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The Three Top Un-Datable Dyke Types

The Three Top Un-Datable Dyke Types

Stand-up comic and Cherry Bomb co-host Gloria Bigelow helps SheWired readers identify the top undatable dyke types.

I Like Lists. I make lists before shopping. I make lists while sleeping of things I gotta do when I'm awake. I make set lists.  I love a pros and cons list... and sometimes I even make lists of the lists that I need to make. Most of these lists are only important to me and can be found on random torn pieces of paper in the bottom of my purse.

As the year is getting off to a rocky start for a lot of my close friends (I've lived through more horrible recounts of dates in the past two weeks than I should have to), in an attempt to save you from a wasted evening with an updatable dyke I've decided to compile a short list of the Three Top Undatable Dyke Types.  Now, I'm sure one or two of these types may sound familiar to you... if they don't it's probably because you're one of them. There are plenty more undatable -- but this is a start.

Dyke #1- Playa Please

You know her. She's across a crowded club -- or in one of the few remaining gay bookstores we have left in the country -- and she's there with her cute haircut, leather band on her wrist and an "Enter at Your Own Risk" smirk. Notice ladies, she's smirking and not smiling -- cause she's got something to hide -- and that something is usually someone or multiple someone's -- so just save yourself the heartache and the credit card debt.  If you sense she is a player, walk away-actually RUN! Find those old sneakers, put them on and run -- in the other direction-and leave her to eat your dust- and let that be the only thing of you that she eats!!

Dyke #2- Woe is She

Your date starts off okay. You decide to split the hummus platter and you each settle on a salad, yours with tuna, hers with salmon cause you both appreciate the importance of fish oil to keeping that healthy glow.  As the salad arrives your date begins its downward spiral into an abyss so deep a miner from West Virginia couldn't dig you out of it.  She begins, " I use to this, but now I can't." "She broke my heart and emptied out my bank account." "I'm still healing from my last three relationships" " I don't know why they always leave me."  

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Chances are, you've figured out why they always leave her, even if she hasn't.  I know...I know we are a nurturing people and we'd love to fix her but we can't.  We can only fix ourselves and fix our shoes in the other direction. Don't dig your stiletto in and stick around to see what ails her next. Turn on those heals and pull a Caster Semenya!

Dyke #3 "Excuse me I gotta get this Miss"

You're standing in line at Urth Cafe and while you've decided what you're having -- calculated the Weight Watchers' points and realized that you still have a couple of flex points for dessert -- she's manning her three  Blackberries. She's got one to her ear, one in her hand and one in those awful little holsters on her hip.  She'll spend more time fingering that little pearl on her phone than you, I promise. If she can't put it down... she won't "put it down." You'll wake up to a "fuck" in the morning and it won't be the good kind, it will be because something urgent has happened on one of her three forms of communication that she has lying next to you in bed.  

Save yourself the embarrassment of sitting across from someone who's going to ignore you at dinner and for the rest of your relationship. Ask her to Google technology addicts on her phone, and while she's doing it, put on some ballet shoes, give attitude, and excuse yourself and leave. Chances are it'll take her 10 minutes to even notice that you're gone.

So now that we have a list to know what to look out for it might be a good time to make a list of what to look for, and even if the list ends up in the bottom of your purse or your messenger bag, when she shows up, you'll recognize her.



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Gloria Bigelow