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No Special Effects: When the Girlfriend Won't Go Down

No Special Effects: When the Girlfriend Won't Go Down

Stand-up comic and Cherry Bomb star Gloria Bigelow always has something witty to say. But when a lesbian friend asks what to do when her girlfriend won't go down on her, Gloria's stumped.

"I need to talk to you!"

New to the city-- my gay mentee called me the other day. I could here the frustration with a tinge of maybe sadness in her voice.

"What's the matter? Did something happen on the train?  You know something is always happening on that train. I rode all the way down to Brooklyn with this guys penis in my face the other day."  I was like, "Damn, does he know all of the rights I've given up to not have a dick in my face?"

A slight chuckle -- but not the usual laughter that I get when I give her, an on-the-spot handcrafted joke.

"No, it wasn't the train."

I went onto the next usual suspect of frustration in the city... work!

"Was it your students? Cause if I have to hear, 'no homo' one more time from one of my kids, I'm going to have to really get 'em and give them a reverse wedgie and pull their pants UP! They'll be the laughing stock of the whole school walking around with their pants at their actual waist!"

A fairly good chuckle... but still my little attempts at humor just weren't doing the trick.

All right dahlin' what's going on? My handcrafted jokes usually work on you. "Que pasa chica?" I asked.  I don't call her chica because she is Latina or speaks Spanish.  It's my nickname for her because she is younger than me, and it helps me in my role of her big gay sister. It's a role I accepted when she moved to New York a few months ago and she needed to have someone around so that she doesn't end up dating, living, and marrying someone within only a week of meeting her!

"Robin and I have been going out for six months now and everything else is going really good. But there is just this one thing; she still won't go..." she said.

"Out anymore. Is that it? She wants to stay inside and cuddle and watch SVU? Girl, I know, it's normal. We often like to do a lot of nesting. But tell her it's spring and that you really want to get out and explore the city."
"No, not out. She won't go down -- you know--she won't go down on me!"


"Hmmm, huh... okay, well, let's see here. Alright, well let's see, hmmm, this seems a bit, well huh. I would have to say, that if I were to speak objectively on it that well, honey --that Sucks!"  Insert the obvious pun -- or not so obvious in this case.

"This is kind of tough chica. Okay, let me think on this for a minute. I think I need a cup of tea!" I started my kettle. This was going to be a more intense conversation that couldn't be dismissed with a casual -- eh, that's dykes and that's how we roll, or a oooh yeah. That's normal at the six month period." Cause from what I know about lezzy's, I'm not sure if it's 'normal or how we actual roll.

"She's not straight, right?"

"No, she's been out since she was like 17."

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Okay, so I couldn't dismiss it as a straight girl who is afraid of the v-jay jay.

" Has she ever been down there on anyone?"

"She didn't do it with her last girlfriend and they were together for over a year."

I thought, "I'm surprise it lasted that long."

"Do you think it's me?" she asked.

"Oh goodness no, honey. I don't think that it's you. If she didn't partake with her last girlfriend and now you, maybe it's just her. Perhaps it's something that she doesn't like to do. There are things that I don't like to do, like the dishes. I simply hate doing the dishes. Everyone has something." As soon as I heard my domestic comparison I knew it didn't quite add up.

"What do you think I should do? Should I break up with her?" she asked.

What can one do when your girl isn't into special effects -- cunnilingus, muff munching, the licking game, going down, carpet munching, taco delight,

With so many names for it, one would think that it's pretty important. But is it? When we think about lesbian sex most of us include the aforementioned in our repertoire, but is it the be all end all? Is the lack of it enough to call the whole thing off?

Her girlfriend is an absolute delight and in many ways, they're a wonderful match.  Other than the girlfriends vaginal aversion they're even compatible sexually. She is able to get where she needs to go when they are... you know going!  An ending may seem a little rash, and someone shouldn't be asked or pressured in to doing something that they simply don't want to do.

I looked at my watch and calculated my travel time, and knew that I had to wrap this conversation. So I asked the one question that I remembered my old therapist asking, "What do you think you should do?" But I asked, not because I already had an answer all picked out for her and I just wanted to hear her say it, I asked because I really didn't have an answer for her.

" I'll have to think about it some more." She said.

That seemed like a good answer to me, and one that I would do as well. Let's face it. Everyone is not into everything.  I heard about a friend's lover once who only wanted her breast touched on Tuesdays and only if it was raining, so what can you do. I think the actual question may be more about what it is that you need and want and not so much about what it is that she won't do.

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