'AHS: Coven' Recap 3.7: Sex and Romance are Dead

This week’s episode of Coven was really fun for me as a single person because even slightly reanimated corpses are getting more action than I am. But all jokes aside (just kidding, I will never put any jokes aside), lust is truly in the air for nearly all of Coven’s blondest characters. As for the not blonde characters, it’s not quite as fun a week, but there are still plenty of sinister plots to keep everyone busy.

Our pre-title sequence teaser finds Kyle truly alive for the first time since the pilot episode. He hangs out at a tattoo parlor with his frat buddies as they joke lightly and explain their typical, silly tattoo choices, like a Japanese symbol on one of their ankles and a four-leaf clover on an upper arm.

Kyle laughs off the suggestion he join in on the fun, saying his mom wouldn’t want him to. But since people are happy and smiling, this is definitely a flashback, and in present day Kyle’s not too jolly as he realizes the body parts he’s been sewn into bear the Japanese symbol and clover of his deceased friends.

Are Kyle’s memories finally starting to resurface and turn him back into a functioning Kyle-person? Maybe, but that makes situation infinitely more insanely disturbing so he immediately starts freaking out from the chair he’s been shackled too. Zoe watches him, clutching a gun, and the title sequence begins as though we’re supposed to be surprised Zoe’s trying to shoot the dead guy she’s been trying to re-kill for weeks. After all this, you really think a gun’s going to work, Zoe? Actually, you probably do since you’re terrible at making choices.

The biggest surprise in Coven history comes when the title sequence ends and a monologue not delivered by Jessica Lange begins. Instead, a bitter, sarcastic, and cleverly articulate Madison bitches beautifully in voice-over about life as a young dead adult. As it so turns out, death has taken away her ability to feel anything sexual, painful, or otherwise.

She’s found she can’t fill the empty void inside her, but she can burn her hand off while whining poetically about her generation. At least Madison can take comfort in her life as a cute corpse still being more successful than Zoe’s as an actual living person. Meanwhile, on Zoe’s continued quest to deal with Kyle, she is easily disarmed and he nearly shoots everyone before she has a change of heart and is able to calm him down. “I don’t want you to die,” she murmurs as she cradles the guy she considered shooting in the face just moments ago. Ah, young love.

Kathy Bates is back this week, and she and Queenie seem to be strangely prepping for world’s most wildly re-imagined reboot of The Odd Couple as their relationship takes a turn for the friendly. Queenie takes LaLaurie for fast food, and as they nosh over laughs I wonder if delicious trans fats are really enough for Queenie to forgive years of this woman torturing people in actually the most disturbing ways possible. I would argue that no new French fry recipe is that powerful.

Cordelia continues to have less fun than anyone on this show, and as she wanders around the house she nearly trips down the stairs. Thank goodness Madison’s there to save her, but as she pulls Cordelia back, Cordelia is able to see exactly what transpired when Madison was murdered. Looks like Fiona is finally not getting out of this one.

Fiona is definitely getting into the Axeman, however, and they go on a nice little jazz noir date. The night gets a little tense for Fiona as her hair keeps falling out (imagine if she’d noticed the dead guy in the bathtub, that would’ve killed the mood!). The Axeman tries to seduce her with sensual saxophone jargon, and it seems as though the night may be back on track.

Back at the house, Zoe tries to reacquaint Kyle with human words and concepts using every high schoolers favorite method- flashcards! Unfortunately for Zoe, Madison’s got the biggest trump card of all and is able to bond with Kyle using her dead, blonde teenageriness. Madison and Kyle hug, and the world seems a little more at peace for the two of them.

Queenie takes a break from being buddy-buddy with LaLaurie to visit Marie Laveau. She’s curious to join Laveau’s side, where she believes she may better fit in, and Laveau says that’s totally cool, on one condition; Queenie must bring her Madame LaLaurie. Queenie almost seems apprehensive, which makes no sense because even though they bonded over burgers LaLaurie is still literally the worst person ever.

Cordelia continues to be stuck on the whole “My mom is murdering my Gifted and Talented Program” thing, and warns Zoe that she may be the next supreme, and even if she’s not Fiona may try to kill her anyway. Zoe grabs a flask because for some reason she must consume alcohol during important conversations and listens as Cordelia goes on to vow the world’s least threatening threat towards Fiona: “Kill her once, kill her good, kill her dead.”

I’m sure this sounded intense in the writer’s room, but it comes out like a Sesame Street lesson in declaring murder. Zoe’s awesome day is capped off by walking in on Madison and Kyle getting it on necropheliac-style. This girl just cannot catch a break, and even if she could she probably wouldn’t choose to.

At the Axeman’s, Fiona receives the creepiest post hook-up news ever when she learns that his ghostly presence has been stalking her at Miss Robichaux’s since she was a young child. He explains how his love for her used to be that of a father for a child, but it pretty quickly morphed into wanting to bang. Turns out this isn’t exactly the most romantic pillow talk, and Fiona’s more than a little creeped out.

Speaking of pillow talk, Zoe’s magic skills seem to have improved even further, and she has figured out how to attach Spaulding’s 40-year-old enchanted severed tongue back into his head for maximum interrogation potential. He is forced to answer truthfully when she asks him who killed Madison Montgomery, and he loudly and painfully declares it was Fiona. Zoe thanks him by puffing out his tongue in an act that might have been murder, or might have just been a weird tongue trick. I wouldn’t be incredibly devastated if this character disappeared forever, so kill away, Zoe.

BFFs Queenie and LaLaurie chat in the kitchen, and Queenie asks LaLaurie what the worst thing she ever did is. Queenie says talking candidly like this is the only way they can be true friends, and LaLaurie isn’t the brightest bulb in the box so she goes ahead and actually answers the question.

Back in flashback mode, when LaLaurie was still the Master of the Torture House, she had a slave who had just given birth. As she served them dinner, LaLaurie was exceptionally nice to the slave (so you know something incredibly awful is just around the river bend). LaLaurie asks the slave to be her new handmaid, and as she’s putting on her nightly facial mask of slave blood, she asks the slave if she knows that the special ingredient is. “This batch is extra special,” LaLaurie explains, then goes on to talk about the benefits of using blood from newborn babies.

Yep, LaLaurie is painting her face with a newborn baby’s blood in front of its mother (who later kills herself), and if you still have any sympathy for this character you are wrongity-wrong-wrong. Queenie, after this round of story time I really don’t think you and LaLaurie can be friends anymore, but that’s just me (and hopefully everyone else on the planet). 

Zoe’s feeling angsty about this whole Kyle and Madison sitting in a tree situation, but Madison clearly tuned into the “Sharing is Caring” lesson in kindergarten and offers to share the wealth of dead Kyle. Madison’s not about to give up the one thing that’s made her feel anything since her death, but she’s also pretty sure Zoe’s Vagina of Death won’t affect the already dead and doesn’t want Zoe to miss out on some sexy times. How sweet! Madison then takes Zoe’s hand and leads her to world’s blondest, deadest orgy that the audience does not get to see.

All of these choices are actually much less questionable than Fiona’s, who returns to the Axeman after almost shaving her head.

To cap off the night, Queenie takes LaLaurie to get a “hair cut,” but we all know what that really means. Queenie apparently wasn’t too won over by LaLaurie’s baby murdering, and leads her right into the clutches of Marie Laveau, who locks LaLaurie up to torture her for presumably another (and rightful) eternity.

The last shot of the evening is Angela Bassett moisturizing her own face with LaLaurie-infused Blood-trogena, and we certainly know who’s got the upper hand now (maybe even literally, if next week’s promo rings true). For some reason, Coven doesn’t seem to feel it fits the Thanksgiving theme, so it’s skipping next week, but in two weeks, we are promised some Lily Rabe time, so that alone is reason enough to tune in. In the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I leave you with this: be thankful you are not a character on Coven. And if you are, seek help immediately.