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5 Things We Learned from this Week's AHS: Freak Show - Don't Eat the Pink Cupcake! 

5 Things We Learned from this Week's American Horror Story: Freak Show

5 Things We Learned from this Week's American Horror Story: Freak Show

Halloween may be over but the chills, thrills, and kills live (and die) on.


It's another blood-soaked week here in Jupiter, Florida, and no one's poised to make it out alive. Sure, Ryan Murphy's promised us that - unlike last year's undead Coven experience - once a freak is dead, they're dead for good. However, he's found new and creative ways around that little issue, so prepare to always be on your toes. Assuming they haven't been chopped off and dismembered by the crazy kid next door...which brings us to our first lesson!


1. Murder is an affliction of the exteremly affluent: Gloria Mott quickly learns her son is a bit of a letdown this week when his attempt to cover up the murder of their maid turns out to be so flimsy it takes her all of half a second to unravel. However, she seems completely unphased by her son's new pentient for knifing people to deat, and casually explains this is to be expected as inbreeding is common in rich families to protect their fortunes, so it's only natural that Dandy would be going off the deep end a bit. For Gloria, this is reason enough to aid her son in covering up the murder by planting a nice flower patch in the garden right over their maid's dead, hidden body. I mean, as long as there's a scientific reason murder's not that bad, right? (No, it 100% is). Either way, let's just assume we've grown away from this trend. Or that we're teaching our lovely inbred children not to kill people, even if it's a hard instinct to fight.




2. School buses are not safe zones: This week we were introduced to a new character, a male prostitute played by actual human Disney Prince Matt Bomer. In an episode somewhat full of surprises, he offers one of the first - he's the lover of Michael Chiklis' strongman Dell, only Dell's ready to buy him an apartment on the seaside, while it's just business to him.  Dell's not happy with this and storms off, leaving Matt at the disposal of Dandy, who's come to the gay bar to get some more hands-on experience as a hardcore murderer. With $100, Dandy lures the poor guy to Twisty the Clown's old school bus haunt and then stabs him to death, dismembers him, and weeps copiously when it takes this tragic man a rather long time to die. Beware of sketchy schoolbuses, friends. As for Dell, he continues to have a rough day when he finds out the wife he thought also had a penis turns out to just have an enlarged clit and absolutely no male genitalia at all. She's thrilled by the news that she's actually entirely female-bodied, can have children, and can even get her clit resized, but Dell's having none of this and puts an end to any surgical possibilities by smashing her doctor's fingers to bits. In fact, there are so many lessons in this subplot that we've just decided to give up and enjoy Matt Bomber's actual human Disney Prince-like existence.



3. Demand a list of ingredients for all homemade baked goods your offered: We recently met Denis O'Hare's sleezy conman Stanley, and he's wasting no time attempting to deliver on his promise to kill Dot and Bette and collect the rewards for their unusual anatomy. In fact, for a moment, we truly believe he has had them murdered, and we even get flashbacks of Bette taking a bite of a poisoned pink cupcake and then dying right at the side of her very coherent and horrified sister before Stanly smothers her to death. For all the gratuitious blood and guts in this episode, this moment of sisterly terror is actually the most chilling bit of the episode. But silly viewers, death is never for real on American Horror Story, and it turns out that, in reality, Dot and Bette refused the cupcakes so that they could watch their figure, thus escaping a gruesome death. Or have they...



4. David Bowie can't always save you: Elsa's beginning to face the cold, harsh reality that her David Bowie covers aren't exactly hitting many Floridian's sweet spots, and nothing makes this clearer than lots of popcorn being thrown at her while she attempts to perform. Lucky for her, she's been offered a (fake) TV show by Stanley and decides to run with the offer. She also decides that Dot and Bette need to run with her, but only as far as Dandy and Gloria's house, where she's decided to drop them off as gifts. Better than death by cupcake, eh? 

5. Abducting conjoined twins may not go unnoticed: Elsa might have finally crossed the line next week (sadly, it wasn't Ariana Grande) by sending Dot and Bette to go live with dear ol' Dandy, and the freaks aren't having any of it. Will they finally revolt against Elsa? Will Dot and Bette get get gruesomely murdered, or will they become Dandy's newest besties who he can tell all his closest secrets to? Will the cute blonde girl babysitter ever return? Only time will tell...
Advocate Channel - The Pride StoreOut / Advocate Magazine - Jonathan Groff and Wayne Brady

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Preston Max Allen