And we’re back – it’s the fifth episode of British teen lesbian soap opera Sugar Rush and our young heroine Kim is finding herself in the middle of some very sticky situations.

Her voiceover opens the episode, as usual, filling us in on any details we may have missed over the past several weeks. Basically, Kim is sexually obsessed with her best friend Sugar, who gave her crabs during a devastatingly platonic sleepover, which were then passed on to Kim’s mother Stella, which exposed her affair with the decorator, Dale, and effectively ruined Kim’s parents’ marriage. It may sound crazy, but according to Kim, it’s “all in a day’s work” for a 15-year-old gay virgin with a dysfunctional family and a debilitating crush.

This episode begins with Kim standing on the now-familiar Brighton pier beach, and her voiceover speaking…um…French. After I checked to make sure I hadn’t unknowingly changed my language preferences, I realized the French flair was going to be an integral part of this episode (the reason for which will be revealed just a few scenes from now). Basically, Kim is “dans le milieu d’une situation impossible!” (“In the middle of an impossible situation!”)

Cut to Nathan engaging in a heated argument for the first time in history and yelling at Stella, “I want YOU out of MY house!”

Stella looks bewildered at the suggestion and argues with Nathan so she can stay in the house.

Poor Kim ends up the go-between and is forced to deliver the cold remarks from one parent to the next, including depositing a bag of Stella’s things next to her on the couch and announcing that Nathan wants her gone by five.

Nathan slaves away in the kitchen while Stella unconvincingly asserts that they’ll never last without her. Now, we may only know Kim’s family through a brief 4-episode journey so far, but having seen Nathan cook, clean, do laundry and basically play the part of the only grown-up in the house, I’m willing to bet that Stella’s absence won’t cause the walls of the Daniels home to come tumbling down.

Up in Kim’s room, Stella sobs over how she doesn’t know how she’ll ever be with another man again. Kim is quick to remind her that being with another man was in fact what got them all into this mess. But then, being the kind-hearted girl that she is, she does try to comfort Stella and the two share an awkward hug. Stella was never one for closeness, and this particularly pathetic and completely unsympathetic vulnerable side of her would make anyone uncomfortable.

Next thing we know, Kim and Nathan are on the front steps, waving good-bye to Stella, who is in a taxi on her way to god-knows-where. Nathan turns to Kim after the unemotional goodbye and adds, “Tell her I want the rest of her things gone by Friday.”

Kim rolls her eyes saying, in voiceover, “And just when I thought I’d escaped it all…”

Later, she and Sugar go to the beach near the pier and get all bundled up and cozy on a bench. Naturally though, Sugar’s eye is wandering and we watch as a very French-looking character appears with ice cream cones in hand. Ah, and here we have the reason for the emergence of Kim’s French skills in the first scene. Frenchie here is clearly Sugar’s flavor of the week, and just as we adjust to the greasy, long-haired sight of him, he asks her what flavor ice cream cone she’d like. She doesn’t understand a word because, well, maybe you haven’t noticed, but Sugar’s not so bright, and speaking fluent French is definitely not one of the few intellectual skills she does possess. She turns to Kim, who translates for her and tells Frenchie (who we now learn is named Guillaume) that she would like the vanilla.

Apparently Sugar and our new foreign friend met just the night before and somehow, for the first few hours of their interaction at least, the language barrier was not a problem. Flash to a scene of Sugar and Guillaume’s feet sticking out from behind a bench on the beach. Voiceover Kim informs us though that perhaps the occasional verbal understanding may have been useful…

Sugar pulls away from Guillaume just as things are getting down and dirty and asks him about a condom. Not understanding a word she is saying, he rambles momentarily in French, telling her that she is “fantastique.” She repeats her question. No luck. She pushes him down, frustrated, and we are to assume at that point called Kim to arrange the following day’s ménage-à-trois (well, sort of). Voiceover Kim confirms our suspicions, announcing, “I was their French speaking interpreter.” And she doesn’t sound too thrilled about it either.

Between the translating going on at home and the literal translations for Sugar, Kim hasn’t had a genuine conversation of her own so far this episode. No one seems to care much what she has to say unless it’s a message from someone else.

Back at the pier, she and Sugar and Guillaume are on the bench, eating their ice cream cones – some more, ahem, suggestively, than others. Sugar asks Kim to ask Guillaume what he is doing later.

“I thought you were going out with me…” Kim responds, disappointed and, we’re not really sure why, somewhat shocked at Sugar’s complete disregard for their prior arranged engagement. Sugar ignores her friend and continues with what she wants translated, “Maybe we can get to know each other better…”

I would like to add here, yet again, that I really have no idea why Kim is so in love with Sugar, the selfish, vapid individual that she is. Rather than translate Sugar’s message literally for Guillaume, she cuts through the bullshit and announces to him, in French: “She wants to shag you again.” He smiles and kisses Sugar’s hand. She giggles in response. Is anyone else thinking that Kim should be paid for these torturous services?

Cut to a room as messy as a college dorm room – discarded pizza boxes, empty beer cans, dirty laundry, and then….camera pans up and we see Stella. Where is she living? With Dale, who is so young he may as well be a frat boy. He appears and the two start kissing. Stella can’t quite get past the scenery and so they don’t get very far. Plus, it appears some of their passion disappeared with Stella’s marriage. Now that it’s not a dirty little secret, Stella appears significantly less enthused.

Back on the pier, Sugar, Guillaume, and Kim-the-translator are mini-golfing. Kim tries to tell Stella how worried she is about Stella, but Sugar is so busy grinding her slutty self against Mr. Eurotrash that she doesn’t really catch anything her supposed best friend is trying to say. Fed up, Kim storms off the course and for the next minute or two Sugar makes a weak attempt to bring her back (more for the translating services than out of genuine concern, of course). The highlight of the scene though comes at the end, when Kim is attempting to go a third time and Sugar yells after her, “But who’s gonna translate for me?” And Kim whips around, middle finger proudly displayed, and shouts, “Translate this!” And then, in French, “Fuck off!” It’s about time the girl stood up for herself.

As Kim walks away, voiceover Kim announces, very philosophically, “Sometimes life throws up unexpected pleasures. But mostly, it deals you a pile of shit.”

That night, we get our first glimpse of what life-minus-Stella is like in the Daniels home. Nathan serves up the food (nothing new there) while Kim and Matt sit quietly at the table. Well, Matt maybe not so quietly…the little alien bro has socks over his hands and has taken to creating a puppet show of sorts out of the situation. Everything Nathan and Kim say is repeated by the puppets.  Nathan tells the children that the next time they see their whore of a mother (ok, I added the whore part), they should tell her that they had her favorite dessert, lemon meringue. Kim looks at Nathan, entirely fed up by these childish games, and asks bewildered why on earth they would tell Stella that. Keep in mind, all the while, the sock puppets are doing their thing on Matt’s hands.

Nathan then gets distracted, noticing that the kitchen table is slightly off-kilter. Kim insists it’s always been like that, but Nathan becomes obsessed and rattles the thing so much that he knocks one of the dinner plates off.

Matt sleeps in Kim’s room that night, under her bed with his sock friends. Nathan drinks alone at the kitchen table. I must admit, I’m a little shocked to see that Stella’s absence has had any effect on these people whatsoever. After all, she was completely useless when she was there anyway.

As Kim is reading in bed, her phone rings and guess who it is? Sugar. Not just Sugar calling to say hello either, Sugar having sex with Guillaume and needing some very personal translating services. She asks Kim how to say “cunnilingus” in French and Kim huffs that she doesn’t know and hangs up the phone. It is at this point that the girl finally wises up and decides to do what I thought she should have been doing all along – taking advantage of the translating opportunity. Voiceover Kim announces the breakthrough saying, “That was it. The situation sucked and it was about time someone took control.”

Kim redials Sugar to tell her what she thinks will be a very useful French phrase. After stating it a few times to make sure Sugar will get it right, she informs her, “That will get you what you want.” Sugar is immensely grateful for the information, clearly craving some “cunnilingus.

Unfortunately for her, Kim didn’t tell her how to say “cunnilingus,” she told her how to say, “Up the arse.” Sugar repeats the phrase to Guillaume who nods enthusiastically. Kim giggles to herself as she hangs up the phone, finally getting to have a little fun in the midst of the soap opera her life has turned into. She is confident that “things were about to change.”

She wakes up in the morning determined to “no longer be shit on.” As she walks downstairs, ready to face a brand new day, she sees the sad sight of her usually very together father slumped against the wall, having sawed the kitchen table to bits in an attempt to correct its small flaw. Clearly, Kim is the only person with an ounce of sense or maturity left in the house now. She scolds her father and then Matt walks in, equally shocked at the sight of the kitchen and his father. Kim tells him they are going out and he asks, “Are you like Mom now?” Kim answers, “Seems that way, doesn’t it?” She sends Matt outside and asks Nathan if he plans on sorting himself out. He’s not sure, he tells her. He’s apparently “sick of being the sensible one.” Kim thinks that that’s “just bloody great.

And I thought Nathan annoyed me when he was just a well-put-together pushover.

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In the meantime, Stella is still at Dale’s, and this morning she’s attempting to cook breakfast. The concept is clearly new to her. Dale comes through the room and she unsuccessfully tries to woo him with some sort of bacon and toast sandwich. He leaves for work and she’s alone again in the filthy frat boy apartment.

Kim has decided to take Matt to the pier to get away from the war zone their house has turned into. The two play boardwalk games on either side of Sugar and Guillaume. Kim is anxious to hear how things went over after she gave Sugar her own version of a French lesson, but much to her despair, while “up the arse” wasn’t quite what Sugar had been expecting, she liked it. Voiceover Kim comes on to announce that if her small, only pleasure of ruining Sugar’s sexual escapade had failed, then her world was really falling apart.

Sugar and Guillaume struggle to communicate, once again, and Kim jumps in to help – but this time with a new idea. She tells Sugar that Guillaume says he’s very sorry but he has to go. Sugar is confused, but Kim insists that that’s what Guillaume said, that he has to go meet his friends on the other side of town. Kim then tells Guillaume, in French, that Sugar would like him to leave now and that she said she’d rather spend the afternoon with her. She finishes off by telling him he’s a “wanker.” He stalks off, pissed and confused. Kim shrugs and acts innocent.

The remaining three leave the boardwalk and walk around Brighton together. Sugar is rehashing the situation with Guillaume and trying to figure out where things went wrong, when suddenly, space bro reverse translates and reveals everything that was really said in the conversation. Sugar is pissed, but doesn’t have much time to react because next thing you know, they are walking into Kim’s house to find Nathan passed out against the wall in the kitchen.

Sugar, always classy, states, “Fuck me, Nate, it’s the middle of the day!” She and Kim, forgetting for a moment about the crap with Guillaume, lift Nathan around their shoulders and carry him to the living room to sleep it off. While they arrange him, Sugar starts droning on again about Guillaume and how she really, really liked him and that he was the very first person to ever give her an orgasm. Kim grins at the thought of Sugar having an orgasm, but then insists, “He was a dirty French wanker.” The two exchange a few more remarks and Kim laughs at Sugar’s downright obsession over the foreign boy. When Sugar begins to sulk, Kim apologizes for laughing and not taking her seriously. Sugar accepts the apology, but adds that Kim could make it up to her by finding him and getting her one more night with him.  Kim must have inherited some of those pushover qualities of her father’s because she stupidly agrees. The agreement does get her one thing she can’t get enough of though, Sugar squealing in delight, “Kimmy, I love you!”

Kim arranges to meet Guillaume at the pier and the two have a little chat at the carousel. He asks her for one good reason why he should go see Sugar. Kim tries first telling him she’s pregnant. He doesn’t buy it. She then goes for a more sentimental attempt and tells him Sugar is in love with him. Cocky French bastard shrugs and says, “Of course.” And then Kim pulls out her secret weapon, “You didn’t give her an orgasm.” Now this gets Guillaume’s attention. Horrified that he left her thinking he’s “crap in bed,” he agrees to see her again.

Kim then goes to Dale’s to do some family damage-control. Stella answers the door and, very uncharacteristically, pulls Kim into her for a hug. She seems genuinely relieved and exclaims, “Thank God you’re here. I’ve been going out of my mind. What do I do?” Kim responds that she should just come home. Stella looks back at her confused and points towards the kitchen. She was talking about meatloaf. She’s trying to cook meatloaf and failing miserably at it. That is why she is glad to see Kim.

Pan around to the rest of Dale’s apartment and the place is spotless. Completely unrecognizable. Stella and Kim sit down on the sofa and Stella tells Kim what a mess the place had been. She proudly states that it took her five, exhausting hours to clean it. Kim looks shocked again and asks, “You did that?,” clearly remembering the countless days, weeks and months that went by where Stella didn’t so much as lift a finger to help her husband and two children in their home. Then Stella delivers the kicker, “I’m not coming back Kim. Nathan made the right decision throwing me out.” Aware of what a completely useless waste of space she had been to everyone in her family, Stella seems to have made peace with living dorm-room style with the decorator. Kim is distraught over the news though.

Back home with Nathan and Matt later that night, Nathan appears to have pulled himself (and the dining room table back together) and the three eat dinner together. Nathan apologizes to the kids for how things have been. Matt suggests they all go ice skating together to lighten the mood and Nathan thinks it’s a splendid idea. He tells the kids that things will get back to normal and then, “maybe your mother…” He trails off without finishing his thought.

Kim helps him with the dishes after dinner and he asks how Stella had seemed. Kim lies, “She’s miserable, Dad.” Nathan looks encouraged, so Kim pushes it a step further saying, “She’ll be home soon."

Voiceover Kim justifies all of this by telling us, “The thing about being in the middle is you have the power to make everyone feel good.”

The next day, Kim accompanies Sugar to the bus station to assist in translating the good-byes between Sugar and Guillaume. Sugar is clearly still smitten, while Guillaume is very over her. Rather than hurt Sugar with some of the more blunt remarks Guillaume has, such as, “Farewell my little whore,” Kim translates with a slightly altered version, like, “Farewell my little angel.”

As he gets on the bus, the last thing he says is, “I hope I haven’t caught anything.” Kim tells Sugar, “I love you.” It may be “from” Guillaume, but Kim stares longingly at Sugar as she says it, while Sugar stares longingly at her Frenchman who is now on the bus, about to depart.

And then Kim has her most brilliant idea yet. She turns to Sugar and says, nonchalantly, “He says he’d really like to see two women kissing.”

Sugar grins, “So dirty, I love him,” and pulls Kim in for the kiss we’ve all been waiting for! They stand in the middle of the street, French-kissing away while the camera spins around them and the bus pulls out of sight.

Wow.