When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant message. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week Ross has decided to leave Tracy to work on serious journalism, claiming he has no time for childish, naughty gossip, but he'll be back when Tracy enlists a revolving door of witty gays to upstage him.
For Ross's last official column the pair talks Victoria Principal pulling a gun on her maid over a constipated pooch...long story. Now that Kelly McGillis is beyond out will she confirm those pesky Jodie Foster / Whitney Houston love triangle rumors? Pink back peddles on the bisexual thing and Julia Roberts has a fabulous potty mouth. Plus...an unofficial farewell to Gossip Girl faves Susan Lucci, Valerie Bertinelli, Joyce DeWitt and Tamara Braun.
RvM: Knock, knock.
TEG: Who's knocking on my cubicle?
RvM: Bang you’re dead (it's Victoria Principal)!
TEG: Ha! Hang on...we'll get to Vickie but first, I gotta say I want to get this over with quick like pulling off a band-aid, since you are leaving me you bitch.
RvM: I’m gonna be a recurring character, kinda like when Suzanne Somers used to place calls from grandma's house on Three’s Company. I gotta go off and be a real reporter.
TEG: Oh please. This is what real reporting has become. Gossip, opinion, gossip, bullshit and more gossip. You'll be behind the times but fine. Why don't you just go back to using a manual typewriter...old fashioned.
Tracy and Ross doing heavy investigative journalism at a bar in DC.
RvM: You’re just pissed because you don’t want me to do that hard core investigation into what really went down in your hotel room during Dinah -- as if the lube, grass and Jolene bleaching creme stains in your Dickies didn’t already give it away!
TEG: Search away darling. I wear my secrets on my sleeve, in my hair and ground into my white trousers. Anyway... Victoria tried to off the maid who couldn't get the dog go to the bathroom? Maribel was her name.
RvM: That’s hard core -- guess we know who shot Jr.
TEG: I wish she'd shot Charlene Tilton on Dallas. That was one whiny bitch -- with a big rack I might add.
RvM: Big racks are in these days -- everyone's getting them.
TEG: Oh homey. Honey. Jesus. I break one news story, get a spot on a has-been tabloid show and I can't be bothered to type properly. You are definitely no homey.
RvM: Fuck you... I went to a culturally diverse school. My fellow choir members taught me to braid hair before I learned how to drive.
TEG: Awww. I know baby. And you and Sara Ramirez used to kick at the lunch counter during fifth period.
RvM: Please. I’m 4 years younger than her. She didn’t know my name.
TEG: Too bad. I'd love it if you could hook me up so she could don Medeivel gear and sing Spamalot to me... But... I did meet the Braun's publicist who assured me, if I don't bring a pair of binoculars and my Reese and Bianca glossy poster for her to sign, there's the off chance I might meet her someday.
RvM: I can see that happening -- at some dump in Sherman Oaks. He wouldn't wanna take you two to the Ivy -- you'd probably get tossed, plant one on her and she'd wind up on the cover of Soap Opera Digest under the headline “Tamara Braun: Art Imitates Life"
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TEG: I'd love it! The Braun and me in a lezzie scandal. Anyway.... we had the story of the week last week. My ass on Inside Edition. SheWired on Page Six.
RvM: Kelly McGillis on a bender.
TEG: Me on a bender after Kelly McGillis talked about her lezzie love and sent the stats through the roof. So, do you think the old urban legend about Kelly, Jodie Foster and Whitney Houston throwing down on the set of The Accused has any merit?
RvM: I’m not sure. First off, Whitney Houston doesn't strike me as the type who'd throw down over two white ladies. I’m just saying. How do you go from Jodie Foster to Bobby Brown in a matter of months? But, I will say this -- Whitney Houston and Kelly McGillis circa 1988 rolling around in a bale of hay would be some hot shit.
TEG: That would have been like Obsession / Beyonce and Ali Larter, the prequel. By the way, did you get to see that hot mess yet or did you leave the theater with a pack of Red Vines and your tail between your legs?
RvM: I still haven’t seen it. At this point it’s gonna be me and some late night on DVD. But I did see Wolverine. And when the Jackman took his trousers off, so did I.
TEG: Filthy. So glad I wasn't face deep in a bucket of popcorn in the seat next to you.
RvM: Please – I’d have borrowed your butter. That man makes me moan.
TEG: Nasty! Pig, Homo. I Love it! Moving right along... We haven’t gone on the record about Julia Roberts' potty mouth.
RvM: We haven't? Seriously? That seems so old! FUCKING BITCH I love her filthy ass!
TEG: I love her filthy ass too. Give me big-mouthed, dirty talker Julia spewing fuck every four seconds after that Angelina knock-off Megan Fox any day.
RvM: Megan Fox is like the poor man's Angelina -- sort of like Marilyn Chambers was the poor man's Shannon Tweed, may she RIP.
TEG: Isn't Shannon Tweed the poor man's Shannon Tweed? Now I'm confused. And Marilyn Chambers was in a class of her own. How dare you besmirch her memory.
RvM: I think kicking it in a trailer park in the Inland Empire kinda bersmirches her memory on its own.
TEG: Awww. The life of the fallen porn star. So sad. What the hell is up with Pink? I mean, technically, I'm bisexual since I get loaded, lift my top and kiss boys once every four years. Am I really supposed to believe she's never tossed a lady?
RvM: Oh she has. Hasn’t she admitted that? But please, I’ve gone on the fish trip -- that don’t mean I wanna take one home on a Friday night and cuddle.
TEG: I see, so I can't have it both ways... meaning I identify as a big fat lez even though I have a rep for kissing boys, but on the flip side I want Pink to proclaim she sits home on Sundays petting her cat, watching Go Fish and eating hummus with a Croc-wearing gal.
RvM: I think Pink would rather off herself then spend Fridays with Amy Ray and her knitting.
TEG: I suppose, she's fat too hot of a bitch for that.
RvM: I’m usually the typo queen, bitch – What’s gotten into you today?
TEG: My fingers are swollen from the heat.
RvM: Your fingers are swollen from the change.
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TEG: Or from the Nachos and beer I drank over the weekend. Fuck you. And to think I was sad you were leaving me. Go fall asleep face down in bowl of Proactiv, slut.
RvM: Oh, I’m a little sad. Who else am I going to talk about Valerie Bertinelli and Susan Lucci with? As my swan song, I’m going to toss out a few of my fav peeps and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Word association.
TEG: Kay. I hope I have more than one brain cell firing.
RvM: Clair Huxtable
TEG: Stern MILF
RvM: Lea Delaria
TEG: Fat rude dyke?
RvM: BINGO -- you just won the showcase showdown! Janice Pennington
TEG: Woo hoo!
RvM: Susan Lucci
TEG: The love of Ross's life
RvM: Awww. She says “thanks.” Valerie Bertinelli
TEG: The love of my life!
RvM: Tamara Braun
TEG: Pull the shades so my neighbors don't see me watching All My Children on YouTube.
RvM: And finally, my friend and yours, Kirstie Alley.
TEG: Flip me the fat-fingered bird!
RvM: Nice. Now go take advantage of Oprah Winfrey's gift of KFC while I go find a new gig.
TEG: You'll be back bitch.
RvM: Of course I will. I’ll watch one of your stand-ins ask for a lifeline after you toss out a Joyce Dewitt reference and swoop back in to save the day.
TEG: I almost just tossed out Joyce DeWitt. I wonder how her Livingston Wine Tour is panning out? Anyhoo. I know you have to go save the gays or some crap.
RvM: I think her Livingston Wine Tour stopped at Marilyn’s, and that’s what did her in. Anyhoo. So long. Farewell. Adieu. Fuck you. Hahahahahaha.
TEG: Auf wie der sehn, whore.
RvM: Work on your German. Heidi Klum and Eva Braun will have your ass.
TEG: That is so wrong coming from you. And I'd rather Tamara Braun and Penelope Cruz and Val B. had my ass. Love you. Mean it, sort of.
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