Digital Collage by Rachel Shatto for Pride.com (elements: Darya Lavinskaya/Shutterstock)
We’ve already taught you all about oral sex, now it’s time to whip your fingers into shape!
Fingering is an essential part of sapphic sex, which means that if you want to impress the vulva owner in your bed, you're going to need to up your game.
If you’re a baby gay or just brand new to having sex with women, don’t worry, our experts have got you covered. These tips and tricks will have you looking like a fingering virtuoso to any queer woman or trans and nonbinary person you take to bed.
So whether you’re an old hand at fingering and want to brush up on your skill set, or are someone who has never touched a V before and doesn’t know where to start, our experts will have you looking like an Olympic-level bean flicker in no time.
1. Get them aroused first
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Before you get to the holy land, take your time and get your partner warmed up first. Eventually, you’ll start touching their V, but first you want to get them turned on — and maybe even begging for your fingers.
“Rather than going from zero to ‘fingers,’ think of fingering as something that happens after arousal has already begun building in the body,” Gabrielle Kassel, queer sex educator for DatingAdvice.com, tells PRIDE. “If this is a partner you already have experience with, use what you already know your partner likes (e.g., kissing, nipple stimulation, dirty talk, hand massage, eye gazing, etc.) to build arousal. If this is a new partner, ask them what they like.”
2. Go Slow
Take your time and don’t rush the process. Not only will it be better for your partner, but it will also give you time to explore and learn from their body cues, and you will feel less pressure.
“Use your fingers gently at first and pay close attention to your partner’s responses,” queer relationship therapist and sexologist Dr. Joy Berkheimer tells PRIDE. “Explore different pressures, angles, and speeds, there isn't one right way to finger — everybody is different, so put any egos or fears aside and adjust accordingly — take your time here!”
3. Take care of your hands
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Don’t put your grubby hands anywhere near someone’s vulva and vagina until you’ve washed your hands, unless your end goal is giving your partner a yeast infection. And make sure you're thinking about whether or not those long nails are a good idea. “That really cute manicure you got with acrylics may be great for a date night but won't be great for fingering,” says Kai Korpak, an LGBTQ+ sex therapist and the assistant director at Best Therapies.
If you’re wedded to your long nails, consider getting a lesbian manicure or using the tired and true trick of using cotton balls and latex gloves. “If you have longer fingernails, consider putting some latex gloves and cotton balls nearby,” Kessel explains. “Place a bit of cotton beneath your nail before sliding on the glove will help dull any sharp nail edge or hand nail, and thus prevent scratching very sensitive internal tissue.”
4. Communication, communication, communication
Communication is the key to any mind-blowing — and healthy — sexual experience, including fingering. Talking openly about what you both want and what you feel comfortable with will help ensure everyone has a great time. “You can simply ask what feels good, or what doesn’t, and then keep checking in regularly,” Dr. Berkheimer says. “Nothing should feel rushed or uncomfortable.”
5. Lube is your friend
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Honestly, there are very few sexual techniques and positions that aren’t made better by adding lube, but this is especially true for fingering. Adding a good lubricant if the person you’re touching isn’t wet enough, or if you’re using toys, or fingering their anus, will make everything feel a million times better.
“If you are going to finger someone's butt make sure you're using even more lube than you think you need and go slow,” Korpak says. “Also remember to not go from the back hole to the front hole, that is a recipe for yeast infections.”
6. Don't just focus on the clit and G-spot
Don’t jump right to touching your partner's clit, you’re going to want to build up to that. Get them as turned on as possible, then start touching everywhere but their clit, before going for gold. Then, while you’re stimulating their clit, add pressure to the G-Spot by making a “come hither” motion with your fingers.
“If you're not sure where to focus on, try the clitoris and/or G-Spot," Dr. Berkheimer explains. "You can even combine stimulation here. Gently tease the clitoris with your fingers or explore the G-spot internally.”
7. Expand your definition of fingering
Fingering can be so much broader that you’ve probably been led to believe and by expanding your definition of the sex act, not only can you have more fun, but people of different genders and with different genitals will feel accepted, sexy, and affirmed.
“The first thing I want folks to remember is that fingering is not only the act of inserting one or more fingers into someone’s vagina or anus,” Kassel says. “Fingering is any use of the fingers for the sake of pleasure and stimulation. This could look like internal or external stimulation stroking, circling, tapping, holding, pressing, or sliding. Expanding this definition not only affirms people of all bodies and genders, it also gives you the freedom to play while you’re actually in the moment.”
8. Don’t be afraid to use toys
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It may be called “fingering,” but that doesn’t mean you can't recruit some battery-powered friends. So keep a selection of toys nearby and don’t be afraid to touch your partner with one hand, while your other hand is using a sex toy to bring her even more pleasure.
“And, because fingering is far more than just finger going in holes, remember that ‘fingering’ can include finger-like toys too,” Kassel says. “So, consider pulling out the prostate massager, thrusting vibrator, or G-spot wand, if that’s something you or your partner enjoys.”
9. Touch yourself too
Once you’ve gotten the hand of fingering, try leveling up by touching yourself at the same time. “You can level up by practicing self-love. It takes time to master fingerplay, so be kind to yourself and test you what you like,” Dr. Berkheimer says.
Breaking up is never easy. Whether you’re the one initiating it or your partner ends things, inevitably, there will be some hurt feelings on either side.
That’s why some people, rather than facing it head-on, take a less direct approach—one that may feel like the easier route but can actually be quite harmful.
What we’re talking about is the toxic breakup trend known as “quiet dumping.” To better understand where this term comes from, why it can be damaging, and the signs it might be happening to you, PRIDE spoke with Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad; licensed clinical social worker Shanni Liang; and Ed Bell, a dating and relationship coach for gay and bi men. Here’s what they had to say.
What is “quiet dumping,” and where did the term originate?
Does it seem like your partner has suddenly gone quiet? Are they harder to reach, both literally and figuratively? They may be in the process of quiet dumping you. The term is adapted from the work term "quiet quitting," Bell tells PRIDE. “It means quietly withdrawing from a relationship instead of formally ending it, often in the hope the other person will notice and do the emotional labour of ending the connection.”
“It’s a passive way of ending a relationship,” adds Roos. “You stop investing time, energy, and feelings, and let that lead to the relationship tearing apart,” she explains. “It’s something that’s quite cruel to let a partner go through.”
“This form of breakup can cause someone a lot of agony,” Liang tells PRIDE. “The lack of closure leaves a lot of uncertainty and what ifs.”
While the term may be new, Liang adds that the concept is not. “I remember it used to be called a slow fade, like a person is fading away,” she tells PRIDE.
Is it more harmful than other forms of breakups?
While pain is almost always an unavoidable part of ending a relationship, some methods are healthier and more likely to allow the person to gain closure more quickly. When it comes to quiet dumping, it’s partially painful because of the lack of clear signals, which stings even more, says Bell. “It often causes a spike in anxiety for the person being rejected this way: they're more likely to question whether they did something wrong, or should have seen this coming, or whether they deserved to be treated this way,” he explains.
This can be even more detrimental for queer folks, he adds. “LGBTQ+ people are especially sensitive to rejection — because of all the rejection we experience in society as a whole — so quiet dumping can be especially hurtful for us.”
The issue, says Roos, is the uncertainty it creates and the likelihood that the person on the receiving end will feel like they have done something wrong. “Being put in this emotional limbo with all the lack of honesty and insecurity often feels much worse than hearing ‘I want to end this relationship,’” she says.
Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience quiet dumping?
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Not only does quiet dumping potentially have a greater impact on LGBTQ+ people, but the experts warn it may be more common in queer relationships as well. “Most LGBTQ+ people have felt invalidated for expressing our true wants and needs, and that can carry over into our close relationships because we can often hide or edit our true feelings out of fear of judgment or rejection,” warns Bell. This extra layer of complication can sometimes make breaking up in a more direct way even more challenging, he explains. “We often struggle to communicate openly even with those we're closest to.”
Also, our tendency toward more nontraditional forms of relationships can make breakups blurry, adds Roos. “Many LGBTQ+ people have a more complex relationship to dating and relationships, mainly from not being the norm, and that makes it easier to escape and let things run out, [rather than have] a difficult conversation.”
What are the signs of being “quiet dumped”?
If you suspect you are being quiet dumped, the experts say there are signs to be on the lookout for:
They feel absent, and things that once mattered to them no longer seem to.
They are emotionally cold, distant, and stop engaging the way they used to.
They are no longer emotionally available.
They stop talking about future plans because in their mind, the relationship is already over.
They stop responding to texts.
They stop putting effort into the relationship.
If it happens to you, how can you process and heal from the experience?
You may not be able to prevent someone from quiet dumping you, but what you do have control over is how you handle it and move forward. The first step, Bell says, is to acknowledge and not suppress your feelings. “If you feel hurt, dismissed or disrespected by someone's quiet withdrawal, it's important to notice those feelings and not dismiss them. They're very normal, human feelings from not getting the closure or consideration of a more direct relationship ending,” says Bell.
Next, remember that being broken up with this way says more about who they are than anything about your value, says Roos. “Try not to feel ashamed, and instead let people you trust hear about your experience, and let them know how it made you feel,” she advises. “At the end of the day, never forget to remind yourself that you are worth someone who’s able to be honest with you, and who respects your feelings, and that this person quiet dumping you wasn’t worthy of you anyway!”
Sources cited:
Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazinePassionerad
Shanni Liang, LCSW, PLCC, founder of Therapy with Shanni, based in New York City.
Ed Bell, a dating and relationship coach for gay and bi men
Is whole body deodorant worth the money or just hype?
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Grinding up on someone in a club is a heady experience, but it can be nerve-racking if you’re worried more about how you smell than who you’re going home with.
Or maybe you were getting hot and heavy with a date when you started freaking out that maybe you’re private area wasn’t smelling fresh as a daisy.
That’s where “whole body” deodorant supposedly comes in. Brands like Lume, Secret, Dove, Old Spice, and Native are all selling this type of deodorant that is meant not just to control armpit odor, but the way the rest of you smells, too.
There are already scented body washes, deodorants, intimate area washes, body sprays, perfumes, and so many other creams, sprays, and soaps that we already hand over our hard-earned cash in the hopes of keeping anyone from getting a whiff of our body odor.
These “whole body” deodorants are being marketed to take care of this pesky problem, but is it really a problem that needs solving, and do they really work, or is it just adding to the already overwhelming stigma about the human body? To find out everything we need to know about this new product, we talked to dermatologist Dr. Hannah Kopelman from Kopelman Aesthetic Surgery and Certified Sex Therapist Dr. Candice Cooper, who is the lead advisor on sex and relationships at Private Sugar Club.
What is whole body deodorant, and is it a new trend?
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Whether you want to feel more confident during sex or are worried about being the smelly person on the subway, whole body deodorants are marketed as the solution.
While traditional deodorants target the high number of sweat glands in the underarms, whole body deodorants are marketed as being safe to use in other areas like feet, chest, and groin, and they usually come in the forms of creams, roll-on sticks, or sprays. “I see the rise of ‘whole body deodorant’ as an extension of the wellness and beauty industry’s tendency to expand categories and create new markets,” Dr. Kopelman tells PRIDE.
How does it differ from traditional deodorant, and how does it work?
Unlike the deodorant you coat your armpits in every morning, whole body deodorant doesn’t have the same heavy-duty antiperspirant agents like aluminum salts and instead tends to focus on antibacterial and pH-balancing ingredients and fragrances. Some may also contain absorbent powders or even botanicals used to help manage moisture.
“Instead of clogging up sweat glands around our body, these focus on more antibacterial ingredients and strong natural fragrances to cut through the odor,” Dr. Cooper tells PRIDE. “That said, these areas are called sensitive areas for a reason, and they can cause irritation nonetheless.”
Is it a necessary part of good hygiene practices?
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Think of whole body deodorant as more of a preference and a necessity for good hygiene. As long as you are showing regularly and staying hydrated, you probably don’t need one, although you may want to give it a try if you frequently feel self-conscious about the way you smell — especially if it’s keeping you from having a fulfilling sex life.
According to Dr. Kopleman, these products are not medically necessary, and that “regular bathing with mild cleansers, changing out of sweaty clothing, and targeted use of traditional deodorant where odor is most common are usually sufficient.”
Is it causing increased shame or stigma about people’s bodies?
Dr. Cooper fears that the marketing around these new products “pathologize normal body odors” and worries that shaming “our bodies can harm confidence and connection” so when it’s marketed this way, it could potentially lead to people feeling bad for just smelling like a normal human being.
Dr. Kopleman agrees, and says that it’s one of her main concerns about these products gaining popularity. “This trend may inadvertently fuel stigma around the natural scent of the human body, particularly in intimate areas, creating pressure to feel ‘odorless’ at all times,” she explains. “Bodies are meant to have a scent, and in most cases, that’s not a health problem.”
Is it solving a real problem, or creating a new one?
Is it causing increased shame or stigma about people’s bodies?Pro-stock studio/Shutterstock
Whole body deodorants seem to be more about making money than solving a real problem, but Dr. Kopleman says that they may be useful for “athletes, people with hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating), or those prone to recurrent fungal or bacterial skin infections.”
These products seem to be solving a problem for some and creating a new one for everyone else. “Some people generally don’t like their own bodily scents, or feel anxious about the amount that they sweat,” Dr. Cooper explains. "For this population, I’d say it’s solving a problem. But for the general population it’s coming up with a solution to a problem they never had.”
What should people look for and avoid?
If you have sensitive skin, Dr. Cooper recommends looking for products that are dermatologically tested and fragrance free, since the harsh chemicals that make up fragrances can irritate sensitive areas of the body. “Things like itching, redness, swelling or rashes are a sign that you should stop using it and consult a medical professional,” she warns.
Dr. Kopleman echoes this advice and says that you should also pick a product that has antibacterial or pH-balancing ingredients. “Avoid harsh alcohols, strong fragrances, or ingredients that could disrupt the skin barrier—especially in sensitive areas like the groin,” she says.
What are the health risks? What are the health benefits?
“The biggest risks are irritation or allergic reactions, particularly in areas where the skin is thinner or subject to friction,” Dr. Kopelman says. “Overuse can also disturb the skin microbiome, which is important for protection against infection.” On the other hand, it can also “lower the risk of rashes or yeast overgrowth in some cases,” she adds.
While there may not be huge health benefits to slathering on a new product, Dr. Cooper says it can do wonders for people who are consumed by the fear that they smell bad. “The main benefit is psychological. We feel fresher, more confident and thus we feel better. But it’s not a necessity to achieve this,” she says.
Sure, you can buy lube in bulk and stockpile fiber gummies, but the real secret to being a happy, healthy bottom? Flexibility, pelvic control, and a little breathwork.
Yoga isn’t about turning you into Gumby; it’s about teaching you to spread wider, last longer, and take control of your body in the moments that matter. You don’t need to start out with your legs behind your head, but the more you practice, the more you’ll open up, even if you’re not looking for sex.
If you are, whether you’re a power bottom who likes to put in work or a starfish who just wants to relax and enjoy the ride, these poses are essential for your bottoming toolkit.
1. Butterfly (Baddha Konasana)
Butterfly Pose
Butterfly is the quintessential hip opener, and every bottom should treat it like gospel. Sitting with the soles of your feet together and knees wide apart conditions your inner thighs to spread without strain. The longer you can sit here and breathe, the longer you’ll last when someone’s trying to fold you in half. Over time, this also helps ease groin tension so you’re not wincing when things get, let’s say, enthusiastic.
How to do it:
Sit with the soles of your feet together and let your knees fall out wide. You can put blocks, pillows, or blankets under your knees for support.
2. Lizard (Utthan Pristhasana)
Lizard Lunge
This deep lunge stretches your hips, hamstrings, and groin, which is basically a bottom’s holy trinity. The pose also drops you low to the ground, mimicking the arch you’ll use in bed. Think of it as training for when you need to open wide but keep your chest down — a common hookup scenario. Stay for a few breaths (or a few minutes), and you’ll build both flexibility and the mental skill of breathing through intensity.
How to do it:
Step your right hand outside of your right foot. Over time, work to come down onto your forearms. You can drop your back knee for support. Repeat on the other side.
3. Pigeon Pose (Eka Pada Rajakapotasana)
Pigeon Pose
Pigeon is a go-to hip opener that targets the glutes and outer hips — the exact places that like to clench when you’re nervous. By easing into this pose, you train your body to stay soft and receptive instead of tightening up. It’s also a surprisingly good rehearsal for riding positions, since it demands balance, stability, and openness at the same time. Pair it with deep breaths, and you’ll unlock a whole new level of bottoming stamina.
How to do it:
Bring your right knee down in front of you. The closer your foot is to your groin, the easier it is, but work to make a 90-degree shape with your right knee. Extend your back leg long. Stay upright, or gently fold forward over your front leg to deepen the hip stretch. You can place a block under your right hip for more support.
4. Happy Baby (Ananda Balasana)
Happy Baby
This one doesn’t need much explanation — it’s literally a sex position disguised as yoga. Happy Baby teaches you how to release your pelvic floor instead of unconsciously squeezing, which is bottoming 101. It also stretches your lower back and hamstrings, making “legs up” positions far more sustainable. The more comfortable you are here, the more relaxed and confident you’ll feel when it’s time to really assume the position.
How to do it:
Lie on your back and bring your knees toward your chest. Grab the outsides of your feet (or shins if that’s easier) and let your knees fall wide. Keep your lower back pressing into the mat while you gently rock side to side.
5. Cat–Cow (Marjaryasana–Bitilasana)
Cow Pose
Cat–Cow is deceptively sneaky-powerful but straightforward for bottoms. It builds awareness of how your pelvis tilts — tuck under for shallower penetration, arch up for deeper strokes. The mobility you gain here makes you a more versatile partner, because you can fine-tune the angle until it feels exactly right. Plus, it gently warms up the spine and hips, making it the perfect flow-through before heavier stretches.
How to do it:
Cat Pose
Start in a Table Top with your wrists over your shoulders and your hips over your knees. On an inhale, drop your belly, lift your chest, arch your back, and look up (Cow). On an exhale, round your spine, tuck your tailbone, and draw your chin in (Cat). Connect this “breath to movement”—every inhale is Cow, every exhale is Cat.
6. Boat Pose (Navasana)
Boat Pose
Boat is all about core strength, and bottoms with strong cores can ride longer, move better, and protect their lower backs. It also trains you to hold your body steady, even when things get bouncy. If you’ve ever collapsed halfway through a cowgirl variation, this is your solution. Keep practicing, and your abs won’t just look good — they’ll work overtime in bed.
How to do it
Sit on the floor with your knees bent and feet flat. Lean back slightly and lift your feet so your shins are parallel to the floor. Extend your arms forward and straighten your legs as much as you can. Keep your spine long and your core engaged. You can keep your heels down, but focus on the lift of your chest and the squeeze of your abdomen.
7. Frog Pose (Mandukasana)
Frog Pose
Frog is one of the most intense hip openers in yoga, but it pays off in the bedroom. Stretching your inner thighs and groin makes those “legs wide, no excuses” positions a lot more sustainable. It also teaches you how to stay calm when your body says, “This feels like too much,” which is invaluable during long sessions. If you can breathe here, you can breathe anywhere.
How to do it:
Start on hands and knees, then slowly widen your knees as far as comfortable. Keep your shins parallel and flex your feet. Lower down onto your forearms or a block, keeping your hips in line with your knees. Stay here and breathe deeply into the inner thighs.
8. Malasana (Yogi Squat)
Yogi Squat
Malasana gets right to the point: it’s literally training your body to squat down on it. The deep hip and groin opening replicates the mechanics of sitting back during penetration. It also conditions your pelvic floor to release while your hips are open, which is exactly what you want during play. Over time, it helps bottoms stay relaxed and powerful in one of the most natural sexual motions.
How to do it:
Stand with your feet wider than hip-width, toes slightly turned out. Bend your knees and sink your hips down into a squat. Bring your palms together at your chest and press your elbows against your inner thighs to open them. Keep your chest lifted and heels grounded (or supported on a block if needed).
9. Plow Pose (Halasana)
Plow Pose
If Happy Baby is the beginner bottom pose, Plow is the advanced edition. Folding your legs overhead opens the hamstrings and spine, mimicking the kind of deep fold you’ll encounter in bed. It’s not just about flexibility — it’s about training your body not to freak out in such a vulnerable shape. Once you can breathe here, you’ll surprise yourself with how much more open you feel during sex.
How to do it:
Lie on your back and lift your legs overhead. Slowly lower your toes toward the floor behind your head. Keep your hands pressing into the mat or support your lower back with your palms. Your weight is in your shoulders, with little to no weight on your back, and a small gap between your chin and your chest. Stay only as long as you can breathe comfortably, and use props if your feet don’t touch down.
10. Supine Twist (Supta Matsyendrasana)
Supine Twist
The supine twist lengthens your spine and opens the side body, both of which help with recovery. For bottoms, it’s especially good after sessions that leave you feeling a little twisted up (literally). It improves spinal mobility, making it easier to handle those unexpected angles. And, let’s be real: ending with a juicy twist feels like wringing out the stress of last night’s adventures.
How to do it:
Lie on your back and hug your right knee into your chest. Guide your knee across your body to the left, letting it fall toward the floor. Extend your right arm out to the side and look toward it for a full spinal twist. Stack your right hip on top of your left and keep both shoulders planted on the ground (even if that lessens how deep your knee goes). Repeat on the other side.
BONUS: Child’s Pose (Balasana)
Child's Pose
Child’s Pose may look innocent, but it’s your secret weapon. It teaches complete surrender — forehead down, hips open, breath steady — which is a skill every bottom should have. Beyond the symbolism, it relaxes the spine and hips, giving your body a “reset” between intense stretches or after sex. Think of it as your grounding pose: the one you come back to when you need comfort and recovery.
How to do it:
Kneel on the floor and bring your big toes together, knees as wide as feels good. Fold your torso forward and stretch your arms out in front of you, or rest them by your sides. Let your forehead rest on the mat, a block, or even your hands. Breathe deeply into your backline and relax.
Bottoming isn’t just about endurance; it’s about control, comfort, and confidence. Yoga gives you all three — with the added bonus of looking hot as hell while you practice. So grab a mat, breathe deep, and remember: the more you open up here, the more fun you’ll have when it’s time to open up later.
Is it causing increased shame or stigma about people’s bodies?Pro-stock studio/Shutterstock
