10 Lesbians Answer: 'Would You Date a Bi Girl?'
Ah. The number of times I've been left alone in the corner of a bar, clutching the drink she now wishes she'd never bought me, after dropping the b-bomb. What is it that makes some lesbians so reluctant to date bi girls?
SheWired asked a bunch of lesbians “Would you ever date a bisexual?” and this is what they said…
THE 'NO' CAMP
1. “I would feel as if I couldn't meet her needs. I would be scared she'd miss straight sex and go behind my back.” - Joyce, 19.
No. No. This is not how it works. Bisexuality means being attracted to people REGARDLESS of gender.
2. “I'm a lesbian. Why would I want to bring men into the equation in any way, shape or form? I just wouldn't like the idea that she's been with a man sexually. I'd be happy to have an open relationship but if she's sleeping with guys as well as girls then no way.” - Erica, 36.
Nobody is proposing that all of the men we've ever slept with get into bed with you when we do. If you're really that bothered about secondhand male contact, I can honestly assure you that being bi doesn't mean we don't wash between intimate experiences (or that we have loads of unprotected sex). Besides, plenty of lesbians have been with men before: not everyone is a “gold star”!
3. “No, but I'd have sex with one. Ha ha! Why not? The bi girl I dated pretty much used me as a casual fling - or as I prefer to call it, an experiment.” - Jo, 24.
One bi girl. One. And you're going to seek revenge on her by doing the same to all other bi girls? How many lesbians haven't lived up to your dating expectations? Exactly.
4. “Nah. Because life with me as a lesbian couple would be so much harder than taking the easy way and dating a man, so I wouldn't trust her to stick around. I've never dated a bisexual woman myself but I've seen enough friends have a hard time with bisexual girlfriends.” - Aisha, 25.
The only kind of erasure the LGBT community should really be supporting is the type that has Andy Bell singing onstage with it. Even if we rush off into the sunset in a big white meringue dress with a guy at our side, we are still bi. Why should we pretend we've never loved another woman? Why should we lie about past physical violence, verbal attacks, being ostracized, just for this assumed “straight privilege”? You try pretending you've never dated or felt attracted to anyone except your girlfriend for a while and see how good that feels. It's your HISTORY, your IDENTITY. Just no.
5. “My ex insisted on calling herself 'bi' even when we were dating. It was really offensive to me that she had to keep reminding me (and everyone else) that she still liked men.” - PJ, 20.
See above. Bi people don't become gay or straight according to who they're dating. That really is a bit like saying you're blonde-sexual now you're dating a blonde girl – even if your ex had brown hair. It's cute to try and pretend you've never been attracted to anyone else ever but that's not how it works. Not for anyone.
Now for those who said they would date a bisexual woman...
THE 'YES' CAMP
6. “I've been with my wife, who's bi, for almost three years and I know she's been faithful. I trust her as much as I would any loving partner and it infuriates me when I hear people giving bis bad press.” - Amy, 24.
Yep. Biphobia is pretty harmful and insulting to the lesbians who love us as well.
7. “Whether my partner is gay or bisexual, as long as we're honest and open and both on the same page regarding whether or not we want to be monogamous then it's fine! In the past, I've had enough lesbian partners cheat on me and bisexual partners remain faithful to reach the conclusion that orientation has very little to do with it. And, let's face it, cheating is cheating – a devastating betrayal of trust whatever gender it's with.” - Ellen, 40.
Because consensual polyamory and open relationships are OK! And folks of all orientations get involved in them. Bisexuality and polyamory are not mutually exclusive. And cheating is cheating whether there's a masculine force at work or not.
8. “If I find someone I want to date, I'm more interested in other aspects of their personality than if they have the capacity to be attracted to men as well as women. It's hard enough to find love without cutting off your nose to spite your face over something so silly.” - Dana, 39.
Think about exactly what's ruled out when you refuse to date bisexuals. Numerous studies show that we make up around FIFTY PERCENT of the LGBT population. Although, thanks to all this stinky stigma, a lot of us aren't very public about our bisexuality. Who knows? Maybe you're dating a bi girl already and you don't know it.
9. “I've dated bisexual women, and I would do so again in future. I guess a lot of gay people - myself included – called themselves bi before they fully came out, sort of as a transitional period. So that might be the origin of the idea of bisexuality being a sort of fence-sitting or phase thing.” - Catherine, 28.
Absolutely. Just because your “bi phase” wasn't really remotely bisexual, it doesn't mean that our bisexuality isn't real. Also – did you really find that fun? Do you not remember all the boring comments about being confused, greedy, etc? Oh, and didn't you find it just a bit crappy having to PRETEND to be bi when you were actually gay? We're not so set on pretending to be straight or gay when we're actually bi either…
10. “I've not been out and dating for long so I wasn't even really aware that it's such an issue for some women. It seems crazy. If your girl likes girls then isn't that all that matters?” - Beckah, 18.
Refreshing words from someone new to the“scene”who can't understand why it's all such a big deal. Thanks Beckah! Word.