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Stop Asking Permission To Love Yourself

Stop Asking Permission To Love Yourself

Life is the biggest lottery in the universe, and you've won it. 

DMArtavia

Every relationship comes with baggage, even the one with yourself. Whether it has to do with one’s past, present, family, career, or mental health, the emotional trials are always the same. But when we allow ourselves to see that a person is worth the trial, all challenges tend to disappear. 

I know what it’s like to judge love by its cover. To quote Marianne Williamson, many of us view new relationships like a picture frame. When we meet a new person we’re digging, most are likely to focus on building the frame rather than the image inside it. We spend so much time trying to make the frame as presentable as possible that its value is no longer defined by us, but the world at large.   

We often ask ourselves before entering new relationships: Are we a good fit? Will my friends like them? Are they everything Cosmopolitan says defines a good mate? And most importantly, will they look good on my Instagram feed? In other words, we make it completely artificial. We’ve spent hours swiping left or right on faces that we’re using the same etiquette in real life. Welcome to living in 2018.

I don’t mean to sound cynical (well maybe I do), but the truth is we live in a world conditioning us to judge our feelings before testing them out. Before we know it, everything about us becomes questionable: Am I genuinely me, or am I a construct of what I want the world to think of me? 

If you’ve asked yourself this question, believe me you’re not alone. According to a 2015 Pew Research poll, Millennials (ages 20 to 36) were more likely to see themselves in a more critical light compared to Generation Xers (37 to 52), Baby Boomers (53 to 71) and Silents (72 to 89). In fact, 59 percent say the term “self-absorbed” describes their generation, compared with 30 percent among Generation Xers.

As a Millennial myself I’m not about to diss my own generation, but if you think about it, we are the ones who invented the words “trending,” “viral,” and “selfie.” As a magazine editor, these words come out of my mouth on a daily basis, though they have nothing to do with my own opinion but rather the value I place in likes, shares, and retweets. We might be beginning to base our everyday behaviors on these concepts. 

Why is there pressure to ask permission to love not only ourselves, but the people we’re choosing to be with? It’s time to stop focusing on building the frame and start paying attention to the picture we’re crafting. After all, that’s where the real value lies.

So how can we pull ourselves out of this habit? First comes the process of unplugging from social dependency, and by that I mean caring what people think of our life choices. If it feels right to us, then it’s right for us, which brings me to my second point: Give yourself time to feel before you think.

That’s not to say we ought to dismiss thinking (of course not). With thinking comes logic and common sense and rationality, all of which play a vital role in being, well, human. But let’s not forget our gut — I refer to it as our moral compass. This is where our true voice exists, deep within our mind and soul. It tells us the direction we’re meant to follow, and points us in the correct trajectory. When we don’t listen, it’s often because we’re thinking about pleasing a third party or attempting to obey a social order.

When we ask permission, we’re unconsciously giving away power that is innately ours. That’s a bad habit to start building.

Remember, life is the biggest lottery in the universe — and we’ve all won. Imagine all the lives that were birthed before you even got here (your parents, grandparents, great grandparents), all the way back to the beginning of time, eventually making its way to you. It puts things in perspective, right? 

We're all lucky to even be here. We don’t need to ask anyone permission. Believe me, we've earned that right. 

David Artavia is the managing editor at The Advocate magazine, Plus magazine, HollywoodHoller.com; and the features editor at Chill magazine. Follow him on Facebook: @TheDavidArtavia. Twitter: @DMArtavia. Instagram: @DMArtavia

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David Artavia

David Artavia is the managing editor at The Advocate magazine and Plus magazines, as well as an editor Chill magazine and HollywoodHoller.com. Follow him on Facebook @TheDavidArtavia and Instagram: @DMArtavia.

David Artavia is the managing editor at The Advocate magazine and Plus magazines, as well as an editor Chill magazine and HollywoodHoller.com. Follow him on Facebook @TheDavidArtavia and Instagram: @DMArtavia.