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A few weeks ago we ran a video from a lesbian binational couple pleading for parity in the U.S. marriage / immigration laws. That post prompted another couple suffering from the heartbreak of separation and never knowing when or if they can be fully together to send us their story. Thanks to Anne and Tammy for sharing their story.
Laws. Laws are what make people behave (supposedly) in a good way, what make them what we call good citizens of a country. They rule our lives and most of the time we do not think about them, they are just what they are and we have learned to live with them.
But sometimes, laws are what can make our life very difficult.
This is the story I would like to tell. The story of two people loving each other, who have plans for a future they want to spend together. They are happy together, but there is a problem in the relationship. The law.
One of these people had the fortune or misfortune to be a non-American citizen, whereas the other partner is. What is the problem with laws then? People from two different countries get together and get married all the time right?
Well, yes, but homosexual bi-national couples do not. Why? Because the laws say so.
When same sex partners are in a relationship, the foreigner cannot be sponsored or given the right to be recognized as a spouse. Some of these people make the decision to become illegal "residents' of the country so they can be with their loved ones. Others try to do things the right way by respecting their length of stay and not working illegally. In the end, the foreigner who respects the law has to go home, leaving the person loved
behind.
This is what my girlfriend and I have been living for the past six years. Never knowing when and if we would see each other again, not because we were not sure of our feelings, but because of immigration laws.
I am a well-educated French woman who has diplomas, who speaks English fluently and who would love nothing more than to be part of the United States of America, not just because I love one of your own, but because this is a country I have always been attracted to, ever since I was little. I used to believe in the American Dream. After six years, this has become the American nightmare for us as a couple.
For the past six years, my girlfriend and I have spent the equivalent of about one year and a half together. Every time I come to the United States I have to leave after 90 days on the territory, so I have been living my life between two different countries. Because of this I cannot have the life I wish I had.
I cannot be with the person I love and work in her country, and when I am back in France I go back to living with my family and doing uninteresting jobs so I can save money to pay for my next trip. Is it how life is supposed to be? Torn between two countries?
I love my girlfriend with all my heart. We have been through a lot to be together, and it is a commitment emotionally and financially to be with someone living 5,000 miles away.
We keep hoping that the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) will pass in the near future and that DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) will be repealed. It is probably our only chance to build a life together and be happy.
Everyday I look online for job offers, but here again, to obtain a work visa is not an easy thing because of immigration laws. I know that I am qualified to work in the United States, but I am not given the chance to prove myself.
Sometimes we think we are crazy to continue this relationship because we do not know what our future will be. But as we say in France, "The heart has reasons that reason cannot know." We are just two normal people, and like many others in our situation, we just want to live the life we have been dreaming about.
How long will this kind of situation have to go? Why, simply because we are two women, cannot we be happy just like anyone else? How long will we be able to go on like this without being heart-broken? This is emotionally draining. We are not asking for a lot, just to be able to wake up in each other’s arms every morning and to be a normal family with its share of joy and struggles.
We want to respect the laws and we want the people who make them to respect who we are -- normal human beings.
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(continued)
Our story started in 2005.
I guess we could call it destiny. Tammy was engaged to a man when I met her and I was a single 19-year-old at the time and not looking for anyone. And especially not looking for a woman.
We met on the internet, on a TV show board for a show we both used to watch, her in the United States and I, in France. I have always loved speaking and reading English so it felt natural to me and we did not have any problem communicating with each other. My level of English improved considerably though thanks to Tammy.
On this board we would talk everyday about the TV show and sometimes about more personal matters. Maybe five months after being in contact we started using messenger to talk to each other - our conversations were finally live!
We would spend hours online, literally, talking to each other about our lives, our families, passions and such. The connection was obvious, the attraction present in both our minds, but we never said anything about it for a long time. I knew I was attracted to her. I had seen pictures of Tammy while she had yet to see any of me. And she did not for a long time… I guess I can say I was lacking self-esteem and was scared of what she would think about me once knowing what I looked like.
But we kept talking and talking -- about anything. We just needed to spend time together despite the distance and the time difference... Seven hours.
Every night I would stay up late until 2AM or 3AM, sometimes later than that. Just so I could be with her as possible.
She became my daily dose of happiness. I had never felt that way for anyone before and never have to this day.
In July 2005, I went on a vacation for two weeks up in the mountains. I had no internet. We had never spoken on the phone to each other so I did not have her cell number. For the first time in months I was not in touch with her and it was really hard for both of us.
We knew it would be hard. The day before leaving on vacation I did not want to turn off my computer because it meant I would not hear from her for fifteen days – a terrible thought.
I started to realize then how important Tammy had become for me. My feelings were growing stronger everyday and I needed her in my life. I began to think, “If this is how a junkie feels for his drug, then I had become an addict."
Two weeks later I finally came back home. As you can imagine, the first thing I did was to get on the internet to talk to her, tell her that I had missed her and that I was happy to be back at home. She said she felt the same way.
We resumed our daily discussions, sometimes spending eight hours straight talking together. Or at least, typing to each other...
Months went by and I eventually showed Tammy a picture of myself, anxious behind my computer screen that she would be disappointed. I guess she was not -- lucky me!
Things started to heat up a little between us, desire was obvious and the allusions to intimacy became evident. I was mentally and physically attracted to her. And for the first time in my life I really had to admit that I might be attracted to women. That was a little hard to accept at first. I thought I was not normal, that it was not good, that it was not how things were supposed to be.
One day we finally admitted our love to each other. I cannot help but smile and feel like crying as I write this.
I remember I was about to go to bed and Tammy asked me a question:
"What do you think is going on between us?"
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"I don't know... I think it's love"
I thought my chest was going to explode as my heart was beating so fast. I had never before experienced such strong emotion.
All she said was " I think so too."
For the first time we told each other "I love you."
Needless to say, I did not sleep a lot that night. So many questions were present in my mind.
What was I doing? How could I be in love with someone I had never seen but only in pictures? I had never spoken to her on the phone or on a web cam, I did not even know what she sounded like. I knew I was crazy...
But it felt good!
And here we are, six years later, still in love, wanting nothing more than to be able to commit to each other and get married. Not a day goes by without us wanting to live together and feeling the frustration of being separated with no solution for a future together. I think we can say we have proved our love to each other. Both of our families know about our relationship, accept it and support it.
How much longer are we going to have to wait? Our life together is passing by, year after year. We want to build something together, live in the same house, have a kid -- to have our family, Tammy, her son and me together.
Everyday we see that things are moving slowly concerning gay rights and immigration laws but this is not changing fast enough. We should not have to wait behind our screens for things to change. We should already be living together, just like any other straight couple who do not have to go through what we go through on a daily basis.
The injustice of the situation is really tough on us.
Just like more than 36,000 other bi-national couples we are not asking for much, just the right to be happy together.
The situation is continually stressful when, every time I go to the USA, I never know if I will be let in as Immigration officers do not like me to stay for 90 days in the USA even though I have the right to. Needless to say, every time I visit the USA I do not say a word about being in a relationship with another woman, so as not to raise suspicions of me wanting to stay illegally, which is not the case.
Because Tammy has a son she cannot leave the USA so we can live together in another country. I respect this. It just makes it harder for us to be together.
I hope that laws will change so Tammy and I can finally have the life we want and deserve as well as every other bi-national couple in our situation.
We have to keep fighting so all of us can obtain the same right as any other couple: Be a family!
Anne & Tammy
