For those of you haven't seen it yet, here's a breakdown of Rihanna's foray into lesbian video from SheWired's newest contributor!
Rihanna's new video is literally too hot for television. At least it is in the U.S., anyway. Luckily, Europeans aren't so prude, and computers can cross oceans in seconds.
The new video pairs the hip-hop/rock artist with French supermodel Laetitia Casta. And no, I won't make that pun about her name. It's too obvious.
Since it's softball season, I might as well give you the "play by play" of the video. That's something lesbians should be able to understand.
1. Rihanna poses in lingerie inside of a castle as if she's the star in a Victoria's Secret fashion shoot.
2. Casta arrives at the castle dressed as a femme fatale.
3. Both women roll around. The floor. The walls. The panels. There is just a lot of rolling. And writhing. So if you get motion sick, close your eyes for 20 seconds, and you'll be fine.
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4. Suddenly, the women appear as if they will engage in hot, passionate lovemaking.
But wait! Suddenly, the video is a couture fashion show. And Rihanna is in a field playing with her flowing gown as Casta gives deadly looks of desire. (Or maybe, she gives those looks, wondering why Rihanna chooses to play with a dress instead of her. But maybe that's the gay in me talking.)
5. The scene cuts to a huge gathering which might be a book club meeting, but I assume it is supposed to be a group of orgy-indulged, sex fiends. Rihanna wears a really big fur hat. I am confused.
6. Dance sequence. Well, that explains the large group of people.
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7. Casta stretches across a bed in a fetish contraption. Silly United States for banning such a fine exhibit of flexibility.
8. The women never actually kiss, and I am a slightly angry lesbian.
If you can ignore the slightly annoying lyrics, this is definitely a video worth watching. Throughout the chorus, Rihanna says, "Te amo...don't it mean I love you?" about a dozen times. I wanted to yell at my computer, "Yes, I know that's what it means," but that kind of behavior isn't encouraged in an office environment.
For the most part, this video will make you thank your lesbian stars the Internet exists. The U.S. single substituted for "Te Amo" is a much lamer, more cliché "Rockstar 101." In "Rockstar 101," Rihanna dresses like Slash, of Guns N' Roses.
I'll listen to the translation of "Te Amo" a million more times on that note.
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