This Bi Vlogger Reading Old Diary Entries Will Make You Laugh and Cry

In one of our *fave* videos ever, Alayna Fender reviewed her old diary entries in a way that was 100% unfiltered. She’d previously done a similar video, but she left out all of the parts about her sexuality, as she wasn’t yet out to the public. Now that she’s out as bi, she wanted to go back and review the entries where she talks about dealing with her sexuality.

The resulting video was funny—and so sad.

Alayna started with her usual sense of humor, mocking her old crushes on girls and how silly our pasts sound when we look back on them. Talking about one experience, in particular, Alayna laughs, saying, “Clearly I did not understand that I had a HUGE crush on this girl.”

It’s hilarious to watch along because, in hindsight, so many of us have those experiences where we had a “friend crush” that was really just a straight up crush, or were totally fixated on a totally awesome girl because we were totally into her, not just because we wanted to be like her.

But things get sad, too.

She reflected on one experience that she later went back and literally scribbled out because of how ashamed she was. Alayna talked to her friend about an experience she’d had with a woman, and because of her sexuality, her friend made several very cruel comments. Just listening to it is heartbreaking, but it’s something many of us have felt, that feeling of being boxed out by homophobic friends who we once thought would love us no matter what.

Reflecting on that moment, Alayna said, “I wish back then I had discovered YouTube. I wish I knew that I wasn't disgusting, and I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t wrong. Because I remember feeling like that.” She laughed. “This was supposed to be a fun video!”

In a world where bisexuality is all but erased (though, slowly but surely, making its way to the mainstream), it’s so important to have young women like Alayna just be vulnerable and get real with her audience. As a vlogger, she has a lot of power over the culture of our youth, and I can imagine a younger version of myself watching this video and totally relating.

Because she’s right. We really are never alone, even when it feels like it.