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Where the Girls Are on TV: Tyra Banks, Laurel Holloman, Jackie Warner

Where the Girls Are on TV: Tyra Banks, Laurel Holloman, Jackie Warner

This week in television, Tyra Banks' talks Genital Reassignment Surgery with Isis, The Cougar is hot but her wet-behind-the-ears suitors aren't. Premiere lesbian celeb trainer Jackie Warner's  kicking asses in Jackie's Gym Takeover. Laurel Holloman 'sits on Jennifer Beals' face,' Stephen Colbert's afraid of 'Arma-GAY-don,' and yes, Lindsay Lohan's still looking for love.

I am slowly learning my lesson on how to stay single, alone and pathetic; set the Tivo to keywords like lesbian, hot ass, dykes and girl kiss then let the results show “no matches found.” Awesome. It definitely wasn’t for the lack of trying, but this week’s television column may need to be changed to “Where the Girls Are on Reality TV…”

The Tyra Show welcomed transgender reality-show contestants. Isis, the first transgender finalist on America’s Next Top Model, appeared on the show and detailed her final surgery that completed her transformation into a woman. Isis looked pretty sexy and then Ty Ty reveals a picture of what Isis looked like as a boy and he looked just like Tyra! I wonder if she knew that.

Tyra was really proud that she had introduced Isis to a Genital Reassignment Surgeon that completed the operation—probably at the cost of the Ty Ty show. But who did Tyra’s surgery? Okay, I’m joking—sort of. Then Tyra asks Isis, “Tell me about the first time you looked in the mirror…you know, really looked in there.”  If Isis was born mentally a female, does that mean Tyra was born mentally slow?

Isis’s doctor was on the show, as well. She actually told the world that Isis had an “accident” after the surgery. In an effort to comfort her, Tyra went into a story about a colonoscopy she had. I was uncomfortable.

Isis’s boyfriend, Desmond, also popped the question on stage to his new vagina-toting gal pal. They seemed to be in love, it was kinda nice. OMG, just now my roommate Steve, pointed at the screen and said, “I just saw that dude at the Coffee Bean the other day!” I guess the surgery didn’t go as well as Isis had hoped.

Which reminds me, I want to give a special shout out to Love and Pride, the first online jeweler to cater to the LGBT community! Woo-hoo!

The season premiere of the sick new reality-show The Cougar aired its dirty laundry on my plasma TV this week. Vivica Fox hosted the snore fest…sorry, but I find her more repulsive than my ex in a bikini. But the 40-year-old cougar Stacey Anderson from Scottsdale, Arizona was hot, hot, hot!

After they introduce the cougar to us, a fully loaded van with prepubescent boneheads pulls up at the house. Look, I’ve got nothing against men per say, but these little boys looked like they didn’t even know how to put a condom on. 

She also has four kids. I hope when I have that many children, I will look half as good as her. Again, a narrow reminder of my solitude and utter aloneness drives me near insanity so I change the channel. Okay, maybe it had something to do with the drunk penises. 

Oxygen’s Pretty Wicked star and self-proclaimed bi-sexual diva Amber Deylon opened up to popwired about her love for gals and what it all means to her, “I don’t feel the need to say hi, my name is Amber, I’m 23, and bisexual… You just don’t do that.” Deylon said. “I don’t want to be defined by my sexuality…I want to be a leader. A voice.”  How about being a loud voice hydroplaning out of my bedroom window? I’ll nail the coffin on your lesbian uncertainty.

AfterEllen recently learned that the 28-year-old contestant LaKisha "Kisha" Hoffman on Season 14 of CBS's The Amazing Race is openly gay. Kisha races on the show with her sis, Jen. She was probably sensing the lack of lesbian storylines on television and wanted to donate her name. Thanks Kisha!

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Bravo’s A-List Awards shared some fun gal-on-gal fun with us. The L Word won for TV’s sexiest moment for Bette and Tina’s cried-it-was-so-hot elevator sex scene. Laurel Holloman took the stage to happily accept and speak some words on behalf of gays everywhere about the crappiness of Prop 8. She also said about the bodacious sex scene, "…I sat on Jennifer's face. I think TV is getting very progressive when you can sit on a girl's face and win an award." Touché. I would do it with no award. In fact, I would offer someone an award to do that for me. Takers?

The A-List Awards host Kathy Griffin came out of the unofficial closet, “What I need to do as an A-Lister is announce that I'm gay. So I am a lesbian. Yes, that's right: I am a lesbian. And, um, I've known since I was seven blah, blah, blah. So, anyway, I think the important thing is for me to be photographed kissing another woman.” Griffin then locked nasties with Aubrey O’Day. Right on! But I felt a little sick afterwards. Just a little.

Speaking of Bravo, Jackie Warner will be back in a new show called Jackie's Gym Takeover. I wonder if there will be actual exercising taking place in this one. I’m just saying, y’all.

Charlize Theron defended us homos and our right to marry once again on “I don’t like living in an elitist world. It bothers me…I came from a country where I lived under apartheid, I don’t know. But this is a form of apartheid and I don’t want to be a part of that. It’s not the reason why I’m not getting married but maybe there is a piece of me. It’s just so cave man. I can’t believe we’re still talking about this.”

Stephen Colbert Rocks! Governor David Paterson's gay marriage legislation in New York was the final straw that pushed Colbert to create his own ad for the National Organization for Marriage. This man is funnier than pork on Passover. Colbert parodied the NOMad on his show The Colbert Report that portrays a Christian value system being rocked, likening itself to a storm on the scary horizon.

The original ad is hysterical. It is truly hard to wrap your head around who thought it up and the actual execution of the commercial itself. And the conversation around the water cooler on the set had to be priceless—I only imagine little talking heads using big words like “terrified,” “Armageddon,” and “How do they even have sex??”

Colbert describes the impending gay marriage laws as "rough winds blowing in from the east, and even rougher winds blowing from the west. Before long, the winds will be blowing each other."

Quick Pick: On the CBS daytime drama, Guiding Light, Natalia runs from Frank and the wedding, professing her love for Olivia. Stay tuned—in 2011 they kiss.

And ending on a happier-than-a-monkeys-ass note, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be Funny or Die in her much talked about faux eHarmony ad where she attempts to save face and eat crow. Lindserloo was not funny. Does that mean she should die? No, but everyone is saying ‘good for her’ and ‘she’s over Sam.’ Seriously? I feel like I am the only one that saw through her trick of “I need Sam to see how strong I am so she will regret dumping me and come running back.” Or perhaps it is because I always look for the negative angle and malicious intent that I am still undeniably single.

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