When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant message. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Editor in Chief Tracy E. Gilchrist's standard gay, Ross von Metzke, thinks he's too good to b.s. with her. SoAdvocate Editor Neal Ann Broverman (that's his name for this column at least) prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week in gay gossip and crap you never needed to know or remember, Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon, announces her engagement to Christine Marinoni. There is a God because the American bastardization of Absolutely Fabulous is cancelled, Lillith Fair is back and Fergie admits she likes girls. Plus, wickedly funny Wanda Sykes welcomes twins with her wife and filed under 'who cares,' Mel Gibson's homewrecker is knocked up. If that's not enough, Tracy gays out to the trailer for Nine and over the A Chorus Line doc, Every Little Step.
TEG: Hey Lady... I missed you.
NAB: That's Mr. Lady to you.
TEG: Of course...and I wish you would call me Ms. Man. Not really. I'm a lady through and through.
NAB: No, that's my name for Mr. Cynthia Nixon.
TEG: I know! Congrats to Mr. Cynthia Nixon... Better known on DListed as Rojo Caliente.
NAB: Red Hot, for those who flunked Spanish 101.
TEG: Exactly. So the big deal is that Cynthia and her gf Christine Marinoni are engaged. What's next? Kristin Davis engaged to Sam Ronson?
NAB: Seriously, what do we think about Cynthia. Is she gay or bisexual or one of those people who doesn't like "labels"?
TEG: Kim Catrall and Michelle Rodriguez? Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick? Oh wait...they're married.
NAB: I'm getting philosophical here.
TEG: Oh God. You're a drag. Geez. Cynthia is in love. It's the person not the gender.
NAB: So, you could fall in love with Jean Claude Van Damme if he held you while you watched the L Word?
TEG: Ewwww. I don't know about that. I could fall for Antonio Banderas if he held me while we watched Penny and Salma roll around in the mud in Bandidas!
NAB: Marshall?
TEG: Cruz dumbass but I do love me some Penny "Laverne, A League of their own" Marshall but she'd have to get the marbles out of her mouth before we made out.
NAB: Have you ever gotten so drunk that you accepted a dare to drink a Milk Pepsi?
TEG: No... But I'm sure I've gotten so drunk I've tossed up something that looked like Milk and Pepsi...and no, I didn't just say that. Anyhoo.... Congrats to Cindy and Christine.
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NAB: Yes, I'm very glad they're happy. But every time I see Christine I turn into my mother a little bit: "Can't she just put on some makeup?" But I understand that's how she is and that's what makes her comfortable.
TEG: I agree. I'm think, "Can't she wear a plunging v-neck Mickey Mouse t-shirt rather than the old-fashioned ringer tee?"
NAB: Yes, I know, but I wouldn't be happy wearing pleated khakis from Ross. We all have our own comfort levels. But I do fantasize about Ellen getting all dolled up. I loved that W cover.
TEG: Oh...pleated Khakis. Yikes. Only straight men and lesbians wear pleats. As a fashion-forward homo you are put-upon to avoid pleats!
NAB: What about leggings?
TEG: Leggings are fine.
NAB: With clogs?
TEG: And speaking of which... Oh. Clogs. Hell no. Unless you're a world-class chef.
NAB: Speaking of which, the Lilith Fair is coming back.
TEG: Speaking of clogs? Really? I dyked out to the first two Lillith Fairs.
NAB: Weren't they popular in the late 90s? Like Sarah McLachlan?
TEG: And in the seventies.
NAB: I do love Sarah though...
TEG: Oh yes. Sarah, Paula Cole, Nat Merchant, Bonnie Raitt...Me'chelle Ndegeocello sp? Fiona Apple.
NAB: Lita Ford?
TEG: Um... no. Lita Ford and Natalie Merchant dueting to "500 Miles of Elbow Room." HOT!
NAB: I thought I remember her in the lineup. Samantha Fox and Tori Amos? In a mash-up of "Naughty Girls/Cornflake Girl"??
TEG: Classic. I think I was rolling on the back lawn at the Meadows in Hartford during that number.
NAB: Yeah, that was the summer I saw that other musical ode to feminism: The Spice Girls.
TEG: The Spice Girls were like Camille Paglia, Gloria Steinham, Kate Millett and Simone de Beauvoir and Collette set to poppy dance music.
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NAB: Very true... Speaking of world-class feminists--are you devastated that the AbFab remake was canned?
TEG: Oh.. Relieved. PLEASE! I love Kristen Johnson and that Kathryn Hahn was mighty good in Revolutionary Road. But NEVER! That's like trying to remake the gay bible. There can never be another Pats and Eds.
NAB: What are some things that can NEVER be remade? And don't say Claire of the Moon?
TEG: Whiner. Silence of the Lambs.
NAB: AGREED.
TEG: What's Up Doc.
NAB: NOT ENOUGH INFO
TEG: The Facts of Life.
NAB: NO COMMENT
TEG: Living Single.
NAB: I'm serious!
TEG: South of Nowhere.
NAB: How about, All About Eve? Network? Not cheesy tween dyke drama.
TEG: Jesus. You're a buzz kill and an old lady. Am I going to have to do a tequila shooter with a melatonin chaser to get through this? Agreed. No classic films should ever be remade.
NAB: Another one and you're head will hit the keyboard.
TEG: At least I wouldn’t have to straighten up and fly right and be bored out of my mind.
NAB: I love the way you think: SOBRIETY=BOREDOM.
TEG: If the bottle of Advil fits. Hang tight a minute. Sorry...I'm a busy lady. So...Wanda and her wife are the proud mamas of twins.
NAB: Yes, that's good news. Now, if she can only get better material than that Julia Louis-Dreyfus show...
TEG: Hmmm. I don't watch it. I must admit. I just want to applaud Wanda and her wife for not going the Cat Cora -- throw your eggs in a blender with your wife and see what comes out route!
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NAB: Whatever floats your boat: I do applaud adoption, there's enough kids without homes...
TEG: I guess. It's my fear of intimacy. Not that I have many eggs left but I cringe at the thought of mixing ‘em up and seeing what comes out.
NAB: Don't you want a mini-Tracy? Don't you have fantasies of being a glamorous, neglectful mother?
TEG: Oh hell NO! I'd drive myself crazy. But then again, I'm not a fan of the tight-knit family unit in general... ala Karen Walker? That I could do. Kay... what else? The trailer for Nine is out. It looks like a hot mess.
NAB: Did I just see glitter shoot out your ass?
TEG: Not now. But it did this weekend when I saw the A Chorus Line doc, Every Little Step. I cried at least four times and couldn't stop singing "Who am I anyway? Am I my resume?"
NAB: Did I remind you of your lost years; you know when you toured the southeast in a ramshackle production of Oh Calcutta?
TEG: On a rock and roll bus...stripping nude on stage every night? Yes over 100,000 people have seen me nude and that's just from my years as an undergrad at Mount Holyoke.
NAB: Almost as many people who've seen Jackie Warner naked.
TEG: EXACTLY.... So... Fergie -- and I don't mean the Duchess of York and Weight Watchers' spokeswoman -- says she's a part-time lez. Why do we get all the classy ones? Fergie. Megan Fox -- aka Angelina lite -- M-Rod....
NAB: With no bladder control.
TEG: Yeah, what was that about Fergie wetting herself?
NAB: Who do you want Judi Dench? Maggie Smith?
TEG: Someone younger...your Blanchetts...Your Winslets. Mel Gibson's new piece is knocked up.
NAB: Oh my god.
TEG: Ya think he calls her sugar-tits when they're having sexy times?
NAB: I think I care more about my morning bowel movement than Mel Gibson’s piece of ass.
TEG: NASTY! Bathroom talk is off limits here. It's the only thing.
NAB: I forgot: you're all lady.
TEG: Really, sugar-tits is the only thing I ever liked about that homophobic tool. And yes I am all lady darling.
NAB: Time to put those sugar-tits to work: mama got to pay the rent, it was due yesterday!
TEG: No kidding. LA is a tough place to live! When martinis at the Abbey are $14 a pop.
NAB: We had an earthquake here yesterday. Did it disturb your drinking?
TEG: Couldn’t tell. I nearly spilled...but the fact that I was tipsy and weaving offset the earthquake.
NAB: Facedown in a puddle of your own vomit, it's hard to take notice of tremors. Speaking of which, I have to go throw up lunch.
TEG: I have a cast iron stomach I'll have you know. And I was not drunk. I was at Long Beach Pride drinking Bud Light Lime. There's not enough of that swill in the world to get me drunk.
NAB: Can I borrow your letter opener?
TEG: "Heather, Bulimia is so 87."
NAB: I have to go. It's time for lunch.
TEG: Yes dear. I know you need to eat lunch every day at the same time… Like a senior couple at the Sizzler in Boca Raton. On that note. I'm leaving my own column. Ciao, weirdo.
NAB: Buono notte bitch.
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