Why You Don't Have to Worry About Bisexuals Ever "Picking a Side"

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I've noticed that when talking to fellow bisexuals about bisexuality and all that comes with it, the conversation will inevitably head to stereotypes. An especially fun topic is the all too common idea that a bi individual will eventually "pick a side."

When people use this term, they are usually referring to the (incorrect) idea that bisexuals will inevitably later identify as gay or straight. They expect that we will find a long-term partner and our identities will alter according to that person's gender. So, if I end up married to a woman, I'm then a lesbian. If I marry a man, I'm then straight.

I would like to acknowledge that there are people out there who identify as bisexual at one point and then, later on, identify as straight or gay. However, that doesn't so much mean they "picked a side," it simply means something changed along the way. They didn't decide to go to some kind of "default" setting, choosing one side because being in the middle was no longer fun or interesting. It means that they reveluated. No shame in that.

That being said, I would argue that the vast majority of bisexuals are going to remain bisexual regardless of present or future relationships.

Yet this remains something that we cannot convey to other communities. This is still a huge stereotype that follows us around, and it's incredibly problematic. It undermines our identity, making us seem indecisive and naive. It sets up this depiction of bisexuality being silly or flippant or simply a stop on the way to something more valid.

I've been trying for years to find a way to explain it to people. How can we get monosexuals (people who are attracted to only one gender) to understand this and, in turn, better understand us?

Tonight I was out with some friends. As usual, I was the token queer in the group. We got on the topic of relationships and attraction and I brought up how, as a bisexual, the idea of being attracted to just one gender seems unfathomable. It simply does not compute.

This is not to say that I don't understand the idea of being monosexual, it just means that I have a hard time picturing a world in which I myself am only attracted to one gender. That's how my brain works. I am wired to like multiple genders.

These lovely humans around me then explained how in their cases, their brains are wired to like only one gender. That's just how their brains work. To them, the idea of not being monosexual was unfathomable.

It seems like a small thing, right? Some revelation, McKenna. No shit. People are wired differently, and they like who they like. Big deal.

But the revelation came when I applied this idea to the stereotype of bisexuals "picking a side."

See, I am incapable of doing that — of "picking a side." I literally cannot picture that ever happening, because my brain is wired to be attracted to multiple genders.

When it comes to being in a serious, committed relationship, I (and plenty of other bisexuals) can imagine being monogamous, but I cannot imagine simply ceasing to have attraction to people of different genders than my partner. For example, if I married a woman, you can be damn sure I'd still be attracted to Jensen Ackles. If I married a man, you know I'd still be attracted to Kerry Washington.

What it comes down to is this: as a bisexual, my brain has a tremendously difficult time imagining a world in which I am not bisexual; and, while I could never speak for the whole bisexual/pansexual/omnisexual community, I do feel comfortable saying I'm not the only one — not even close. 

So, no, you don't have to worry about us ever "picking a side." It's just not going to happen. Our brains don't work like that.

That'd be like asking me to choose between Beyonce and Laverne Cox. That's a terrible question and I refuse to answer it on account of them both being flawless and that choice being impossible.