When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week Ross and Tracy take on Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Jessica Simpson. Plus there's the usual leering at Kate Winslet's -- um -- Globes, and plenty of sniping, dirty talk and generally bad behavior.
TEG: Alright girly, let's get to gossiping. I've got a plane to catch.
RvM: I’m shocked your cheap ass sprung for airfare. I honestly pictured you taking a rickshaw to Connecticut-- first stop Mt. Holyoke!
TEG: Huh! I'm insulted. My mom sprung for airfare! And don't talk to me about cheap. I've seen you out at the Abbey on a Sunday night.
RvM: That doesn’t make me cheap -- itmeans I have priorities. And as long as I’m home in time for Desperate Housewives, it’s all good.
TEG: So what can we chat about this week? Kelly Clarkson? Kate's Winslet's rack again?
RvM: Let’sstart with Kelly. I love Kelly big or small, but she's svelte again. I gotta say, I’m a little turned on.
TEG: I'd like to see Kelly and Pink don matching beaters and change a carburetor together while singing about lighting their men on fire.
RvM: Nah, see, now your not being fair. Pink is built like a brick wall with tits of steel. Kelly's looking hot, but come on. That's like saying, ‘you look great’ to Valerie Bertinelli and then making her do a bikini strut next to Beyonce.
TEG: Sorry, but I'd still prefer to see Valerie strut than Beyonce, and Kelly can do no wrong big or small. It'd be hot at any weight.
RvM: Ok, well lets do this: put Kelly in a beater, boxing gloves and high rise jeans and let her beat the shit out of Jessica Simpson
TEG: Bitch! Poor Jessica Simpson. The girl weighs 135 lbs., which is totally fucking normal and the media eviscerates her, meanwhile I'm stuck looking at Jack Black's fat -- leading man -- ass for the past decade.
RvM: Amen. Yeah, Jessica is definitely hotter than Jack Black. I just don’t think the media knew what to do because it clearly wasnt a pregnancy bump. She had meaty arms. And she walked out the door one day looking like Daisy Duke and came back in looking like Serial Mom
TEG: Hey, I'm just sayin' I like a girl who's big enough to lift me up and toss me around. So, if she's packing a little extra -- and by packing I mean what ever you think I mean -- that's all the better for me.
RvM: Yeah, shes packing extra. you ever taken a close look at those NewlyWeds episodes? I guarantee you Nick Lachey wasnt always the top.
TEG: I can tell by the camel toe in those high rise jeans!
RvM: NO SHIT. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? Feel like chatting about this Bonnie and Clyde remake?
TEG: Stop yelling at me, you uptight bitch.
RvM: Sorry, I just realized I put on my maid's Ginch Gonch this morning. good lord. gave that woman a bag of the shit and now she gets it confused with mine on whites day.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
TEG: Ewwww. That's no excuse. I'm wearing my Ginch Gonch today too. They're my version of Spanx.
RvM: I’m sure. but thats because your Ginch’s come with support hoes and underwires.
TEG: And I don't know if I can talk about a Bonnie and Clyde remake. It might require a crash cart and smelling salts.
TEG: Ae you callin me a hoe?
RvM: paranoid much? I just love what Faye Dunaway said about hearing Lizzie McGuire got her role:"couldnt they find a real actress?"
TEG: You mean horse teeth Duff?
RvM: I’m like, ‘no, Charlize Theron turned them down, and so they went with Ali Lohan. She was busy doing a Metamucil ad so they called Hilary.’
TEG: Well, I suppose Hilary will be okay. Rather than an arthouse masterpiece Bonnie and Clyde will be come an old-timey gangster version of High School Musical with Daniela Sea -- I mean Zac Efron-- in the Beatty role....
TEG: Amanda Bynes in the Estelle Parsons role and Joe Jonas in the Gene Hackman part.
TEG: Faye will beat herself with a wire hanger
RvM: Its kevin zegers... the hottie from TransAmerica. At least its not Rumer Willis.
TEG: I thought Rumer looked rather elegant at the Globes, despite the unfortunate chin. But how sad is that when you have to get your mom to help "pull" for you?
RvM: How sad is it when you have to share the stage with a woman who is 27 years older than you and looks like the woman you take pilates FROM.
TEG: Okay, so maybe folks aren't the Award Show Queens that I am but I have to talk SAGs for a sec and I'm not talking about what happens when you take your Ginch Gonch off.
RvM: or what happens when you put yours on. You wear mens undies… imagine!
TEG: Thanks for sending me that pic of Winslet and Cruz tounging on the red carpet, I nearly went apoplectic.
TEG: I had to stop drinking for a sec.
RvM: which sent me on a wild goose chase for photos of women you love to wax poetic over after 6 martinis and a no doze…
RvM: that pic of Zeta-Jones nestled so comfortably in Latifah's pouch was particularly moving.
TEG: I know... Catherine Zeta settling in on Latifah's hoots for a long winter's nap... Jinx...you owe me a coke!
RvM: I dont do coke, you pig, you rude little pig.
TEG: I love it! Just call me Ireland Baldwin, who, btw, looked like she was daddy Alec's date to the SAGs. They need to lock her to a radiator until she's old enough to go to a Seven Sister and become a lesbian.
RvM: I know. I was like, ‘thats what 13 looks like?!’ if Basinger was smart she'd lock her in the basement until 2012. unfortunately, kim will probably drive off a cliff in ‘09, so she might die down there.
TEG: That's only foyour years from now dumbass. She’ll still be jailbait.
RvM: yes, but remember that Olsen twins countdown? give the ladies something to think about
TEG: This is a slipperly slope...moving on. Monster was on last night. Is it wrong that Charlize with prosthetics and greasy hair rollerskating to Don't Stop Believin' makes me a little hot?
RvM: its because you know whats underneath. sort of the same reason I was warm during the first 45 of Ben Button. trust me, it wasnt that elven creature.
TEG: 45? How about the first two hours and 45 minutes of that long ass movie. Even my mom said it took FOREVER for Brad to get hot.
RvM: well hon, you mom is 70. anything without an internission and disposable undergarmets is long.
TEG: oooh, MaryLou, Who is going to kick your ass. My mom is like Catherine Deneuve 70. And when she's 90 and your hair's falling out and your desperately clinging to the pecs of a 27-year-old, she'll still look better than you.
RvM: a-fucking-men. please, I’m about 6 months from needing a colostomy bag
TEG: I told you to lay off the Allia, Wynona Jr.
RvM: hey, it aint working for her. she's still the size of the other two Judd’s combined.
TEG: No more fat jokes. You sexist, ageist homo.
RvM: I’m not sexist or ageist. I’m sexy and young. or so my photo-shopped facebook profile would lead you to believe…
TEG: Until they fuck up your Proactive deliviery.
RvM: I HATE YOU YOU PIG
RvM: YOU RUDE
RvM: DRUNK
RvM: SKANK
RvM: FROM HOLYOOOOOOOOOOOOKS
RvM: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
RvM: I HATE YOU
RvM: YOU PIG
RvM: GO AWAY NOW
RvM: GO NOW
RvM: NOW
RvM: NOW
RvM: NOW
TEG: Did I hit a nerve?
RvM: I pay $39.99 every two months in two installments to look even moderatly decent. and its 25 years before I qualify for reduced shipping for the Susan Lucci skin care line. so I have to be patient.
TEG: I can't take you. I'm going to start prepping for my flight home to Connecticut early by downing a valium, with a Sleepytime, Melatonin and Cointreau chaser.
RvM: or as you like to call it, a late lunch.
