This week’s episode of The Real L Word takes us to the halfway point of the second season, which is either good news or bad news depending on which side of the polarizing line you fall. For me, it means about six more weeks of re-caps and wishing my doctor sent me home with a script for muscle relaxants – not as much for having blown out my back as for my state of mind while watching these mind-numblingly fascinating women.
But let’s get on with it… This week we open with shots of parents and kids playing in the park and on swings and strollers being happily pushed around LA, which can mean only one thing – we are kicking off the episode with the travails of Cori, Kacy and an ovulation stick! Cut to the adorable wanna-be-mamas couple and their ginger kitty is already stealing their focus. I mean, kids are cute but cats are cuter and that ginge kitty wins out every time over the kiddie discussion. Apparently it’s that time of the month when Cori should be ovulating, so she’s about to pee on a stick to see if she gets the “Happy Face” or not.
Over to Romi and she’s having a rough go of it as she’s off to Vegas for her new job and it happens to be the anniversary of her dad’s death several years before from cancer. Romi lets on that her dad never knew she was gay, and apparently neither did she when she had a big ole wedding to a man just four years ago. Cut to pics of Romi in her wedding dress dancing with her dad. Maybe I was in the bathroom during some big revelation about Romi’s past but I thought she was a dyed-in-the-wool from day one, so this is all news to me.
Romi explains that she married a guy she’d met at her church – another revelation that Romi was a big church-goer especially in light of a few of her RLW soft-core sex scenes, but who’s judging? She further elucidates that she and her hubby were both confused kids. I can’t be sarcastic here. I met Romi for a hot minute at The Dinah and she had a really kind energy about her. For those who aren’t from LA, even the deeply cynical, sarcastic New Englander in me been broken down a tad by the LA penchant for discussing energy and the universe, and she had a good energy.
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Next up we catch a glimpse of the hottest thing we’re going to see during the next 50 minutes – Sajdah’s smokin’, heart-shaped waffle maker! It just so happens that Sajdah’s pouring heart-shaped waffles to surprise her girlfriend of 30 days, Chanel, with breakfast on their one-month anniversary. Nearly as impressed as I was with the heart-shaped waffle maker Chanel asks Sajdah how she got them to be that shape, and Sajdah just says, “magic.” Aw, now that is pretty cute.
Moving on to Claire – and this is where we realize the RLW producers don’t give a fig about continuity – because Claire’s just picking up her crap from Francine’s front porch, which I believe Francine tossed out there two weeks ago when Sajdah and Chanel were barely pushing the two-week mark and Cori hadn’t even begun recording her ovulation chart, so that means there are two weeks of Claire’s RLW life that are unaccounted for. So, the question remains to be asked, “Why the hell am I paying this much close attention to this crap?”
As you might expect, Claire is furious that Francine tossed her stuff on to the front porch and makes a few pointed / profane statements about Francine’s character.
Meanwhile, over at Whitney’s, Whit is waxing prophetic--or make that prosthetic--about the lack of a sperm-shooting strap-ons for lesbians to use to make babies. To assist her newfound pals Cori and Kacy in getting pregnant Whit enlists the help of her friend Caes - pronounced Chez – to make a prosthetic out of his “wang,” as Whit put it. Typically Whitney is all, only about getting laid, but this week she’s all, only about making a “strap-on that blows a load,” as she so eloquently expressed it. Never fear though. She’s got her trusty roomie and colleague in the art of prosthetics Alyssa there to assist.
Speaking of Whit and getting laid, last week she fingered her ex Rachel from behind over the bathroom sink at a pool party and this week Rachel is helping another of Whit’s ex tricks Romi on Romi’s Vegas job.
Rachel’s busy regaling Romi with her tales of bathroom sex before telling the camera directly that she and Romi also once made out. While the incestuous nature of all of these – we’ll call them – “friendships” is rather revolting, the worst part of this scene is the matching ballet flats Romi and Rachel are sporting. While I’m no style icon to be sure I must say ballet flats impact me the same way UGGS and Crocs affect others – with complete revulsion…
But back to the girls, Romi explains that she feels like the “proud parent” to her 23-year-old girlfriend Kelsey, who’s really just cute as a little lesbian Emily Blunt look-a-like who’s feeling her oats and wanting to party until her liver drops out, much like Romi had the pleasure of doing in her early 20’s.
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Back to Sajdah, and wow does she know how to show a girl a fun time. She’s taken Chanel horseback riding at a place called Rainbow Ridge - which is where I make a mental note to Google that place. Rainbows and horses! That’s a lesbian dream date. Following a day of horseback riding Sajdah’s got her place new-aged out with candles to get her massage on with Chanel. But Chanel knows Sajdah’s got ulterior motives with her hope that the massage will lead to some other forms of rubbing.
In a talking head interview Sajdah explains that the whole romance thing and actually caring about what she’s doing is new to her since she’s always been in relationships with guys. While this is no revelation about Sajdah I still do the “Er?” Scooby Doo thing every time she mentions her hetero past as she just seems like a dyke from day one – and that’s not a bad thing.
Over at Cori and Kacy’s abode Cori’s about to pee on her stick and ginger kitty is still upstaging them.
Because one can never have enough drama on the RLW it turns out that Romi’s father figure / friend / sober coach with boundary issues Drew is working the same Vegas trade show that she is. She’ll wax on about this at some length before just biting the bullet and making amends with him.
Still attempting to make in-roads with the RLW gals Claire reaches out to Whitney to see if she’ll appear in a photo shoot for Claire’s website that isn’t and likely never will be, Dirty Boudoir.
“Sign me up,” Whitney says. “It sounds right up my alley – ‘dirty bedroom’” But Whitney has bigger things on her –um—mind to consider, and that’s mainly how she’s going to ensure Caes maintains an erection while she pours cold goo over his wang. Those are her words – not mine. No need to shoot the messenger on this one. Whitney and her friends are a resourceful bunch however, and Caes brings along his girlfriend along to play the part of “fluffer” on the porn set that is the RLW.
Back to Claire, and somehow she’s bunking down somewhere near the Santa Monica pier, although last week, or the week before – it hurts my head to pay too close attention – she moved out of Francine’s to a place in Hollywood. Anyway, Claire’s on the horn with her girlfriend Vivian. Yes, that would be the one she left behind in New York while she moved to LA to see if she and her ex Francine still had a spark. We all know that Claire and Francine had about as much spark as an old book of wet matches in a snow storm, so now Claire’s trying to entice Viv to come out and visit her under the auspices of saying she can be the stylist on her “Dirty Boudoir” photo shoot.
Meanwhile, somewhere in a show room at Mandalay Bay Romi and Drew are making nice and talking about talking out their issues.
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Over at Sajdah’s she’s on the phone with her saucy mom who’s finally beginning to deal with the gay thing in general but who’s none to happy that Sajdah’s not a femme.
“Why you couldn’t be a lipstick lesbian instead of a soft stud?” her mom asks, and Sajdah just laughs it off. This is nothing like my conversations with my mother when she asks me if I’ve gained weight again.
Sajdah’s girl Chanel tries to tell her de facto mother-in-law of 30 days that she’s a soft stud too but Sajdah’s mom isn’t buying it. “You don’t sound like a soft stud,” mom says.
Then the conversation devolves into Sajdah explaining tops and bottoms to her mom, using her mom’s sex life with a suitor as an example of who’s the top and who’s the bottom.
Then it really goes awry. “How do you do the scissors?” mom asks. Wow! What is with Ilene Chaiken and the crew’s fascination with scissoring. First Romi does it on cam and now Sajdah’s mom’s asking about it. Has there been a scissoring renaissance? Maybe I need to get out more.
Once Sajdah goes into the gruesome details of scissoring – gruesome only because this is a mother / daughter conversation and I’m an uptight girl from Connecticut who can’t imagine discussing this sort of thing with my mom – Sajdah’s mom says, “I didn’t raise you to be filthy like that child.” But here’s the kicker – then Sajdah’s mom explains that she has to get back to work! I love it. The mother and daughter scissoring convo while in one’s work cube is going to catch on. Mark my words.
Over in Sin City Romi’s out networking with colleagues at a club -- to her credit she’s still laying off the sauce -- when she receives a call from a bawling Kelsey who was just fired from her job. I’m not sure I even knew she had a job since her storyline has been reduced to pain her as an irresponsible slurring drunk at age 23. But apparently it’s not the first time Kelsey’s been fired recently and Romi waffles between being supportive and judgmental.
“I can’t take care of you. We gotta figure out why you can’t keep a job,” Romi says.
Cut to Cori and Kacy and things aren’t roses there – and they certainly aren’t “smiley faces” since Cori’s pee failed to turn the stick to a smiley face. They call Cori’s OB/GYN and head to the office to have her ovulation check by something other than a stick that costs $14.95 from the Walgreen’s on the corner.
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Under the care of Dr. Lillian Morris Cori discovers that her egg is just about to drop and that now’s as good a time as any to get “knocked up.” Kacy holds Cori’s hand as the doc pushes the plunger. What should be a glorious moment to be cherished for decades to come is pretty much shot to hell by the RLW producers juxtaposition of Cori and Kacy attempt to make a baby with Whitney’s attempt to make a successful mold of her friend’s dick – complete with fluffer and sex groans emanating from Alyssa’s bedroom.
Yep, things are pretty much as might be expected at Whit’s Madame Tussaud’s House ‘O’ Porn. Essentially there’s a lot of discussion on getting and keeping Caes hard so that Whit and Alyssa can get a mold of his junk before the mold sets. As Whit the poet says, it’s about “timing the fluffing with the stuffing.” There are also repeated shots of man-ass and the occasional glimpse of a partial bit of shaft and scrotum and talk of cock rings, etc… Again, don’t blame me. I’m just re-capping this mess.
Cut to Romi leaving Vegas with Drew so that they can chitchat about their friendship, to which I say, “ARG!” That’s five hours in a car processing in the desert. They discuss Romi’s relationship with Kelsey and whether Romi is enabling Kelsey to be a 23-year-old jobless lesbian party girl or not.
Romi arrives home to Kelsey who’s been primarily sitting around licking her wounds. But hey, at least she’s not soothing her wounds with vodka, so that’s progress.
Back at Whit’s Alyssa has to leave her post of attempting to capture the ever-elusive cock mold to go out on a date with her fiancée, so Ruby, a random girl who happens to be visiting, steps in to help Whit land the perfect mold – and they finally do. Thank goodness because watching Whit try to mold a penis six times already was plenty.
Now that Whit’s got her magic mold for her sperminator we cut back to Cori and Kacy who are enroute to the doc for a second round of sperm. But just as they are about to arrive the doc calls to tell them their specimen was compromised and she had to toss it out, leaving them with just two shots of sperm total from their chosen donor.
Cori starts to break down a little over the stress of it all but the doc assures her that they just need a single sperm out of all the countless sperm in the two shots to make a baby.
If this were the 90’s Cori could just run down to the local new-age store, arm herself with Kokopellis, Akua’bas and other various fertility symbols, light some incense and chant for a bit to help ensure an insemination. Fingers crossed it works the first time. I mean, that’s what they used to tell girls in high school anyway. And that’s it for this week.
Tune in next week when I’m certain Whitney will be like a crazed lesbo Dr. Frankenstein molding that penis to shoot Jell-O shots out the top, an apparatus she’ll no doubt wear and test to the delight of dozens of screaming WeHo lesbian ladies.
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