SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by unpopular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
RvM: Hi, dear. I read my schedule wrong. So, if you have time, I have 30 minutes.
TEG: I will use your time wisely, although I am interrupting my rainy afternoon with Barbara Stanwyck in Stella Dallas, a lot of dark fucking coffee and my cat.
RvM: Todd? Is that you? For readers not in the know, Todd is my boyfriend, and while he is not quite the Stanwyck nut you are, the coffee/cat coupling sounds dead on. How is LA? Washed down the 405 yet?
TEG: It's a typhoon here. I don't even want to leave to go to the package store for supplies.
RvM: Yeah, stay indoors... LA floods once every five years, but when it do. Meanwhile, I’m here in sin city, where rain just makes everything smell like Coke, Aqua Net and Marlboro Lights.
TEG: And...have you been sipping rot gut Vodka and smoking Mores with old ladies named Gladys? Haha. We were on the same page.
RvM: Yeah... Your lucky I’m on any page. They basically feed you alcohol from the minute you walk through the door.
TEG: Hey there. Did you nod off into your lobster tail?
RvM: I swear I’m the only sober member of this press trip now.
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TEG: Uhuh. Is that just for your rep at Advocate or are you trying to make me look bad?
RvM: No... I’m odd. I don’t like drinking at all if work's involved.
TEG: I guess that'tl help you stay employed. Okay. Soo, It's a few days late now. But. Globes!
RvM: Yeah... I know no set of globes impressed you quite like Winslets.
TEG: She makes me so sad.... That I'll never have her. She was stunning. Although, if we're just talking Globes, Christina Hendricks takes the cake whenever Salma is not in the room.
RvM: This is true. And I know you’re not a fan so much, but Berry's boobs are brilliant.
TEG: I like Berry. She just never moved me a whole lot. Pretty but no ooomph. As she ages, I find her more fetching. Did you pee a little when Sandy B. won? I was disappointed she didn't take the opportunity to dip Glenn Close and make out with her ala her critics choice smooch with Meryl.
RvM: What are you looking for? Sandy B. to crew her way up the 60 plus ladder. If thats what you’re after, why not just have her mount Judi Dench?
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TEG: Or Mirren. Judi was not there darling. Proximity and opportunity.
RvM: Yeah, in spirit. She could have prerecorded a video or something. Lady lovin’ live from the old vic.
TEG: Haha. And we are not talking about Kevin Spacey. Couple quickies on the Globes. Aniston's slit. Rather impressive.
RvM: I’m going to pray you mean her dress.
TEG: Take it as you will. She did date that douchebag John Mayer. Julia Roberts. You think she just doesn't give a fuck anymore? She appears to be turning up drunk to these events.
RvM: Hell... If you’d passed on both the Proposal and Blind Side in the same year and had to sit by and watch Sandy B steal your box office crown, wouldn’t you get hammered?
TEG: Yes but didn't Sandy B do that circa 1995. While You were Sleeping? Julia went from Sleeping with the Enemy to Dying Young. Some bad choices in there.
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RvM: That was all pre Sandy. Get your years right. Mary Reilly. Girl.
TEG: Oh yeah.
RvM: Julia attempting to perfect a british accent while passing herself off as an albino chambermaid.
TEG: That was a lowpoint. That was no Mystic Pizza.
RvM: Then again, 3 years later, Sandy B did In Love and War. that movie was enough to make me wanna off myself a la Ernest Hemingway.
TEG: Was that a period piece costarring Chris O'Donnell?
RvM: Yes dear.
TEG: He hit his peak in Batman and Robin, when his codpiece was bigger than Clooney's!
RvM: Thats a really sad peak. I feel like this column isn’t very lezzie. Don’t you have some tres gay news for me? Like Indigo Girl heading up a Habitat for Humanities project in Key West?
TEG: Lady Gaga raising money for Haiti. Well, Gaga, and Cathy and Jill donating proceeds from their web series to Haiti relief.
RvM: Aren’t Tegan and Sara down there? I’m telling you, send the lezzies!
TEG: They'll get shit fixed, people fed...
RvM: Because lord knows if we sent Michael Urie and Adam Lambert, these folks would be living at the Mandarin Oriental 8 in a room drinking peppermint mojitos and watching Ab Fab reruns.
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TEG: Yeah. Joni Mitchell remixes are what people need. Can we just aks the question? What the fuck happened in Massachusetts? Ted Kennedy is going to come back from the dead for more scotch after that mess.
RvM: Um... A really boring female candidate and her backers thought she had it in the bag, and a guy who posed nude for Playgirl back in the 70's came out of nowhere and kicked her ass.
TEG: If he and Sarah Palin run for the presidency in 2012, we are fucked.
RvM: You know he’s pro choice, right?
TEG: Closeted horny republicans across the country will vote for that ticket. No dear. He did get help from NOM though right?
RvM: Oh probably... I dunno. I’m not popular on these topics. Because frankly, at this point…
TEG: Or what I like to call -- people who couldn't get laid in high school.
RvM: I never think anything is going to go our way. True dat. And still can’t get laid
TEG: Exactly.
RvM: Ok girl. I know this is a short column, but Eva Longoria Parker requests my presence at her restaurant.
TEG: Oooh. Well, have a fruity cocktail for me. I will be prepping for jury duty tomorrow. And for the SAG awards this Saturday. From Globes to SAG. That's not good.
RvM: I know. From Halle Berry and Christina Hendricks to Sharon Stone and Jessica Lange. Ooof.
TEG: You said it all. Ciao my fave homo.
RvM: Bye gurl!
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