10 Lesbian Sex Myths Debunked

There’s some really strange stuff out there about queers and how we fuck. Some of it’s the relic of understanding queer relationships only through the prism of straight ones; some of it’s to do with everyday sexism and our fucked-up rape culture; and some of it’s just because identity is complicated and people don’t think. Sometimes it’s difficult to navigate, especially if you’re newly out and/or don’t have access to queer communities, so here is our rundown of queer sex myths and why they’re bullshit.

(RELATED: 12 Terrible Sexual Encounters We've All Suffered) 

1)      Femmes are always on their backs (especially with butches)

First things first: being butch or femme is not a prerequisite of being queer. Neither is being a stud, a boi, a lady or any other of the numerous other identity groups into which we’re sometimes divided. Femmes don’t always date butches; sometimes femmes date femmes, or butches date butches, or, y’know, people just date other people. All the more reason, then, why you can’t make assumptions about somebody’s sexual preferences based on their gender presentation. There’s somehow the idea that femmes are passive in bed and butches are active, and that’s roundly nonsense. Sure, some are, but by no means all, and the only way you’ll ever know how someone else likes it is by asking them.

2)      Butches don’t do penetrative

Some don’t, sure. Some do. You don’t know unless you ask, by which I mean ‘you don’t know unless this is a person you are close to who is prepared to share their sexuality with you.’ Once again, you can’t assume someone’s sexual proclivities from their personal style and/or gender identity. This idea probably stems from the Stone Butch Blues era where there was less access to medical care or transition and so people who would now identify as trans men identified as butches, and were more likely to avoid penetrative sex for dysphoric reasons. But in this day and age, where there is at least greater access to information about being trans via the Internet, that particular scenario is probably less likely to arise – and even when it does, assuming it’s always the case isn’t going to help anyone.

3)      Scissoring isn’t real

Scissoring is a thing. I’ve done it. Friends have done it. It…doesn’t really work for me? It does work for other people? Like most sexy stuff, some people like it, others don’t, and it is in reality neither the het porn dude HOLY GRAIL or something no queer girl has ever done ever.

4)      Femmes don’t fancy femmes

Yeah, sometimes we do. Next.

(Seriously: see 1. You really cannot tell who somebody will be into based on their hair/clothes/gender presentation. Some femmes are mostly into butches, but then so are some butches. Some people aren’t really bothered. The world is a wide and wonderful place and it totally has room for two or more femme girls to get it on. And not in a terrible het porn way. Short nails, people.)

5)      Women together aren’t rough

Okay, so we've all seen OITNB season 3, so this one might be less prevalent than once it was. But there's been this idea floating around that girls who fuck girls are all gentle and tender and soft-focus in bed, and it’s basically bullshit. Not necessarily  - sure, some people like it slow and soft – but the idea that we can’t throw each other around, scratch the hell out of one another, beat each other up and engage in generally aggressive sex stems from weird misogynistic gender assumptions that have no place in culture at all, particularly not queer culture.

6)      Queer women don’t cruise

There is also this really pernicious myth that lesbians are really only in it for the tea and the cats, and the sex is sort of an optional extra. Well, er, no. Queer girls sometimes have casual sex and one-night stands and hook-ups and group sex. Queer girls pick each other up and take each other home and go out on the pull and use hookup sites. Not all queer girls, because different strokes (hah) for different folks, but particular different folks identifying as lesbians or bi girls does not mean they’re of necessity not into sex for sex’s sake.

7)      Lesbians hate cocks of any kind (even silicone ones)

Again, some might, but by no means all. Some lesbians have them, what with some trans women and intersex people being lesbians and all. There is a whole bunch of really nasty transphobia and cissexism around, so this might be less of a myth than a really shitty experience that some trans queer folk encounter, but it definitely needs dismantling. Further reading here. Yet again, sexual preferences depend on the individuals concerned – some of us like strap-ons and vibrators, some of us prefer using whichever body parts with nerve endings we may have available, some of us mix it up. There are no rules!

8)      Queer women don’t get STDs

It would be nice if that were the case, but alas, queer sex is still sex and carries all the risks of fluid exchange and mucus membrane contact. Some things are less likely to be transmitted through queer sex, but some actually seem to prefer it. There’s good info here and official (if problematic) info here – basically, use protection, get tested, you know the drill.

9)      Same-sex experiences make you queer

Many people’s sexualities are fluid and evolving and change over time. It’s perfectly possible for someone to have had same-sex experiences but identify as straight, or opposite-sex experiences and be gay for that matter. You can’t co-optively assign somebody an identity, no matter how tempting it might be when you watch somebody work their way through your girl friends whilst claiming heterosexuality.

10)   Women can’t rape other women

Bleak note to end on, but this is a horrible truth. Women and other queers can and do rape one another. Coercion, bullying and sexual assault happen across genders. If you’ve experienced rape or abuse in a relationship or out of it, the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs or The Network/La Red (in the US) or Broken Rainbow (in the UK) have specialist LGBT helplines and resources, as do RAINN and Rape Crisis.  

Many thanks to CN, Hel, Abi and Toni for their help with this article.

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