SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by not-so-popular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
This week Ross pulls himself out of a pretend bender following the news that Sandra Bullock was cuckolded by her philandering jack-ass husband Jesse James. And Betty White is pissed! Meanwhile, a delusional Tracy is hoping Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes split amicably over mutual gayness. Plus, Cydni Lauper calls Donald Trump "fat" on national television, Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning finally lez out in The Runaways, Nurse Jackie brings on the Oxycontin, The Dinah, and much more pointless crap...
TEG: I know we both had minor crises, me with a crashed server and you not knowing what to wear to see Taylor Dayne on Friday, but do you have time to play with me?
RvM: Ish. I’ll play ish. LOL
TEG: Okay.
RvM: Can’t guarantee I’m much fun today. You know - folks chaining themselves to the White House puts a somber mood on things.
TEG: Well, Dan Choi crashed my server!
RvM: I know. But his chaining himself to the fence is not like when you chained yourself to Dolly Parton's beemer in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot til she agreed to dedicate “Jolene” to you.
TEG: Yes. But it was never about "Jolene." It was always about just chaining myself to something of Dolly's!But be honest Ross. I know you are bummed about Lt. Dan Choi getting his ass hauled to jail for fighting for our rights but I know you're really crying into your milk and bourbon over Bullock's heartache.
RvM: Well, I’m mostly just pissed that this probably means we wont see her starring in another movie for a long while. And that fucker Jesse James better run - Betty White is pissed.
TEG: So true. Betty White will "change him from a rooster to a hen with one shot!"
RvM: Had to take it back to Dolly in Nine to Five.
TEG: Sorry.But I am pissed too. That bastard sat there crying over Sandy's Oscar speech.
TEG: Likely out of guilt for banging a skank who goes by the name "Michelle Bombshell McGee."
RvM: What the hell does that name even mean? I mean Sandy stood by him when his fucking dog went missing. She wins an Oscar and he runs out and bangs some hooker.
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TEG: Well, he was banging her before then and I don't think she was a hooker. She was just a slut since she didn't get paid for it until she coughed up her sordid tale to In Touch, a publication that makes the Enquirer look Pulitzer prize winning.Oh wait. The Enquirer is nominated for a Pulitzer.
RvM: I know. And kudos to them for that. So whats this shit I hear about Cyndi Lauper being urged to phone Rosie to raise money for Donald Trump's charity?
TEG: As I was flipping between Celeb Apprentice, Criminal Minds, aBig Love I'd already seen and VH1's Tool Academy, I saw Lauper was phoning Big Rosie to fork over money for a charity burger.Something you wouldn't think would be difficult since Ro is good to charity and appears to enjoy food... But she declined to help her pal Cyndi out. Cyn said it's cuz Trump called Ro fat on national telelvision and that Trump is no thin man himself.
RvM: Yeah, well. Those two need to spend a weekend together at a sweat lodge, duke it out. Kirstie Alley can referee.
TEG: Ah Kirstie.We always go back to her too. She got a little feisty with Meredith Viera when Meredith suggested the weight loss supplement she's hawking is run by Scientology.So.... I feel sorry for Bullock.But... now that's two best actress winners in a row who are suddenly single. I'm personally hoping Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes were beards who had a baby but...
RvM: Kate really has a soft spot in her heart for busty, curvy editors with a film school background and a hankering for anything 40 proof?
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TEG: Aw. You know how to make a girl feel good.Yep. They took the Revolutionary Road.
TEG: Bad pun I know, so what else?
RvM: There’s gotta be something dykey and juicy – don’t hold back on me!
TEG: Did you get drunk on Guinness while gaying out to Marha Plimpton on the Good Wife?
RvM: No... I was nursing my achy thighs after that fucking squats and ass class I took at Equinox. Which, btw, is where I often see my new BFF, Renee Zoogooolawga.
TEG: Name dropper. I have to go to the rat hole LA Fitness across the street where some vicious bitch tried to steal my spinning bike out from under me. Luckily I'd made a shank out of my worktime toothbrush and she backed off. I saw Renee Zagatawaller in the lobby.
RvM: Awww, have you been having prison yard fantasies ever since Beyonce bailed her prison bitch Gaga out of jail in their new vid…
TEG: Ha. So true! I'm kind of hoping for a sequel in which Gaga and Beyonce settle down in the Connecticut suburbs and dream of moving to Paris only to have their dreams crushed by suburban ennui.Oh wait. That was Revolutionary Road again.
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RvM: Yeah, honey, I support your horny Americana fantasies as much as the next person, but your brain's in a rut. We gotta get you moving. Something new. Something different. Maybe you can have legal fantasies. Where Archie Penjabi pulls a gun on you and forces you and Julianna Margulies to do dirty things on the stand.
TEG: I'll go with that one. I love her although her publicist denied me an interview. I think she could smell stalker through the email.
RvM: Really?
TEG: Archie's I mean.
RvM: You got the shaft? So sad.
TEG: Not the good one. So we are in a Dinah countdown.
RvM: Yeah, I know. Nine days and counting til Jill Bennett does the Jell-o luge.
TEG: Oooooh. I would pay for that. Fuck Ke$ha.Jell-o Luge in the SheWired Lounge. We are livestreaming that shit!
RvM: Meredith Baxter judging Michelle Wolff and Cathy Debuono at the Saddle Ranch bull toss…
TEG: Kathy Najimy hosting the tofu-pop eating contest starring Natasha Lyonne.
RvM: Is Lyonne going?
TEG: I doubt it.
RvM: I havent seen Tracks in years.
TEG: I just saw her Will and Grace ep, which is why she's on the brain. Fine then...Clea Duvall!Moving on...I told you I saw Alice in Wonderland. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzxgjkdsjf;jskldcighdjshjds;klds;kdsl;zzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz.
RvM: Yeah. Burton's lost his edge. Haven’t liked a damn thing he's done since Ed Wood. Oh, Sleepy Hollow was ok.
TEG: I'd have preferred six hours of Bonham Carter in her Room With a View corset.
RvM: But five head kinda ruined it for me. Honey, you’d have preferred five hours with Helena Bonham Carter and her corset in your room.
TEG: Five head?
RvM: Ricci, Xtina.
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TEG: Aw.
RvM: Otherwise known as Selby.
TEG: Seeeeeeeeelllby!Poor Selby.Well, I think the last Burton I liked was Depp in bondage gear wooing a very stacked Winona Ryder. Otherwise known as Edward Scissorhands.
RvM: Awww, I like that movie. Kathy Baker as a repressed slut.
TEG: Diana Wiest as the everymom Avon lady. So. I'm popping the corn, the Oxy and the beer chaser and getting ready for the return of Nurse Jackie!
RvM: Awww, I know you love that show. She's brilliant. I need to come borrow your showtime. I’m too cheap to get it.
TEG: Please. Walk on over in your Pajama Jeans and have some manchengo cheese and rot gut red wine with me.
RvM: Awwwww, I’d love to, but tonight I’m heading over to Los Feliz to hear jazz and drink scotch.
TEG: Did you just join the cast of Mad Men?
RvM: Hey, if Jon Hamm wants to hit this, far be it from me...
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TEG: I don't know how juicy it is since she has the personality of a rice cake but Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett in The Runaways....is out. That's pretty lez.
RvM: Ah, I know. That’ll make $4 and change.
TEG: You don't think KStew fan grrrrls will flock to see her pretend grope underaged Dakota Fanning?
RvM: The same fan girls who flocked to see Ellen Page don a helmet and face off against Juliette Lewis, Drew Barrymore and Marcia Gay Harden. That film made $10 million. I give runaways $8 mil.
TEG: Yes. All three of them and me.
RvM: Ok girl, I gotta go. Editing an interview with Michael Feinstein in which he calls Kevin Spacey a closeted queer and the former editor of the Advocate a bitch. Just to cover my ass, he does not say bitch, its just implied.
TEG: I love it. Michael Fienstein. Now that's old-timey gay.
RvM: I know. I reached for my thong with that one.
TEG: The lamay one I hope.
RvM: Sheer with ruffles!
TEG: Well, I'm off to the gym to firm up before scaring girls with my thong poolside at the Dinah.I'll see you in two weeks once I feel I've worked out enough.
RvM: You lie, well be doing Gossip Girl next week - me up here, pale and overworked.
TEG: I'll be on the treadmill.
RvM: You poolside with Jill, her double d's and a shot of Cuervo.
TEG: I hope Jill doesn't read our column.
RvM: Pls - like she’d care.
TEG: Ah... no worries. Nobody does except our one fan.
RvM: I say nothing but nice things about her and her glorious rack. What's her name? Our fan?
TEG: Nilshaira.
RvM: Hey girl. We love you. COMMENT, DAMNIT!
TEG: I hope she's got a big Twitter following so she can help a couple of yentas out.We do LOVE you.
RvM: Speak for yourself. I ain’t no yenta, you whore.
TEG: Yeah. Neither am I.Pshaw!
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