‘We Should Not Be Friends’ Captures The Complexity Of Male Connections

There are two pitfalls a memoir all-too-commonly falls prey to: One is being written from the most pretentious points of view, with the clear intent of demonstrating how the narrator inspired everyone around them; the other is when they “discover” profound truths in the most mundane of situations. We Should Not Be Friends: The Story of a Friendship deftly avoids both traps by being unflinching in its self-awareness and finding profundity in the intimacy of a 40-year friendship.

In the memoir, Will Schwalbe writes about his lifelong friendship with Chris Maxey. Both men are rising seniors at Yale when their story begins. Their worlds collide when both are tapped to join a very unique (but unnamed) secret society. But this shared connection is where their similarities end.

On paper, their friendship makes little sense. Schwalbe is an openly gay man, dealing with the stress and terror of living at the very beginning of the AIDS epidemic. Maxey is a wrestler, with his main thoughts (or so we initially believe) focused on what he is going to do when his athletic career comes to an end. Despite these differences in lived experience, priorities, and worldview, the two do become friends, forging a relationship that spans four decades and all the life experiences, hardships, and joys that come with a long-term relationship. Despite that closeness, or perhaps because of it, they also fiercely guarded many of their truest feelings.

There is also an incident that occurs early in the men’s friendship — which goes unaddressed until decades later — that is very impactful. We won’t spoil it; however, its inclusion adds a larger message that is likely to hit home. Both men assumed the worst of themselves but never vocalized this to one another. It isn’t until they are finally honest with each other that this wound is closed.

What makes this memoir stand out is how brutally self-critical and vulnerable Schwalbe is willing to be while examining his shortcomings. It’s his honesty about his failures in being a friend, and the openness with which he shares what life was like as a gay man in the 1980s, that truly make the reader on the lifelong journey with him.

Ultimately, We Should Not Be Friends serves as a story of how two men from very different backgrounds became friends. It’s a hopeful tale that highlights how Schwalbe’s ability to open himself up to someone who would stereotypically be his foil made room for a surprising and deeply meaningful connection.

In today’s world where our differences separate us, and it can feel impossible to connect across that divide, it’s healing to read the story of how love between two men really was able to overcome all.

We Should Not Be Friends is out now.