11 Lesbian Archetypes of Tinder

So I am recently single and this inevitably means I've had to wade back into sordid and splendid mire of online dating.  Tinder, the newest iteration in this universe, is dating distilled--for the uninitiated, it's basically an updated version of Hot or Not in which you swipe left (not hot) or right (hot) on random people's photos, and if you both like each other you are given the option to chat and then even meet up with them IRL.  Hardly anyone writes a complex profile--that's not really the point--and people rarely find true romance on here (unless I'm out of touch and this has suddenly changed).  

Being a lesbian on any kind of dating site is both uniquely good and uniquely bad for a number of reasons. On the plus side, it helps you actually find other lesbians, which can be especially challenging if you are a relatively femme girl looking for other femmes (like me).  It's also just nice to step outside the immediate boundaries of your incestuous friend group and/or the gay bar scene in your city and meet someone refreshing and unconnected to your tiny lesbian world.  

On the negative side, being a lesbian means you are constantly barraged with some bizarre, and some downright horrifying propositions, from strangers (including guys and couples, more on that later).  

Yet, regardless of all the batshit crazy people that you can find online, everyone still seems to suck it up and join.  Because swiping left and right is a great way to pass the time while doing just about anything, and it's a system that is inherently set up to be self-rewarding--you can affirm and reject people as you please and never know who is rejecting you since it only shows you your matches.  

After swiping through roughly 1,000 women in the greater Los Angeles area on Tinder thus far, I've run across the same archetypes time and again.  Without further ado, here's my take on the ten lesbian tinder types.  

1.  The Testbian

This girl is generally smoking hot and over 5'7"...basically looks like she could have fallen out of a Versace catalogue.  The only problem is that she's never had a lesbian relationship before and has not yet crossed over into the actually-willing-to-date-a-real-woman phase of her coming out story.  My friend is currently dealing with a girl like this.  This girl is sexy, apparently great in bed, but disappears frequently and has a lot of photos of what appear to be ex boyfriends all over her Instagram.  Granted, these girls can, and do, make the switch, so to speak, but it's definitely a slippery slope and might be more pain than gain.  I am not saying anything general about bisexual girls, by the way.   We all have been in this position of being unsure and scared to tell the world about our homogayness.  It's just not always fun to be on the other side.  

2. The "I'm using my hot friend(s) as click bait" Lesbian

This is the girl whose main photo is a gaggle of women, none of whom you can determine is the actual profile holder.  The typical way that this scenario pans out is that you click through a couple more group photos and then realize that she's the less-than-attractive one of her friends.  Sigh.

3.  The "I am definitely not the age that I claim to be" Lesbian

These women all seem to say that they're 28...yet they appear to be closer to 55.  Listen, being older is nothing shameful, but let's stop lying about our ages, yes?  I'd be much more game to match with a sexy forty-something who is truthful than a woman who is clearly pretending to be 20 years her junior.

4.  The "Mildly terrifying girl who looks like she might use you in a satanic ritual" Lesbian

You can usually recognize this type by the proliferation of photos of her a) engulfing fire, b) having no discernible skin underneath all the tattoos, or c) writing something akin to "I practice pagan sacrifices" and so forth.  I am all about self-expression, but this just isn't my type.  Clearly it is a winning type though, since I see about five of these girls per twenty swipes, on average. 

5.  The "I'm a straight man who's pretending to be a woman in order to hit on lesbians on Tinder" Lesbian

"Why do any men appear on my Tinder at all?" I wonder to myself as I repeatedly select the "Show Me Only Women" option.  I got curious about this particular phenomenon and matched with a guy.  I then messaged him, "Hi, I'm a lesbian, so I'm wondering how or why Tinder is showing you to me as a potential match.  Did you mark on Facebook that you are a woman who likes women?  Why does this happen?"

His response: "Wow, I don't know.  How weird.  By the way, are you bisexual? ;)  Have you ever tried dick before?"

Well, now at least I have an answer.  I thought straight men had already hit their lowest low, but they continue to surprise me.  I should have really learned this lesson during the brief and eye-opening era of Chatroulette.  NEXT.

6.  The "How could you possibly think that this was a good idea to use as your lead picture" Lesbian

I saw a photo in which a woman's entire nipple is actually hanging out of her actual bra.  I am sure that there is a demographic that likes this approach.  But my goodness, I think I've had my fill, thanks.  This also applies to selfies where the girl's cellphone covers 3/4 of her face, photos that are borderline porn, people upside-down, zoomed in on one eyeball, and making some obscene hand gesture or facial expression. 

7.  The "None of my pictures are of myself except this half-blurred one...the rest are pieces of art or animals or random objects" Lesbian

So your lead picture is a car.  Cool.  Are you trying to be auto-erotic? (pun fully intended)  Listen, this site is intended for one thing and one thing only: whether or not people think that other people fit into their attractiveness quota.  Do not show me solo photos of your dog or your vehicle or your flower arrangement.  This tells me nothing except that maybe you're too ashamed to post your own face.  Which brings us back to square one.

8.  The "I'm advertising for my services and hope that this random dating app will bring me more clients" Lesbian

Hair and makeup artists, headshot photographers, graphic designers, you name it.  Somehow, some way, Tinder has actually become a place for people to post free ads for their one-man business.  I'm really happy that you make decorative cake pops, but could you just be like everyone else and spam me on Facebook?  Thanks.

9.  The "We are a really open-minded heterosexual couple and I'm on here because my boyfriend wants me to troll for women to be our erotic third" "Lesbian"

This girl is not a lesbian.  She's looking for a threesome.  Clearly there's a market for this, as these women have become frighteningly ubiquitous on lesbian dating sites.  My advice to them is: actual lesbians don't fuck men. People these days... 

10.  The "I may or may not work at Hooters and/or a strip club and my gigantic, fake breasts are the centerpiece of every photo" Lesbian

I have a hard time figuring out if these girls are actually gay or not.  My guess is a firm NO, but my feminist side insists that yes, some lesbians can fit this particular mold (pun intended again) and still love ladies. 

finally...

And 

11.  The "I'm your ex-girlfriend and I'm on here solely to torment you" Lesbian

Keep in mind that I'm being tongue-in-cheek here, as I have been with this whole list. I realize that my ex is not on Tinder intentionally to hurt me, and she is in fact a very kind person.  But wouldn't it be great if social media didn't throw breakups in our faces constantly? Also, I don't need to be reminded how much more beautiful she is than the collective masses every time I swipe around.  

Happy Tindering