Obviously being queer is awesome, and most of us build up friendship network and environments where our sexuality is comfortable and accepted. But being out in workplaces – especially new workplaces – can bring a whole bunch of bullshit. Here’s some of the worst – and some ways to deal.
1) Assumed heterosexuality
There are basically two options here. If you’re a queer girl, unless you’re lucky and/or live in the Bay Area, people will probably assume you’re het – or if you’re butch or gender-non-conforming, they’ll be very weird about you and/or ask nosy personal questions. Let’s put the latter to one side for now, and deal with the continual low-grade microaggression of having any partner referred to as male, having people try and make jokes to you about sex with men, repeatedly correcting people and being ignored, and generally being forced to choose between deliberately coming out with all the risks of non-acceptance and hostility that entails or being forced to disown a significant part of yourself in an environment where you spend approximately a third of your life. Nobody should feel forced to come out if they’re not comfortable doing so or feel their safety and comfort may be put at risk, but if you want to, an excellent queer manager of my acquaintance suggests you start by approaching your HR representative or equalities officer (if the latter exists) and asking them for help and support through the process. HR folk are much more likely to have had diversity training and to have access to resources and networks – and to be able to arrange for further training of anyone who’s a dick about it.
2) Having to come out, sometimes repeatedly
Coming out is stressful, even with the most supportive manager and colleagues in the world. Alas, sometimes either manager or colleagues are anything but, and either your personal life turns into office gossip and people stop talking whenever you enter a room for a week or nobody knows how to deal with it or assumes it is a Big Dark Secret and you keep having to casually mention your partner is female and watch people struggle to respond appropriately. Again, advice from HR representative is helpful here, and an awareness of the legal position vis-à-vis sexual discrimination at work (not that you should wave the rule book as an opener, but it’s good to know where you stand.) Things are hopefully starting to change, but the 'at will' firing policy in many US states sometimes means you aren't necessarily protected by any employment law against homophobes, whilst healthcare being tied to work means you can be fired if you try to add your partner to your health insurance. It’s pretty shit, and unfortunately if you’re in a traditional or religious area or afraid of falling foul of homophobic bullshit many people choose simply to stay in the closet. Things are changing, but it’s okay if you’d rather not be the vanguard.
3) Creepy and insensitive remarks
Ah, yes. People asking about how you have sex. People criticising your gender presentation. People telling you you’re morally deficient because you’re queer. People (particularly male people) asking if they can watch or making suggestive remarks. People asking who the man is in your relationship. People assuming you’re overly sensitive or uptight about ‘political correctness’. (Here’s a fun game, derived from Neil Gaiman – everything you hear the phrase ‘political correctness’, mentally replace it with ‘treating people with respect’ and then watch how dickish people seem.) Religious bullshit. If you’re bi or pan, ‘but I thought you were a lesbian!’ or ‘but I thought you were straight!’ every time you get a new partner. (Woe betide you if you’re poly, people’s heads might explode.) Everyone has different stories about this, but it’s all pretty shit.
4) Hiding your romantic and sexual life
The knock-on effect of the lack of legal employment protections is that lots of people end up hiding their sex lives and their partners from work, which is awkward and uncomfortable and leads to massive cognitive dissonance if it goes on for long enough. It’s often easier to come out casually to resolve this than make a big announcement, but it’s a good idea to have some understanding of your workplace culture before you do it, and the backing of someone senior if you can. If your organisation is big, you probably aren’t the only one, and once you start others might follow (or vice versa).
5) Ignorant workmates
Sometimes, through no fault of their own, people have grown up with a bunch of religious bullshit about the ‘sin of homosexuality’ or have just been told that lesbians don’t exist, are predatory, are all ugly, can’t get a man, rape culture etc etc etc. It is really horrible being on the receiving end of this, from women getting weird about sharing a changing room with you to guys saying ‘but you’re really hot!’ as if it’s a fucking compliment. Sometimes people will listen and respond to gentle explanations and being invited to empathise, but if you can’t be bothered then sarcasm is always good.
6) Hostile managers
If somebody has shitty ideas and is in a position of power over you, that’s possibly the worst scenario. If you can go above them to their manager or sideways to HR or equalities for support in dealing with coming out or with their hostility, that’s great – if not, support networks outside your organisation (or your union, if you’re in the UK – does the US even have trade unions?) are going to be essential. Sometimes you just have to suck it up – but keep an eye out for sympathetic faces or avenues of support within and without your organisation, and be poised to leap.
7) Speculation about your sex life
…both how you conduct it with your partner, and whether people can join it. Fuck that. Admittedly I am a fairly direct person, but I would just shut that down as soon as it comes up – ‘that’s really inappropriate’, ‘less of the creepy please’, ‘what makes you think that’s an acceptable thing to say?’ Try icy contempt or acid disdain, they’re quite fun. Or just a raised eyebrow and a subject change. Dicks gonna dick, doesn’t mean you gotta suck’em.
8) Disrespectful questions
Sometimes, people are genuinely ignorant of how to be polite about differences in gender and sexuality, and you’ll find that treating their questions calmly and curiously will defuse any tensions and make them grateful for your tolerance to boot. Sometimes that isn’t the case – you are completely within your rights to withdraw from any conversation where your sex life is the butt of the joke, even if you just do it by sitting down at your desk and starting some work instead of continuing the conversation. Keep your dignity if you can – there’s nothing like the moral high ground, and you’ll make the questioners look like asses.
9) Getting hit on by dudes (because urgh, patriarchy)
Some dudes would try and convince you to fuck them even if you had a red flashing light with ‘not fucking interested’ on your head. (Some might even find it encouraging). There is a horrible subculture that assumes queer girls are fair game or ‘haven’t met the right man yet’, and whilst this is basically symbolic of ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH WESTERN CULTURE IS FUCKED UP ABOUT GENDER AND SEXUALITY AND CAN IT PLEASE STOP NOW, knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Again, direct person, ‘sorry, don’t do dudes’ or ‘less of the inappropriate please’ have worked for me in the past, but you can also point out how unprofessional and/or pathetic it is to pester women IN YOUR OFFICE (Don Draper has a lot to answer for) who totally aren’t into it. If you need to and you can, escalate it to your manager – this is a pretty clear sexual harassment issue.
10) Having to worry about this stuff
One day we will live in a world where everyone is just people and we don’t judge each other according to what we choose to do with our genitalia. Until that day, try and be a good person, point out when people aren’t being, and campaign for changes in employment law. You have as much chance to make the future as anyone, so you may as well make a start.
Many thanks to Maddy, Eunice, Benny, Jennifer, Natasha, Franco, Archie, Drew, Ruth, and particularly the lovely Holly who dedicated an entire hour of conference to talking me through various relevant issues. You rock.
