Breaking up is never easy. Whether you’re the one initiating it or your partner ends things, inevitably, there will be some hurt feelings on either side.
That’s why some people, rather than facing it head-on, take a less direct approach—one that may feel like the easier route but can actually be quite harmful.
What we’re talking about is the toxic breakup trend known as “quiet dumping.” To better understand where this term comes from, why it can be damaging, and the signs it might be happening to you, PRIDE spoke with Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad; licensed clinical social worker Shanni Liang; and Ed Bell, a dating and relationship coach for gay and bi men. Here’s what they had to say.
What is “quiet dumping,” and where did the term originate?
Does it seem like your partner has suddenly gone quiet? Are they harder to reach, both literally and figuratively? They may be in the process of quiet dumping you. The term is adapted from the work term "quiet quitting," Bell tells PRIDE. “It means quietly withdrawing from a relationship instead of formally ending it, often in the hope the other person will notice and do the emotional labour of ending the connection.”
“It’s a passive way of ending a relationship,” adds Roos. “You stop investing time, energy, and feelings, and let that lead to the relationship tearing apart,” she explains. “It’s something that’s quite cruel to let a partner go through.”
“This form of breakup can cause someone a lot of agony,” Liang tells PRIDE. “The lack of closure leaves a lot of uncertainty and what ifs.”
While the term may be new, Liang adds that the concept is not. “I remember it used to be called a slow fade, like a person is fading away,” she tells PRIDE.
Is it more harmful than other forms of breakups?
While pain is almost always an unavoidable part of ending a relationship, some methods are healthier and more likely to allow the person to gain closure more quickly. When it comes to quiet dumping, it’s partially painful because of the lack of clear signals, which stings even more, says Bell. “It often causes a spike in anxiety for the person being rejected this way: they're more likely to question whether they did something wrong, or should have seen this coming, or whether they deserved to be treated this way,” he explains.
This can be even more detrimental for queer folks, he adds. “LGBTQ+ people are especially sensitive to rejection — because of all the rejection we experience in society as a whole — so quiet dumping can be especially hurtful for us.”
The issue, says Roos, is the uncertainty it creates and the likelihood that the person on the receiving end will feel like they have done something wrong. “Being put in this emotional limbo with all the lack of honesty and insecurity often feels much worse than hearing ‘I want to end this relationship,’” she says.
Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience quiet dumping?
Monkey Business Images/shutterstock
Not only does quiet dumping potentially have a greater impact on LGBTQ+ people, but the experts warn it may be more common in queer relationships as well. “Most LGBTQ+ people have felt invalidated for expressing our true wants and needs, and that can carry over into our close relationships because we can often hide or edit our true feelings out of fear of judgment or rejection,” warns Bell. This extra layer of complication can sometimes make breaking up in a more direct way even more challenging, he explains. “We often struggle to communicate openly even with those we're closest to.”
Also, our tendency toward more nontraditional forms of relationships can make breakups blurry, adds Roos. “Many LGBTQ+ people have a more complex relationship to dating and relationships, mainly from not being the norm, and that makes it easier to escape and let things run out, [rather than have] a difficult conversation.”
What are the signs of being “quiet dumped”?
If you suspect you are being quiet dumped, the experts say there are signs to be on the lookout for:
- They feel absent, and things that once mattered to them no longer seem to.
- They are emotionally cold, distant, and stop engaging the way they used to.
- They are no longer emotionally available.
- They stop talking about future plans because in their mind, the relationship is already over.
- They stop responding to texts.
They stop putting effort into the relationship.
If it happens to you, how can you process and heal from the experience?
You may not be able to prevent someone from quiet dumping you, but what you do have control over is how you handle it and move forward. The first step, Bell says, is to acknowledge and not suppress your feelings. “If you feel hurt, dismissed or disrespected by someone's quiet withdrawal, it's important to notice those feelings and not dismiss them. They're very normal, human feelings from not getting the closure or consideration of a more direct relationship ending,” says Bell.
Next, remember that being broken up with this way says more about who they are than anything about your value, says Roos. “Try not to feel ashamed, and instead let people you trust hear about your experience, and let them know how it made you feel,” she advises. “At the end of the day, never forget to remind yourself that you are worth someone who’s able to be honest with you, and who respects your feelings, and that this person quiet dumping you wasn’t worthy of you anyway!”
Sources cited:
Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad
Shanni Liang, LCSW, PLCC, founder of Therapy with Shanni, based in New York City.
Ed Bell, a dating and relationship coach for gay and bi men
