A Call to Action to All Boob Starers!

What's the deal with boob starers? Were they not breastfed? Were they breastfed too long? Does improper breastfeeding leave a lasting scar like bad potty training? I don't know what causes boob staring, maybe you do. Perhaps it's a combination of childhood tragedy, a weaning trauma, or the lure of a deluxe cable package with easy access to Cinemax and the Spice Channel while you're working late.

I know you know what I'm talking about because if you have boobs, you've encountered boob starers. Boob starers are people who look right at your boobs while you are talking. They don't stare in a pained, lascivious, lustful way; it's usually a benign zombie stare. In fact, they can be any gender or sexual orientation. A couple nights ago I encountered a 60-year-old gay male boob starer. I was chatting with him and his partner of 30 years and he was inviting my knockers over for dinner.

Boob starers are like the cat when it's staring at a spot on the floor. You're across the room calling, "Fluffy, Fluffy, come here. Fluffy come eat your fancy feast!" And Fluffy's little ears are twitching and his tail is flicking up and down on the linoleum, but Fluffy won't look at you because he's compelled by invisible kitchen demons. Boob starers act just like Fluffy. They twitch their ears and keep talking to you. They respond to what you are saying. They answer questions and converse normally but never lift their gaze above your V-neck. If I'm talking to you and you are talking to my décolletage I'm just going to think you're a tool. Don't you know I can actually see you staring at my chest area?

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I had a boss who was a boob starer. He could have an entire conversation with my blouse. Once he talked to the front of my sweater for a full twenty minutes about the 300-page end-of-year activity report that he wanted me to edit.

Late night comic Craig Ferguson just came out with a memoir in which he describes the time he met Dick Cheney.  And surprise, surprise turns out Cheney is a boob ogler. Boob oglers are creepy. They are different from a boob starers. Boob ogling is done with lustful intent, surreptitiously and usually from a distance. As opposed to the boob starer, the boob ogler is creepy. Boob oglers are spies. They spy on you while you stand around, holding a glass of Pinot Gringo and wishing the guy next to you wasn't wearing quite so much Drakkar Noir.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which means it's a perfect time of the year for boob starers and boob oglers to not only redeem themselves but to also ensure that there are plenty of boobs to both stare at and ogle, respectively. If you've got any boob watching weirdos in your office, encourage them to make a charitable donation to help fund breast cancer research. I suggest wearing your pink ribbon just above your nipple as a gentle, but constant reminder.

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