SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist andAdvocate.comEditor Ross von Metzke are back by not-so-popular demand terrorizing SheWiredreaders with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
This week the pop culture saturated duo attempt to get esoteric with art house film references laced with hookers, adulters and Kim Cattrall. Then, Tracy is still in a lather about her perceived snub against that hotass figure skate Johnny Weir, while Evan Lysacek does a supposedly straight triple toe loop with his beard, Olympic gold medal gymnast Nastia Liuken. Yeah, we said it. Plus, Julie Benz and Dana Delany go lez on Desperate Housewives. And what is this bullshit that Betty White can host SNL, but only with a back up?
RvM: You ready, lezzie?
TEG: No.
RvM: I got a Pabst Blue Ribbon with my name on it. Get off DListed and hop to if you want to chat with me lady. I know you’re in a Seyfried meets dog k-hole, but some of us have lives to lead.
TEG: Okay. Hang on, let me just send an email and go to the bathroom. Five mins. tops.
RvM: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzz.
TEG: Sorry. Three women from USA Today were holding a powwow in the women's room. I'm pee shy so I had to wait until Sally vented about her work load before I could go.
RvM: Field? Those Boniva commercials keeping her too busy?
TEG: I wish. I could use a little Sally in my life. No, some poor overworked accounting woman for USA Today, who's forced to work weekends, she's having an affair with her middle-aged married boss and pregnant with their child. It was a long wait.
RvM: Are you fing serious?
TEG: Of course not darling. But I did feel like Roz from 9 to 5.
RvM: Writing notes on the toilet seat cover while chasing your blues away with a shot of Bacardi…
TEG: Exactly...although Bacardi's not exactly my thing. I'm more of Stoli girl. Alright. What's going on this week? You want to start with Amanda Seyfried making out with her dog or Julianne Moore?
RvM: Lets go with Julianne Moore first, leave the beastiality to our friends at the Folsom Street Faire. I shouldn’t say that, that’s crude. I know many a good leather daddy who'd spank my ass for that.
TEG: Yes, and it's a very insidery thing to say unless you've never bought funnel cake from a man in assless chaps.
RvM: Or eaten funnel cake off assless chaps. But we digress.
TEG: Yes dear.
RvM: Fatal Attraction for lezzies, is it?
TEG: So basically, Seyfried has mommy issues. Falls for Moore, a Canadian GYN hires Seyfried to entice her flirty husband -- the always watchable Liam Neeson. The movie is Chloe, btw... ChloeSPOILER ALERT AHEAD!
RvM: Yes... So your typical blonde falls for ginge, gets sidetracked by a horny old man, comes back for pussy and gets burned dramedy.
TEG: Not quite. she's never sidetracked by the horny old man. The hot ginge was always her target. Just another crazy lesbian prostitute seduces older woman, falls in love, falls through a plate glass window sort of love story. Whoops. Guess I'm going to need a spoiler alert there.
RvM: No, you're going to need a gun, because I’m gonna shoot you. Delete that shit bitch. Why am I having flashbacks to Rebecca Demornay and Julianne in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle? Now that is some blonde, ginge action I’d have paid to see back in the day.
TEG: I'm sorry for ruining the ending, but I was taught in film theory that it's never about the narrative, it's about everything else. And since this movie is an Atom Egoyan film, enjoy the mise en scene and the lighting.
RvM: Fuck you.
TEG: Meanwhile I'm going into Witness Protection.
RvM: Haha. on the subject of Demornay, she sat in front of me Friday night for Polanski and Catrall.
TEG: I knew I couldn't change that subject no matter how hard I tried. WHAT???? How is it you see every bitch in Hollywood -- in Starbucks, at the grocery store, at the movies.
RvM: Yes, I saw Demornay and queened out, and then my boyfriend saw Kate Walsh and queened out. I’d have queened out too but he mentioned her name and I nodded off.
TEG: Did you recite Guilty asSin to DeMornay?
RvM: The Trip to Bountiful.
TEG: Ha. Both of you queening out. That must have led to a hot night of Ab Fab re-runs.
RvM: Sex &The City
TEG: Of course.
RvM: After seeing Samantha Jones go brit, I was on a high.
TEG: Yes, in Ghostwriter. It was as if Samantha took lithium and decided to role play with her politician trick.
RvM: So hot. And I know you thought Olivia Williams was hot, but she is 13 years younger than Cattrall, so not that hot as they look the same age.
TEG: She's an attractive woman -- afterall, she played the sexy teacher with slight lesbian tendencies in An Education, but yes, Catrall has her beat with the aging well thing -- in Ghostwriter anyway. I guess all that research for her book on orgasming or whatever it was, kept her young.
RvM: Yes, she had to do four months of cagle research. Anyhoo.
TEG: Hah.
RvM: I’m feeing very cinematic.
TEG: it's Kegel lady! But yes, let's get off the pseduo art film circuit.
RvM: Can we go somewhere more mainstream…
TEG: I know you're not into it but... I do not believe that flamer Evan Lysacek is straight and dating Nastia Liuken! BEARD!!!!!
RvM: Yeah, shes a straight up dyke.
TEG: First he dates that hot bitch ice dancer Tanith Belbin and now Liuken. It's as contrived as Barbara Stanywyck marrying Robert Taylor.
RvM: KIDDING!
TEG: HA! All I know is that our girl Alicia Sacromone would not date a man who wears Vera Wang feathers and sparkles.
RvM: She’d kick his ass.
TEG: Yes she would. Punch him out mid triple Lutz!
RvM: Kellan Lutz? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
TEG: That's more likely!!!!!
RvM: Btw, I’m looking around EOnline - they're about as sophisticated as we over here at SheWired. Their top story is Dr. Hahn gets dismissed at Grey's Anatomy.
TEG: Anyhoo...I'm just bitter because I think he's a s flaming as Johnny Weir, and poor Johnny got sixth place based on his being such a big homo!
RvM: Are you still on skating? I'm tellin youthat Grey's story is two years old.
TEG: I'm sure Brooke Smith is happy for the press.
RvM: Some is better than none. Back on the subject of Weir, since you can’t wait your turn to save your fucking life. I love him, but I don’t think he placed sixth cuz he's a mo. I think PETA hates him, threatened to kill him, and he choked a la Sasha Cohen and effed it up.
TEG: He didnt' eff up. He was one of the few who didn't. Seriously!
RvM: Awwww. Honey, I didn’t watch.
TEG: There were people who fell who did better than him! I"m crying fur-a-fag-a-phobia. Okay, I am done with my soapbox.
RvM: My best gay, Charles Winifred Romaine, was watching, remote in hand, screaming at the screen while I kicked back in the corner with some malt liquor and the latest issue of Elle.
TEG: Do malt liquor and Elle go together?
RvM: No, its like J-Lo and Ben.
TEG: And didn't Charles weep at Pink's Grammy performance?
RvM: Looks pretty but bad idea.
TEG: Hahaha
RvM: On the subject of J-Lo, I know she’s no lesbian icon, but her record label just gave her the shaft and dropped her 3 weeks before her album was due to be released. Said her single fulfilled her contract, it wouldnt be releasing her album and don’t let the door hit your perfectly round latin ass on the way out…
TEG: Aw WHAT? J Lo is not a lesbian icon?
RvM: Is she? I dont know with you ladies.
TEG: She is to me.
RvM: Is she a lesbian icon to you, or just a latin lady youd love to knock boots with at Truck Stop?
TEG: The ass, the Latina, Monster in Law? What's not lez? You got me!
RvM: Well, I thought Gigli killed it.
TEG: Yeah. I skipped it.
RvM: Didn’t wanna ruin the illusion?
TEG: Ben Affleck makes me want to stick pencils in my eardrums.
RvM: I hear thats how Jennifer Garner gets through sex.
TEG: You just made me wheeze. What else darling?
RvM: Was that Jennifer Garner, or your asthma meds?
TEG: Garner. Def. Garner.
RvM: I know, she makes me wheeze too - and I’m gay. Anyhoo. I dunno.
TEG: Oh damn. Julie Benz on DH!
RvM: Don’t you have some random 70s lez reference for me?
TEG: Or was that DP?
RvM: Julie Benz was born in 1974. So she’ll do DP? You’ll forgive me, I dont get it.
TEG: DP? Do you not watch straight porn?
RvM: Ah, double pen…
TEG: Double penetration darling. oh.
RvM: They have that in gay porn too, dear. It just always ends with a lot more shit.
TEG: Lord. It's a good thing my mother cant' figure out how to click on a link.
RvM: Benz was smokin’ on Housewives. Her husky flu voice made her HOT!
TEG: Oh my GOD! So much more fuckable than mealy-mouthed Rita on Dexter. I almost just spoiled that for you too. But I figured I need you to keep my job.
RvM: Dexter's already kinda been spoiled for me. I mean, when they say a character dies. And then a lead from the show turns up on Wisteria Lane. it doesnt take a rocket scientist.
TEG: You are smart for a West Hollywood gay boy.
RvM: I know. Its cuz my blonde is realish, but yes.
TEG: Oh...
RvM: I love watching China Beach and that porn star hook up.
TEG: Yeah. I wish Dana would don her old China Beach cammies and hook up with her. And Benz plays an ex stripper, not a porn star.
RvM: I know dear.
TEG: That's Tiger Woods' mistress whom Gloria Allred is now representing
RvM: She just looks like a porn star. Oh god. I can’t. Alright, girl.
TEG: Neither can I.
RvM: Any Valerie Bertinelli news before we go?
TEG: Not this week. But I did tear up watching Mackenzie Phillips watch Mindy McCready sing about getting clean on Celebrity Rehab.
RvM: Awww. I wont make a joke. That’s rock bottom there…
TEG: Hahaha. Okay, on a high note: The lovely Sarah Paulson starred as Pompeo's mom in flashbacks on Grey's. And unlike Pompeo's Meredith, Paulson's character did not put me to sleep like your Nana Cookie's warm milk and bourbon recipe.
RvM: Awww. Well, thats good to know. Yeah, I don’t watch that show. Frankly, at this point, Murder She Wrote is more eventful for me.
TEG: Or Betty White hosting SNL.
RvM: BTW – PISSED!! They’re claiming she is gonna host with a slew of other women. Fuck that shit!
TEG: But that control freak Loren Michaels won't let her do it alone. I KNOW!
RvM: If she can go ten mins straight at the People’s Choice Awards, I don’t wanna see her share that stage with Kristen Wiig.
TEG: BETTY could write, direct and star in that sad ass show.
RvM: A-to-the-fucking-men!
TEG: Ha
RvM: Alright, lady.
TEG: Thanks for playing
RvM: I gotta go kick some ass.
TEG: No comment.
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