound effects.
4)An airplane toilet somewhere over the Atlantic
This was mostly uncomfortable, but entirely worth it to be able to say ‘Mile High Club’ at parties. It’s almost like they structure airplane toilets to make it difficult for you to fuck in them or something. I am a small person, my partner relatively so, and still it was…awkward.
5)A decommissioned Army ambulance
With beds and handy restraints still intact. Very practical, apparently, especially for the more kink-inclined participant.
6)An aircraft hangar at night-time
Apparently, hangars at night are dark and deserted and ideal for a bit of clandestine lovin’. The sneaking in is the tricky part. Allegedly.
7)A childhood bunk bed in the shape of a pink fairytale princess castle
We’ve probably all done the dirty in our partners’ childhood beds at some point, but this really is a particularly egregious example. It inspired some Disney princess femmeslash, though, so happy ending?
8)A nuclear energy sculpture at the University of Chicago
Apparently the indentation on the west side of this charming Henry Moore sculpture is at perfect butt height. Hijinks have been known to ensue. Fyi, it ‘commemorates the exact location where the Manhattan Project team devised the first nuclear reactor to produce the first self-sustaining controlled nuclear reaction’. Any symbolism entirely unintentional.
9)The English faculty photocopy room during a drinks reception
What better way to entertain yourselves whilst the actual faculty consume wine and discuss Joyce and Derrida? Pro tip: shove some of those massive boxes of A4 against the door, it will at least slow down anybody who suddenly decides they need handouts for Monday’s seminar.
10) A hole in the ground
The people in question were serving in the military at the time. I think it remains only to admire their enthusiasm and dedication to the cause.
11) On a motorbike travelling down the M6 (major highway in England)
Quite how this was feasible without bloody carnage I will never know, but a good friend swears blind it happened. Don't try this at home, kids. (Although if you do, let me know how you managed with leathers...)
Many thanks to Drew, Stacy, Bill, Sal, Yvette, Lynnette, Karen, Jo, Joanne, Sam, and Meg for their improbable yet fascinating tales of lustful adventure.
