When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.comSenior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
It's been a week since Ross and Tracy last saw one another, since she was warming up with shots of Shnapps and old friends in Connecticut and he was kicking it with Vegas hookers and a roomful of lesbians at a Heart concert, so they're a collective mess. This week they wax on about Tamara Braun and All My Children, Grammy winner Alison Krauss, which naturally leads to Dolly Parton. Plus, Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek sandwiches. It all makes sense...sort of.
TEG: Alright, I'm jumping right in. I know may seem like and abrupt start but Alison Krauss just won five Grammys. This shit makes my lesbian heart skip!
RvM: Awww. I figured you'd like that... it's like combining your love of all things Dolly with your love of all things dykey.
TEG: Ohh no...
RvM: I gotta warn you. I got a Dolly update that's gonna make you weep.
TEG: Weep in a good way? Like Dolly's left her husband of 50 years and is shacking up with Shania Twain?
RvM: In a bad way. The guy who's organizing Gay Days Dollywood is throwing in the towel. Apparently, the only gay they want in those Smoky Mountains is Doralee Rhodes.
TEG: Damned Pigeon Forge homophobes. Don't they know that the thousands of rich homos pouring money into the local chicken and biscuits stand could float their economy through this depression-- I mean recession?
RvM: Well, maybe you're at the chicken and biscuits stand, but the gays are out back tapping the keg and seeing if they can drain it and fill it with Mojitos.
TEG: Or is it that the gays are trying to motorboat Dolly as much as the locals?
RvM: I don't think Dolly would let us motorboat her. First off, do those things move? Secondly, something tells me a 6'7", 270 pound bouncer named Jeb would be all over my ass faster than Dolly went down on the locals to get the hell out of dodge way back when.
TEG: Of course they move. That is all Dolly! Real moves baby. Not that you'd know LA boy. And btw...someone just said Dolly Parton and 10,000 Maniacs in the same breath. I think I might need to be alone in my car for 10.
RvM: Oh lord. Roll up the windows please. If I have to hear Merchant meow one more time, I'm gonna toss my chocolate chip scone.
TEG: Okay... moving on. I've still thawing out from the Connecticut tundra and I'm a little behind on the gossip.
RvM: Well, you know Rianca (that's soap speak) is getting married on Friday on AMC. Apparently, according to your girl Tamara, there's gonna be lots of girl on girl.
TEG: Do I know? Um Yeah. Because the Braun has agreed to speak to me again because I give such good interview and phone voice.
RvM: Yeah, I know. I've never seen you like that after an interview... LADIES READING THIS COLUMN, NOTE. After Tracy hung up with Tamara Braun, she reached for a glass of iced tea and a fan and was inconsolable for hours.
TEG: And I had to apply ice cubes to my pressure points. That girl is HAWT!
RvM: Yes, she is... well, I can't spoil anything, but it's a soap, so prepare for fireworks.
TEG: Hmmm. As long as they don't go all Grey's Anatomy / Nip / Tuck kick the Lesbos to the curb and suddenly they love the peen, I'll be okay.
RvM: Yeah, I don't think they're gonna do that. They know how mad you ladies get, and I don't think Susan Lucci could handle 750 angry lesbians storming the gates of ABC and asking for the head writer's head on a platter.
TEG: Susan would whip one out to stop the stampede!
RvM: My Looch is a classy dame. How dare you cheapen her like that. Lucci might show up to the set of her fictional talk show wearing a nighty and heels, but she would never "WHIP ONE OUT" on national television. She's not Tila Tequila, for fuck's sake
TEG: Ah, Tila. Did I tell you I got caught up in that Double Shot of HPV shit for a few weeks? I couldn't help myself.
RvM: Did you? I love that you have the Ikki Twins, and my "pathetic" ass watched 6 episodes of Rock of Love. I couldn't help it. I feel like I grew up with the cast -- you prob did too, with that stint you did in Jersey, which leads me to ask --did you ever have feathered bangs and a blowdryer?
TEG: Take a look over the cubicle bitch. I still do.
RvM: I just got some odd picture of you on stage at something called the Bike shop doing a mean cover of "Pour Some Sugar" in your deconstructed jeans, Lycra halter and a Poison shirt yanked down low.
TEG: FUCK YOU! Oh please, like you didn't skip around San Diego sporting a Paula Abdul half shirt and playing out the "Forever Your Girl" video ad nauseum.
RvM: My song was cold hearted snake and FUCK YOU TOO. I can speak your language. Come over here. I just found a pic of Penelope holding Kate Winslet's purse while she bends down to roll up her nylons?
TEG: She wasn't rolling up her hose, she was entertaining Penny her with her curves.
RvM: Penny was entertaining Kate with her breasts... until 4 am. Is that what you wanna think about? Huh? DIRTY GIRL! You should be ashamed. I know Kate's saucy, but your gonna miss your chance with her if you don't dial it down, dame!
TEG: They're at all these Awards Shows together. Do you think they are becoming gal pals? Is there a chance that Salma and Penny might make Kate the British filling in a Latina sandwich?
RvM: Oh god. I hope not. Because if that were to happen, you'd be inconsolable...again. We'd have to install a shower in the office.
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(continued)
TEG: It's sick! I need to get off my couch and meet some real girls.
RvM: You've been off your couch. I'm watching those fitness videos... lookin' good girl. Though I gotta say. Making you run Runyon was hot, but I miss you in the sports bra doing punches in the pool. That was very Girlfight.
TEG: Yeah, except I'm not nearly as queer as M-Rod -- Rodriguez. And thanks for the kudos. My bras are getting loose and my mother didn't hesitate to let me know when I was home last week.
RvM: I know... I finally watched something with her in it. not a bad actress. a bit rough. I might roll up the windows and lock the doors if she ever approached my car.
RvM: Nice news on the loose bras... though I have no clue why you continually let Mary Lou poke around in your blouse.
TEG: Yeah, my bras are loose, my roots are dark and my jeans are too tattered according to my mom Mary Lou Who. It's fun going home.
RvM: Awww, well my mom is always telling me I'm too skinny. until the trip home when she stopped. that was a rough day. I went home, took a Dexatrim and went on a prune binge.
TEG: Oh Lord. I'm glad we weren't in the same cubicle then.
RvM: Lady, don't be making people think we share space. I have a wall between us and a lounge in my cube... you just have stacks of lesbian self help books, like how to incorporate cats into a new relationship and what to do when the sex dries up. going into your cube is depressing.
TEG: As depressing as a Susan Lucci dress up doll and a case of Proactiv? Just asking.
RvM: You came after the Looch twice in one column? OH THAT DOES IT.
RvM: AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
RvM: I HATE YOU
RvM: GO AWAY
RvM: GO BACK TO HARTFORD AND DRINK ANOTHER MAI TAI YOU BITCH.
TEG: Mai Tai? It was nine fucking degrees. I was drinking tequila and Mexican coffee under a duvet with my mother's cat at my feet like a hot water bottle.
RvM: That picture just made me reach for a Paxil. So how was the homestead? Calmer than my weekend in Vegas?
TEG: I don't know. I didn't wag my ass in front of a pair of Vegas Elisabeth Shues.
RvM: Yeah, the photo shoot with the hookers was a new low. but I gotta say. considering I spent two hours singing along with Ann and Nancy and 750 lesbians at a Heart concert, it was a balanced journey.
TEG: Yeah. Heart-loving lesbians. I hope you wore your fringed leather coat and flipped your Charlize Theron Monster hair around.
RvM: I didn't, but the woman next to me -- Suezette -- wore something strikingly similar. I made a beeline from the concert to a nearby sushi place for tuna rolls and sake -- and was served by a wine hostess named, wait for it... Yukiko Finkenthal. What the hell? I couldn't stand it.
TEG: That's akin to Amy Poehler in Hamlet 2. Cricket Feldstein. And is that like Crepe Suezette?
RvM: Sort of, except this lady was less carmelized sugar and more pork and beans. I never did ask Yukiko how she became a Finkenthal, but I imagine I'd have loved the tale. But yes, listening to Ann Wilson sing The Who's "Rain on Me" was a lifetime high.
TEG: I hope Fergie turned up to do a one-handed cartwheel and wound up crowd surfing face down on your head.
RvM: She was not there, but that Nancy does a mean high kick. Ann just sort of stomps around in her Skechers, but the woman can wail. Holy hell.
TEG: Ann and a thousand Lesbos in their Skechers. They're the Manohlos of lesbian footwear you know.
RvM: I thought that was Crocs... oh well, it was raining, so I guess even a lesbian needs options.
TEG: Crocs are the new Birkenstock. Oh well. Look, I know you missed me but I'm going through menopause while we wax on. I think I might actually have some work to catch up on...or at the very least, a new pic of Winslet to wax horny over.
RvM: You think winslet's hot. get a load of this!
TEG: I don't know how to respond except that I'm having a hankering for potato skins and white zinfandel at the Regal Beagle.
RvM: And I'm having a hankering to take a pee. Bon voyage.
TEG: Okay ciao bella.
