Media Blender: Election 2008

Halleluiah! Election Day is over and thank goodness, I don't have to team up with Tina Fey and hitch the first rocket out of here!

Like Saturday Night Live before me, namely its Halloween Horror -- I mean, it’s Election Eve Political -- special, I’m serving up a 'Finally We Got Out the Fucking Vote Election 2008 Review Blender,' including a look back at California’s half-minute of gay wedding bliss before the tight-ass conservatives yanked the bridal train out from under us with that nasty piece of hateful legislation, Prop. 8.

But before we revisit the 2008 political melee, including Hillary Clinton’s Big Gay Valentine, Chelsea Clinton’s gay bar ass-grabbing extravaganza, lesbian weddings on the steps of the Beverly Hills Courthouse, Big Gay Ellen Degeneres re-gifting a bottle of Nair to presumptive first lady -– fingers crossed it’s her and not Skidoo Todd Palin -- Michelle Obama, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey, I mean Sarah Palin, I mean Tina Fey… Oh fuck. I’m like the Alec Baldwin of Lesbos, living in the Sarah Palin simulacrum. But before all that, I have a Flintstones-esque woolly mammoth sized bone to pick with some folks over at ABC and Grey’s Anatomy!

On the bright side, with Sarah Palin likely on her way out of the limelight, at least until the 2012 Presidential bid, and Grey’s Anatomy shit-canning Brooke Smith and its lesbian storyline, I can quit flagellating myself for being disturbingly attracted to things to which I am ideologically opposed.

That said… those solipsistic drips over at (yawn) Grey’s (yawn) Anatomy never before enticed me to tune in. I mean, not even big-piped babe Sara Ramirez as a slutty straight girl, or the exceptionaland adorable Sandra Oh, could make me stomach the snoozefest that is (yawn) Ellen (yawn) Pompeo, Katherine (yawn) Heigl, and T (yawn) R (yawn) Knight -- an out gay man in a role more effective than a Lunesta with a Kettle One chaser.

Thanks to ABC and Grey’s for fucking up what promised to be a thoughtful, sexy and sensuous storyline between two, top-rated actresses. What was it? Was Brooke Smith too realistic as Erica, with her big gay revelation last week? An Emmy-worthy performance, I might add. Were the big boy fat cats in the big office threatened by the thought that one of these women might not return to on-the-clock quickies with the resident lothario doc in the on-call room?

That’s right Grey’s and ABC. I’m angry. A self-confessed Grey’s naysayer for the past four seasons, I bloody tuned in to your (yawn) drippy drama about self-absorbed, docs with personalities like black holes, and only because Sara and Brooke were fiery and authentic -- that is when Callie wasn't looking for all-hands-on-deck clitoral tutorials from McDrippy. I wag my finger in your directions, tsk tsk, tsk. Now I have to go to Grey’s confession and possibly to a 12-Step program. And believe me, nobody wants to hear me share.  

I’m sending Brooke’s Silence of the Lambs co-star Jodie Foster -- as her The Brave One vigilante ass-kicker – to go medieval over at Seattle Grace.

And on the Eve of the Election and an anti-gay marriage measure on the ballot in Homo Hollywood and the far reaches of California? How could they? That’s a slap in the face to Homos worldwide.

Rant over -- for now -- but don’t expect this ire to subside soon. Shonda Rhimes and ABC tricked me into sitting through 40 minutes of drip, drip, drip for about five minutes of lesbianish taunting per episode. And I am not happy. I think a bottle of Rioja is in order, after I vote of course, or maybe while I vote. Anyway, back to voting. Here’s a hop, skip and a jump down Blender Memory Lane with some Election-related snippets.

February 2008:

Wellesley alumna and closest damned thing we've ever had to a woman ruling the White House Hillary Clinton sent a Valentine's Day card to her queer brethren via Our Chart. Stopping short of sending chocolate covered bon-bons and bath beads, Hills wrote this -- and much more -- to her gay supporters, "America deserves a President who appeals to the best in each of us, not the worst; a President who values and respects all Americans and treats all Americans equally no matter who they are or who they love. I want to be that President. I want to be your President."

Thanks Hillary for ensuring we all had at least one Valentine!

March 2008:

Following up on Tina Fey's SNL mantra for Hillary -- Seven Sisters -- Clinton that "Bitch is the new black", Tina's erstwhile partner in crime, Amy Poehler, donned her Hillary drag for a skit that eviscerated the Democratic debate process in which Darryl Hammond, impersonating Tim Russert, interrogated Hillary while tossing Nerf balls at Barack -- one minute I'm welcoming an anti-gay activist and gospel singer to my campaign and the next I'm sending Valentine's to the queer community -- Obama.

The real Hillary turned up with an "editorial response," and parried with her twin, Poehler. When little Amy asked, "How's the campaign going?" Hills responded with a very funny faux mélange of self-confidence and paranoia. "It's going great. Great. Why what have you heard?" With support from Madonna, Barbra Streisand, Cher and Tina Fey, Hillary -- it's small wonder her initials are HRC -- has got the queer vote sewn up. But I'm not holding my breath for card carrying Texan and Ohioan homos to tip the scales away from her rival.

April 2008:

Former First Daughter, who kinda sorta grew up a little cute, Chelsea Clinton engaged in some inadvertent public girl on girl in Philly while campaigning for her mama, Democratic nominee and Seven Sisters’ alumna, Hillary Clinton.

Courting the queer vote in the City of Brotherly Love’s Center City neighborhood, Chelsea got the boys and girls into a froth while visiting four of the city’s gay bars, including the famous Woody’s and a lesbian bar called -- of all things -- Sisters.

Hillary’s gays clamored for photo-ops with all-around smarty-pants and undiscovered sex kitten Chelsea. “I grabbed her ass,” shouted one fervent Lesbo who’d copped a feel of Chelsea’s butt during a photo-op. But it wasn’t just the ladies loving up on Chelsea.

The boys were torn drooling over her highlights and what one can only surmise is Chelsea’s superior ass. "I think Chelsea looks better in person and she's got the body and ass of life," said one of the gay boys after wrapping his arms around her and giving her a big hug.

June 2008:

The rest of the world continued to churn out its down-and-dirty gossip but for bona fide California queers the past several days have been marriage, marriage, marriage… So let us pay homage to those pioneers who’ve fought for decades so that, we complacent kids in 2008, can enjoy the luxury of standing idly by dreaming about Jennifer Beals in a beater tank or wondering how La Lush Lindsay Lohan and her DJ to the stars, Samantha Ronson can indulge in full-on homo action while the world either doesn’t notice or give a damn.

More on next page...

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Congrats to pioneering activists and Lesbos, who taught the whippersnappers of The L Word generation just how it’s done. Founders of one of the country’s original lesbian outings -- as opposed to outing -- groups, The Daughters of Bilitis, after 55 years together, octogenarians Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin said their “I do’s” in big gay San Francisco after the California Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in the state.

Meanwhile gay rights and gay marriage activist and women’s music fest producer Robin Tyler and her partner Diane Olson tied the knot on the steps of the Beverly Hills Courthouse before a handful of friends and family and hundreds of clamoring media outlets.

That’s right girls! The lesbians beat the gay boys to gay marriage in California, with these two stalwart couples becoming the first two couples in the state to make it legal. Although, when you consider that the gay boys play in bathhouses and backrooms while lesbians get into public ass-grabbing in the plumbing aisle of the Home Depot, it’s no small wonder the lesbians beat the gay boys to the proverbial altar.

August 2008:

On the subject of politics and pop culture and the near-apocalyptic blurring of those lines… newlywed Ellen Degeneres welcomed First Lady hopeful... how the do you say that? It’s not like she can choose to say hell no I don’t want to sleep in Laura Bush’s old bed -- Michelle Obama graced Ellen’s new set at Warner Bros. And -- whew -- Michelle has got the moves. The tall drink of water gave Ellen a run in her dancing tennis shoes.

And Good on Michelle for alluding to Ellen’s recent nuptials with bombshell Princess Portia de Rossi! Michelle touched Ellen’s forearm and said “Congrats on your move," although I'm sure Ellen’s got more than one move after all these years.

Then Michelle whipped out a “welcome to the new studio” gift for Ellen. Little Sasha Obama, a fervent collector of kitsch at her tender age, had picked out a Windy City Snow Globe for Ellen.

Empty-handed, Ellen reached behind her and handed Michelle a tube of Nair as a gift. Ohhh, the possibilities are endless.

September 2008:

Like Jesus and The Beatles before her, Sarah Palin mania swept the country and here at "Media Blender," I was not immune!

Where does a media-saturated gay girl who can no longer ascertain the intersection of trashy politics and pop culture begin? With politics as rich as a former beauty queen cum small-town mayor of Meth central, turned Alaska’s gun-toting Governor, cum Republican Veep candidate, who needs trashy television?

First up, just when it looked as though no one would nail Shot Gun Sarah harder than Gina Gershon in her hilarious FunnyorDie.com send-up, along comes the Queen of the Bespectacled Hot Nerds Tina Fey to unseat Gershon in her three-day reign as the Star Palin impersonator.

Tina and her adorable fop of a funny friend Amy Poehler delivered a gut-grabbing, tears-down-the-face skit for Saturday Night Live. Lil’ Amy donned the grey pantsuit to skewer smarty-pants Hillary Clinton while Tina, decked out in a ruby-red skirtsuit with matching lipstick and the take off the glasses and undo the bun and fuck me look.

The dynamic duo of funny gals, who premiered their hot-assed chemistry on Weekend Update -- arguably the wittiest combo since Dan Ackroyd and Jane Curtin -- and then topped the box office this April in Baby Mama, delivered their pièce de résistance with the Palin / Clinton piece. With Tina’s spot-on Palin and Amy’s cracker-jack timing, the skit will go down in SNL history, meanwhile flipping a big fuck you to bloated, red-faced stick-in-the-mud Christopher Hitchens’ assertion in Vanity Fair that women aren’t funny.

October 2008:

So much television, so little time. A tip of the horn-rimmed glasses for the hottest nerd on the planet Tina Fey, who nailed the vacuous and insidiously cute Sarah Palin on another SNL skit, mocking Palin’s vapid interview with Katie Couric. Tina’s tiny -- although very pregnant -- sidekick Amy Poehler put on her best disgusting dumbfounded Katie Couric, in a blonde wig no less, which was a tad confusing. But these two are great together. Fuck John McCain and Palin! Fey and Poehler for prez and vice! I mean, if we don’t laugh we’re going to cry buckets.

Despite Sarah “I can see Russia from my house” Palin’s good natured SNL appearance, which was likely a blatant gunning for a FOX News talking heads’ show once she and John McCain lost their shirts come election day -- and for Palin that’s not necessarily a bad thing -- and another shot at the ever-charming Tina Fey doing some "fancy pageant walking," it’s time to toss Alaska’s Governor out with the melting polar ice cap… as it were.

You’d think Governor Updo Palin, with her self-reflexive sense of humor, would be a tad fucking hipper, but the uptight rifle toter came out in support of a federal amendment to ban gay marriage.

“In my own, state, I have voted along with the vast majority of Alaskans who had the opportunity to vote to amend our Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman. I wish on a federal level that that's where we would go because I don't support gay marriage,” Palin told CBN’s David Brody. Well that’s that. I’m officially hanging up my 'I heart Sarah Palin hat.'

On the possibility of an ongoing stint of playing Palin, Tina recently said, “We’re going to take it week by week. If she wins I’m done. I can’t do that for four years. And by done, I mean I’m leaving earth.” Now that Obama can officially claim the title of "Mr. President", let's hope John McCain and Palin crawl back under the prospective rocks and Tina continues to reign in her glasses and pencil skirt.

Miss the last "Media Blender"? Read it here.