8 Oscar Snubs that NEVER Would Have Happened If We Were Voting

Within minutes of the 2014 Oscar nominations announcements the pundits were alternately praising and bemoaning the Academy’s choices. Who knows what goes through the minds of the Oscar voters who couldn’t look past the 20-minute scissoring scene in Blue Is the Warmest Color to realize that its stars delivered two of the most fearless and visceral performances of the year. With its rigid adherence to categories like Best Actress, Best Screenwriter, etc… we thought we’d imagine what the Oscar nominations would be if the Academy loosened up or if we were doing the voting! 

Scarlett Johansson - The Sexy Voice of Your Next Operating System 

We've known Scarlett Johansson is an absolute pleasure to look at while on a 70-foot film screen, but ScarJo as Hal — I mean Samantha in Her — will make you do crazy things like dance like have phone sex with something that looks like a 99 Cent Store folding pocket mirror. The worst thing about Her is that when humans eventually do resort to falling in love with operating systems, no one is going to get magically matched up with an O.S. that sounds like Samantha. If we're lucky, maybe Siri will come up with a clever answer when we ask her questions like, "Why won't anyone love me!?"

Julia Roberts - 'Eat the Fucking Fish' Speech 

This former “America’s Sweetheart” is a long way from Pretty Woman and Knotting Hill with her brittle portrayal of the eldest daughter of a dysfunctional Oklahoma clan in August: Osage County, and she’s never been better! It’s pretty tough to best Meryl Streep in a movie but we’re going to taunt the Meryl devotees (as we are among them) and argue that it was Julia’s movie. That said, NOTHING beats her “eat the fucking fish” speech. It may be our favorite scene in a movie this year – you know, aside from all of the scissoring in Blue (Is the Warmest Color – not Jasmine. Although that would have been fine too.) But that speech deserves its own category! 

The Tabby Cat from Inside Llewen Davis

Everyone made such a damned big deal over The Artist’s Uggie the Dog a few years back (admittedly, he was cute), but where’s the love for the tabby cat/s who starred in the Coen Brothers ode to ‘60s Greenwich Village? The role of a tabby being hauled through the streets of New York, battling public transportation, and heading out on a cross-country road trip was so demanding that it was shared by two equally talented cactors (cat actors). Look at the cat in the photo above -- it’s giving us, I’m freezing, hungry, there’s a catnip toy with my name on it, and I’ll claw your fucking face off, and all with just the one look. 

Julie Delpy's Fighting Boobs in Before Midnight

If you're keeping up with Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke's years-long trilogy directed and co-written by Richard Linklater, that means you know exactly why Delpy's boobs would never have been shunned. Have you ever had an all-out argument with anyone while topless? It's freaking impossible, but somehow Delpy perseveres, for several minutes. After a while, you just want her to put on a sports bra to handle all that tension. Bravo, boobs. Bravo.

Adèle Exarchopoulos and Léa Seydoux

We kid about Blue’s sex scenes, which are intense, acrobatic, and seemingly endless -- especially if you watched them in a crowded theater surrounded by total strangers—but its stars, Adèle Exarchopoulos and Léa Seydoux, are revelatory and fearless in their roles as young lovers who engage in a years-long epic love story that ends as viscerally as it begins. They’re the second and third women to ever be awarded the Palme D’or at Cannes (after Jane Campion) and they totally deserve the honor. It would have been a real coup for both of these actresses to snag acting nods. 

Cate Blanchett's Pit Stain Method Acting 

Speaking of fearless, Cate Blanchett was just that as the acerbic, clueless wife of a Bernie Madoff type who swills top-shelf vodka and squats at her less-privileged sister’s house in Blue Jasmine. Cate is likely a shoo-in to win the Best Actress Oscar this year, but special notice should be awarded to Cate’s pit stains -- sweaty metaphors for her character’s psychological meltdown. Since Cate is the ultimate lady we might assume that someone from wardrobe or makeup dabbed sea salt water on her underarms for that effect, but Cate is also pure method, so we’re sure she sweated out those stains with the fervor of a good Claire Danes’ cry. 

Oprah for EVERYTHING! 

Once upon a time a newly crowned national talk show host wowed Oscar voters with her heartrending turn as Miss Sofia in The Color Purple. That talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, would go on to pretty much become the queen of everything while the “Winfrey” would become superfluous. We’re pretty sure Oprah could single-handedly run the planet, so why couldn’t the Academy voters throw an acting nod her way for her excellent return to acting in Lee Daniels’ The Butler? That hilarious upstart Jennifer Lawrence is getting major side eye from Oprah devotees! No matter though, if we were voting, Oprah would win for EVERYTHING! She’s Oprah for f*ck's sake! 

Sandra Bullock's Anti-Gravity Booty Shorts

Talk about space-aged! Sure, Sandra Bullock acted alone with green screen for nearly all of Gravity’s running time, but those space booty shorts had a life of their own. Honestly, we’re pretty sure it was all Sandy and her killer 49-year-old body, but whether it was her or the anti-gravity shorts, somebody get NASA on the line! It all deserves an award. 

Amy Adams' Epic Sideboob

Speaking of anti-gravity, we saw more of Amy Adams’ side boob in American Hustle than we have of our own in our whole lives! Her side boob in that film is a win for double-sided tape everywhere, and let’s face it, it’s a win for viewers too! Let’s hear it for the costumer who had to keep those suckers in place for however many months it took to film AH!