Yesterday was my birthday.  My girlfriend has been under strict instruction not to throw me any birthday parties, and to never ever under any circumstances throw me a surprise party.  So of course she threw me three different parties this week, including a surprise party at my pal Grace Moon’s. Why are girlfriends so difficult?

I thought it was just going to be Moon, Emma and I eating salad and discussing Masters and Johnson’s Homosexuality in Perspective,  so imagine my shock when 10 homos jumped out of her bedroom closet and screamed at me. My cynicism dissipated quickly though, it really was a group of the most fabulous lgbtqs a girl could love. And as soon as the surprise settled in, the party kicked off, and as usual, turned into a workshop/consciousness-raising group discussion about sex.

The topic was sex drives—more specifically, how many times a week would you do it in ideal circumstances. The group contained various genders and sexual orientations, and the answers ranged from multiple times a day to twenty minutes once a month. But the one thing everyone agreed on was if they could squeeze in a quickie mid-week without the time-consuming set-up, they would.

It’s harder for queers to have quickies--we’re too good at sex to have it fast. We like the build-up, plus our outfits are so complicated. Who’s going to help you into your latex jumpsuit if the houseboi takes a day off?

I have a theory about quickies. They aren’t impossible and can actually be as satisfying as an all day sexathon. The secret is engaging your brain. Go for the dirty talk. Forget thinking it’s cheesy or sexist or demeaning or scripted, just learn to fetishize those things like the rest of the world and you’ll do just fine!

Get your lover tuned in by saying smutty things to her and you guys can even skip the humping part. Try talking dirty, getting her really worked up, and then engaging in a little side-by-side masturbation. Really, it makes a perfect before-bed-after-a-long-work-day quickie.

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It’s kind of embarrassing to talk in porno speak if you aren’t used to it. But it’s a total turn-on when you do it right. I know it sounds weird, but practice when you’re alone. Talking dirty on the phone is good practice too. Phone sex = super hot.

Forget the elaborate scenario. It’s more about the sound of certain words and the way they make you feel. Tread carefully at first. You want to turn her on, not scare her. Using explicit language in bed triggers your brain/body connection and ups the intensity of what’s going on.

If you’re usually quiet, make some noise.  Oooh, aaahhh, and OhMyGod, will take you pretty far. Describe what you’re doing while you’re doing it. Add pet names. Some good ones are: baby, sugar, daddy, officer, bastard, sir, lover, stud, cocksucker, slut, whore, or bitch. Seriously, some perfectly reasonable people think being called a dirty cocksucking whore in bed is the most romantic thing in the world.

Don’t be vague. Use slang words, and choose them carefully. Pussy is always good. Cunt and hole work too. OK, I’m not sure about gash, but hey if you’re more advanced than me, run with it.

Here’s a crib sheet in case you get tongue-tied. Tape it to the wall or something.
For lady parts: pussy, cunt, snatch, hole, box
For butch parts: prick, cock, dick, rod
For ass: ass, crack, asshole, hole
For boobs: tits, rack, hooters (totally kidding about that last one!)
For screwing: fuck, ball, bang, shag, stick it in
For oral sex: eat, go down on, lick me, blow me, head, blowjob, suck it

Now string them all together. Pick a pet name, an action term, a body part and make a sentence. You should come up with something like “Stick it in my pussy you slut.”