9 beginner tips for fingering a V from sex experts

1. Get them aroused first

Before you get to the holy land, take your time and get your partner warmed up first. Eventually, you’ll start touching their V, but first you want to get them turned on — and maybe even begging for your fingers.

“Rather than going from zero to ‘fingers,’ think of fingering as something that happens after arousal has already begun building in the body,” Gabrielle Kassel, queer sex educator for DatingAdvice.com, tells PRIDE. “If this is a partner you already have experience with, use what you already know your partner likes (e.g., kissing, nipple stimulation, dirty talk, hand massage, eye gazing, etc.) to build arousal. If this is a new partner, ask them what they like.”

2. Go Slow

Take your time and don’t rush the process. Not only will it be better for your partner, but it will also give you time to explore and learn from their body cues, and you will feel less pressure.

“Use your fingers gently at first and pay close attention to your partner’s responses,” queer relationship therapist and sexologist Dr. Joy Berkheimer tells PRIDE. “Explore different pressures, angles, and speeds, there isn't one right way to finger — everybody is different, so put any egos or fears aside and adjust accordingly — take your time here!”

3. Take care of your hands

Don’t put your grubby hands anywhere near someone’s vulva and vagina until you’ve washed your hands, unless your end goal is giving your partner a yeast infection. And make sure you're thinking about whether or not those long nails are a good idea. “That really cute manicure you got with acrylics may be great for a date night but won't be great for fingering,” says Kai Korpak, an LGBTQ+ sex therapist and the assistant director at Best Therapies.

If you’re wedded to your long nails, consider getting a lesbian manicure or using the tired and true trick of using cotton balls and latex gloves. “If you have longer fingernails, consider putting some latex gloves and cotton balls nearby,” Kessel explains. “Place a bit of cotton beneath your nail before sliding on the glove will help dull any sharp nail edge or hand nail, and thus prevent scratching very sensitive internal tissue.”

4. Communication, communication, communication

Communication is the key to any mind-blowing — and healthy — sexual experience, including fingering. Talking openly about what you both want and what you feel comfortable with will help ensure everyone has a great time. “You can simply ask what feels good, or what doesn’t, and then keep checking in regularly,” Dr. Berkheimer says. “Nothing should feel rushed or uncomfortable.”

5. Lube is your friend

Honestly, there are very few sexual techniques and positions that aren’t made better by adding lube, but this is especially true for fingering. Adding a good lubricant if the person you’re touching isn’t wet enough, or if you’re using toys, or fingering their anus, will make everything feel a million times better.

“If you are going to finger someone's butt make sure you're using even more lube than you think you need and go slow,” Korpak says. “Also remember to not go from the back hole to the front hole, that is a recipe for yeast infections.”

6. Don't just focus on the clit and G-spot

Don’t jump right to touching your partner's clit, you’re going to want to build up to that. Get them as turned on as possible, then start touching everywhere but their clit, before going for gold. Then, while you’re stimulating their clit, add pressure to the G-Spot by making a “come hither” motion with your fingers.

“If you're not sure where to focus on, try the clitoris and/or G-Spot," Dr. Berkheimer explains. "You can even combine stimulation here. Gently tease the clitoris with your fingers or explore the G-spot internally.”

7. Expand your definition of fingering

Fingering can be so much broader that you’ve probably been led to believe and by expanding your definition of the sex act, not only can you have more fun, but people of different genders and with different genitals will feel accepted, sexy, and affirmed.

“The first thing I want folks to remember is that fingering is not only the act of inserting one or more fingers into someone’s vagina or anus,” Kassel says. “Fingering is any use of the fingers for the sake of pleasure and stimulation. This could look like internal or external stimulation stroking, circling, tapping, holding, pressing, or sliding. Expanding this definition not only affirms people of all bodies and genders, it also gives you the freedom to play while you’re actually in the moment.”

8. Don’t be afraid to use toys

It may be called “fingering,” but that doesn’t mean you can't recruit some battery-powered friends. So keep a selection of toys nearby and don’t be afraid to touch your partner with one hand, while your other hand is using a sex toy to bring her even more pleasure.

“And, because fingering is far more than just finger going in holes, remember that ‘fingering’ can include finger-like toys too,” Kassel says. “So, consider pulling out the prostate massager, thrusting vibrator, or G-spot wand, if that’s something you or your partner enjoys.”

9. Touch yourself too

Once you’ve gotten the hand of fingering, try leveling up by touching yourself at the same time. “You can level up by practicing self-love. It takes time to master fingerplay, so be kind to yourself and test you what you like,” Dr. Berkheimer says.

Sources cited:

Gabrielle Kassel, queer sex educator for DatingAdvice.com.

Dr. Joy Berkheimer, a queer relationship therapist and sexologist.

Kai Korpak, an LGBTQ+ sex therapist and the assistant director at Best Therapies.