Sports for Girls: A View from the Couch
Gold Medal Babe Mary Wineberg challenges creep Chad 'Ocho Cinco' Johnson to a 400 meter race. ESPN's Bonnie Bernstein flashes the goods and German soccer pro Eva Roob gives porn a kick. Plus dildos on the ice! Don't ask. Hockey star Cammi Granato and more...
It’s Bengals’ receiver Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson. You’ve met creeps like this. All they can do is talk about themselves. This creep is no different. Since racing a horse, Ocho Cinco has said he would box Floyd Mayweather, beat Kobe Bryant one-on-one in hoops, and race Jeff Gordon. Back in August, he said he boasted he would out-swim Michael Phelps. This guy is king of the creeps.
Up till now, only the horse had taken up the challenge to put his athleticism where his mouth is. Thankfully, someone has gotten tired of hearing how great the creep is. He’s been told to put up or shut up by -- I love it -- a woman. Not just any woman mind you, but Mary Wineberg, relay runner and gold medal winner in the Beijing Olympics. She’s challenged him to a 400 meter race. Once around the track, so to speak.
"I had just heard when I got back that he (Chad Johnson) was talking about the Olympic athletes, how he can beat Michael Phelps and stuff like that, so I figured I could give him a run for his money," Wineberg said. “I figured since I'm a local athlete, maybe he'd accept. I'm just throwing it out there. Hopefully he'll contact me and we can arrange it."
Wineberg is confident of the outcome, and I’m putting my money on her also. She says that if it was just 100 meters, he might win, but that at 400 she’ll beat him for sure.
But this has happened before. Remember the Battle of the Sexes way back in 1973? Former Wimbledon champion and super creep Bobby Riggs challenged Billie Jean King to a tennis match. It came at a perfect time, and he was the perfect guy. ’73 was the height of the women's rights movement, and Riggs was making a spectacle of himself at every turn. He even wore a tee-shirt that said 'Men's Liberation' and said if he was going to be a male chauvinist pig, he was going to be the number one male chauvinist pig. She won in three straight sets. 6-4, 6-3, 6-3.
Next up I have a couple of shocks for you…
First is Bonnie Bernstein. Everyone is finding out who she is. Unfortunately they’re finding out for all the wrong reasons. 39 minutes into the first hour of ESPN’s First Take, the sexy sportscaster forgot she was wearing a skirt on national TV. When she adjusted her position on the chair, everyone watching got the shock of their life, and didn’t have to guess what color underwear she chose that morning. That’s OK with me, Bonnie. Creepy jock guys are always grabbing their junk and adjusting themselves on TV. I applaud your ability to let it all hang out and congratulate you for not being colorblind.
Bonnie might have inadvertently shown skin, but a German soccer professional has shockingly thrown in the towel and thrown off her clothes on purpose. Eva Roob is using her toned legs and shapely chest to hit something other than a soccer ball. She is now known as Samira Summer and is a porn star now. “Football was fun, but taking my clothes off is much more thrilling,” she said. I know just what Eva means. But I wonder how shocked her mother is?
Next up, Maria Sharapova has a boyfriend. No, that’s not the shocker… the boyfriend is Charlie Ebersol, son of NBC sports chairman Dick Ebersol, and the shock came when he was outbid in a charity auction and some other guy got a date with his tennis hottie girlfriend for a mere $10,000. My question is how many women put in a bid?
More on next page...
These stories not shocking enough for you? How about this headline:
“Dildo Delay at Hockey Game”
I thought you’d like that one. A pro hockey game had to be delayed when fans of Stockholm-based AIK littered the ice with sex toys before the start of the game. Earlier this year, a rival team’s player had his cell phone stolen. Soon after, an explicit video clip of him and his girlfriend began circulating around Sweden’s part of the internet.
It turns out, AIK club management was aware of the fans' plan to knock the player off his game but elected not to intervene. “We’d also heard mention of it, but we decided that it would only be worse if we went out and told the fans they were absolutely not allowed to throw dildos on the ice.” ALK club head quoted. Tell that to the guy that had to clear the ice…
Clearing the ice was harder in a Philadelphia Flyers, New Jersey Devils matchup. In overtime, after a disallowed Flyers goal, someone threw a stink bomb into the ice. After the smoke cleared, Flyers went on to win 3/2.
In other classy hockey news, New York Rangers star Sean Avery will be a summer intern at Vogue. No, really…he wrote a letter to editor Anna Wintour expressing a desire to work there. He starts this summer.
But the best news is of all is that the U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame landed its first female member, Cammi Granato.
"It's special for me because I remember her playing hockey with all the boys," her brother and fellow hockey player, Tony said. "I remember her changing her name to Carl to play in a tournament because girls weren't allowed to play. I saw her putting her ponytail under her helmet so nobody would know she was a girl. I saw all that. There's someone who plays hockey for the love of the game.”
Finally there are the not so ghostly sightings of N.Y. Yankee Alex Rodriguez and Madonna. Rodriguez finalized his divorce in September and has nothing to do this postseason October. Sources state that Madonna’s recently announced divorce will be quick. That means both of them have the time for a quiet dinner for two, at 3rd Ave. Dos Caminos in N.Y.C. The sources didn’t say it would be painless though. Madonna’s son, Rocco arrived at the Big Apple Gym ready to work out in a new Yankee’s shirt. Ouch.
It wouldn’t be Halloween without sound effects. And soccer star David Beckham and singer and train wreck Amy Winehouse have them. Both their Cockney voices topped a UK poll for the most hated regional accents. News hasn’t gotten around though, because Beckham is staging a musical. The proposed title is David Beckham:The Theatre of Dreams. Maybe he’ll invite ARod and Madge to the show after dinner. See you next week.
Miss the last "Sports for Girls"?Read it here.