In a world where Christmas has ended and New Year's is long past Lang Syned, our reasons to celebrate have pretty much run dry. But oh wait, ye avid TV views! Don’t put away your holiday cheer just yet, there’s one more celebration! American Horror Story: Coven is back on our televisions with a vengeance, new plot lines, and a weirdly inserted guest appearance.
As you may recall, when we left off Cordelia’s Fuzzy Husband had murdered everyone in Marie Laveau’s hair salon, leading Marie to seek unexpected shelter with Fiona. Over spiked tea (and a dramatic monologue) Marie explains how Fiona’s kindness has touched her soul, and that she’s finally found an equal. Well, a lot has certainly changed over the holiday season! And we’re just getting started.
As Marie sleeps, literally the creepiest dude to ever happen on this show lurks in the darkness to remind Marie that he has come for some dept she made years ago. Creepy Lurking Dude is equally confused about why Marie and Fiona are suddenly bosom buddies and keeps insisting that Marie needs to pay her due. CLD then laughs himself into a scenic transition to Marie in a hospital surrounded by crying babies. Marie magics a nurse into letting her into the nursery. I would not put it above MurphChuck to kill a baby in the first five minutes of the first episode after break, so this may all very uncomfortable. There is, however, a great drumbeat here, which I’m concerned is going to end up being my favorite thing about this episode.
Marie picks up the baby and escapes. She’s quickly surrounded by armed guards demanding the baby. “Momma’s had a hard day,” she explains. When they don’t back down, Marie gives some jarring white-eyed yodeling shriek that somehow causes the guards to kill each other. She then steals off with the baby, lovingly telling it, “Shut Up, or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Cue credits and my quick descent into once again doubting my allegiance to this program.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s, Cordelia announces that she blames herself for Fuzzy Husband’s rampage and Marie decides to fill them in on the backstory about how Fuzzy Husband was a witch hunter she hired to kill the people with whom she’s having tea. This drives Fiona to super-slap her daughter and berate her for “bringing a viper into this sacred house.” To be fair, Cordelia has had it pretty rough lately. Girl went blind, girl has Fiona for a mother, girl accidentally married a guy who wanted to kill her and all her friends for six years. Give her a break. Fiona takes a moment to explain what a witch hunter is for all those who are just tuning in, and that there are many of them that they now must kill. Ta-da! We have our plot for the rest of the season. Or the next ten minutes. One can’t really be sure anymore.
In the next scene, we are all lucky to be graced with Lily Rabe’s radiant appearance. She’s still not having any of Fiona, whom she believes will kill her for being the next Supreme. However, Fiona has something much better (or worse, depending on your tolerance for ratings stunts) in mind. Fiona takes Misty to meet a “White Witch” which is apparently a nice, earthy witch that doesn’t murder people.
From the moment we see a blonde person, we know it is Stevie Nicks and that Misty is going to burst into all of the tears (and fainting). This is a way-hyped cameo we all knew would happen, but it’s incredibly awkward and forced. Madison, Nan, and Zoe enter, discussing that it’s possible Queenie isn’t dead.
But all conversation stops as Stevie Nicks plays “Rhiannon” and they all just stand around and listen.
This is almost more uncomfortable then Creepy Lurking Dude. Madison asks if she can get Eminem to come to the house, but Fiona snarks about how Madison’s not Eminem’s type and anyway as Madison isn’t the next Supreme. So apparently now we invite the Supreme’s celebrities over just because. If I’m Supreme can I meet Amber Heard? Misty and Stevie then twirl around with their special shawls together, and this is officially the strangest show on television.
Madison is still mega-jealous that Misty is Supreme even though it literally got her killed last time. Nan claims her powers are growing and proves that she could really be the next Supreme by nearly raping Madison with a cigarette (it’s not a Coven recap until there’s a truth I regret typing). We next discover that Madison’s heart murmur was cured by her resurrection, and also that Madison thinks she is Jesus and wants to challenge Misty to be the next Supreme.
Fiona, Cordelia, and Marie continue their research of the witch hunters and are lead to Fuzzy Huband’s mysterious father that they didn’t know existed. Turns out, their family used to be carpenters dating back to Salem, and now they specialize in private equity through a company called Delphi Trust in Atlanta. Marie wants to attack immediately, but Fiona has a plan that involves the witch hunters crawling and begging for mercy. Fiona does not want Cordelia involved in any of this, calling her worthless and hopeless. Marie and Fiona then embark on a spell using mice in a maze, which somehow results in Delphi Trust getting searched by the U.S. Agents. Obviously.
Nan goes to visit Luke at the hospital, and I am suddenly furious to remember Luke was murdered by Patti Lupone in the last episode.
This impending Nan vs. Patti Lupone faceoff is enough to keep me watching this show. At the house, Marie tries to help Fiona with her illness, and Fiona explains that her cancer is getting worse because the new Supreme is getting stronger. Fiona wants Marie to give her immortality like she gave Kathy Bates (whose Delphine, remember, is now just a dismembered head, so that’s going well). Fiona asks how Marie acquired immortality, and now we learn why Creepy Lurking Dude exists (and that his real name is Papa Legba). Turns out Marie sold her soul for immortality when she first came into the prime of her magic and felt invincible. In return for eternal life, Papa Legba would show up once a year for “favors,” and while Marie thought this meant of the sexual variety, it actually turned out to mean that she had to give him her newborn baby.
Whoops, kinda a glaring oversight there, Marie. Weeping, she hands her baby over after her attempt to give back her immortality is rejected. Can’t win ‘em all. Papa Legba still visits once a year, and Marie tells Fiona that if she wants Papa Legba bad enough he’ll lurk in her shadows one day. Fiona smiles. Obviously, in true Fiona fashion, no clear and obvious lesson has been learned.
Madison and Misty enjoy some bonding time as part of a random but enjoyable parade. Madison explains that the Supreme is given everything she wants, but for the price of eventually owing people in return.
This scene did give us the line, “Players only love ya when you’re playin’,” so all is not entirely lost in this episode. Misty, however, won’t heed Madison’s probably selfish warning and still believes Stevie Nicks is awesome. Madison insists she’s just as powerful as Misty and leads her to a coffin to prove it.
Madison then brings the coffin’s occupant to life with one little hand motion. Now having proven that they’re both equally powerful, Madison insists, “I just want to be your friend.” Madison convinces Misty to drop Stevie’s shawl in the now empty casket and reclaim herself as a completely original being. Misty almost complies, but just as she’s about to snap out of it, Madison hits her with a brick and locks her in the coffin that is then buried under ground. Madison, taking the meaning of “friend” a little loosely, dances away with Stevie/Misty’s shawl to the upbeat parade music.
Nan and Zoe go to Luke’s house to extend their condolences, but mostly to find out where Luke’s body is so they can bring him back to life and save the best relationship on this show.
They listen to Joan talk about her memories of Luke for all of two seconds before Nan demands to know where his body is. Surprise! He’s been cremated and all my dreams are crushed. Nan realizes that Joan killed Luke in the hospital and forces her to drink bleach while mentally pushing Zoe into the next room. Not quite the throwdown I was looking for.
In Cordelia’s lab, Myrtle plays the best instrument ever while Cordelia attempts to focus on her plants and presumably also not being viciously rejected by her mother. An entire season of Myrtle playing this instrument may actually have been preferable to what we were given. Cordelia sad-sacks about her situation, but Myrtle convinces her to buck up and perhaps make salad dressing or work on a cruise ship. Side note: I feel we could all benefit from Frances Conroy in our lives. She can do no wrong.
Meanwhile, whatever mouse trick Marie and Fiona did is working because Delphi Trust is in shambles. Grandpa Fuzzy Husband announces that it is time to finally deal with these witches. Shouldn’t be too hard, as they’ve all gone insane and Fiona’s recreational activities now include doing a magic cocaine spell to summon Papa Legba. Legba arrives pretty fast in all his glory (apparently favors range from stealing people’s firstborn children to a line). He demands her soul, and I’d argue Fiona is in a pretty good position here, as she doesn’t seem to have one.
Fiona accepts the terms of potentially crippling her daughter or murdering people she loves and gets ready to accept immortality into her life. He kisses her to seal the deal, but then - plot twist- I’m hella right, and it turns out Fiona literally has no soul and therefore nothing to sell. Axeman shows up again and encourages Fiona to kill the Supreme (been there, done that). Fiona’s decided, however, that since she has no soul she might as well kill everyone.
From her room, Nan hears a baby crying and finds the newborn that Marie stole in a dresser. When Marie threatens Nan, Nan declares that she is in fact the next Supreme, has killed Patti Lupone, and will kill Marie as well. Fiona enters and demands Nan hand the baby back and leave, and Nan for some reason complies.
Marie, we learn, has stolen the baby to sacrifice to Papa Legba because he needs to soul of the innocent. They decide that Nan is innocent enough and drown her (she better not be dead, Ryan Murphy, I am warning you). Papa Legba isn’t having any of this though, and won’t accept the sacrifice. Papa Legba befriends Nan’s, I guess, officially dead ghost and they exit together. Womp womp. But no one stays dead forever here on Coven...
To cap off the night, Stevie Nicks returns to play some piano and sing a song as Fiona toasts her believed success and then weeps on the couch.
At this point, I’m not entirely sure this show actually exists. Next week Madison and Tate go Nancy Drew on Nan’s murder case, Marie is still haunted, and everybody wants to kill each other. Just another day at Miss Robichaux’s!
