On 'Love, Simon' and What It's Like to Be Outed

Spoilers ahead!

There's a specific moment in Love, Simon that sends chills up my spine.

20th Century Fox's newest teenage rom-com (based off of Becky Albertalli young adult novel Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda) follows Simon Spier, a closeted teenager who's romantic online connection with an anonymous classmate named Blue is threatened when a blackmailer threatens to expose his sexuality and out the guy he loves. 

Without spoiling too much, Simon is eventually outed, and after a full day of brushing off side eyes and hushed whispers from his classmates, the level-headed Simon snaps when confronted by his antagonist. "That's supposed to be my thing," he spits. "I'm supposed to be the one to decide when and where and who knows. You took that from me!"

The faint smell of chlorine and a hazy memory and came roaring back as I sat in the theater for my third viewing. Having grown up with an alarmist father and panicky mother, I inherited a crippling amount of self-doubt and fear. In college, anxiety kept me in the closet. That particular kind of loneliness felt safe. 

Brandon was the first person I told I was gay. He sat next to me in show choir rehearsals. Yes, show choir. How everyone didn't know I was gay, I have no idea. He was sweet when I told him.

One hazy August night, he walked me home. When you're a 21-year-old virgin who had a bit too much to drink, you jump on the first guy that shows interest in you. So we hooked up. "No big deal," I thought.

Much like the sex, the next couple of weeks were hazy and painful. As I began building up the courage to tell people the secret I'd guarded for so long, cracks in my plans spread across my face like a broken mirror. 

I'd walk into rooms of my show choir friends and they'd immediately stop talking. Conversations with them became littered with awkward silences, uncomfortably shifting like they had something to say but didn't know how to say it. Then came the gay jokes.

The whole choir knew. Thirty-four people knew. And I'd only told one. 

Was my non-virginity as obvious as teen movies made it seem? Or had Brandon said something? No, he wouldn't do that? He was gay! He knew my situation. He knew how hard it was for me to come out to just him. No way. But how else? If he did talk, they probably knew he was my first.

I would've preferred a knife in the back. Anger boiled within me as I digested the betrayal. I dodged eye contact, avoided questions. Why was I so mad? I was planning on telling people about my sexuality anyway. But I couldn't shake feeling like I'd been mugged.

"I'm supposed to be the one to decide when and where and who knows and you took that from me."

I pretended everything was fine around Brandon. I avoided everyone in that group except a few and dropped out at the end of the semester. 

Months later, I reconnected with Rob and Cara, two of my show choir pals, and we took a dip in the neighbors' pool. "Should I come out to them?" I wondered. Just as I was working up the courage, they beat me to it. 

 "So... you're gay?" asked Rob.

"What?" I looked down. 

"Are you... gay?" Cara shot an uncomfortable glance at him. I sank down so only my eyes and ears were above the surface. "We... heard you hooked up with Brandon." 

I snorted some pool water. "Who told you that?" 

"Brandon."

Betrayal confirmed.

"I mean..." I sighed. "Yeah."

Shame flooded my senses. I was ashamed I hadn't been the one to tell my friends first. I was ashamed that my first time was being talked about like some cheap piece of gossip. I was ashamed that I'd been such a bad judge of character and I let that asshole take something so precious from me.

I didn't tell them that. I chuckled about the experience and pushed the conversation forward. 

Sometimes I wish I confronted Brandon about how shitty it was for him to out me, about how much I resented him. Other times I wonder if it would've done any good.

Maybe that's why Simon's confrontation feels so cathartic.  

In one of his emails to Blue, Simon says why he's so apprehensive to come out. "No matter what, announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying, 'cause what if the world doesn't like you." 

The announcement can be even scarier when someone snatches the microphone and does it for you.