Coming Out on Campus: Vassar College

Welcome back to SheWired's exclusive series 'Out on Campus,' brought to you by SheWired Associate Shannon Connolly and Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist.  We are busy combing college campuses across the nation -- or even around the world -- to bring readers a varied perspective on coming out or being out at college.

Enjoy, and if you'd like to be a part of our series please email me at tracy.gilchrist@regentmedia.com.

In order to live as an openly gay person, one has to come out.  Or to be more accurate, one has to come out over and over again.  With each outing comes a story, and many of us have heard coming out stories of all types.  There’s the one where the girl falls in love with her best female friend and comes out by confessing her affection.  Sometimes the story ends with the birth of a new romantic relationship, sometimes it ends with a broken heart and a broken friendship.  

There is the story about the boy who finally tells his parents that he’s gay while sitting down at the dinner table.  Maybe his parents pretend they didn’t hear him, maybe they dismiss his comment by saying “it’s just a phase”, and maybe they smile and declare how proud they are of their son.  Occasionally there’s the quirky story in which a girl outs herself after hearing from a tarot card reader that she will soon find “the man with whom she was meant to spend the rest of her life.”  (Okay, I admit that was a personal experience of mine I believed to be too silly not to share.) 

Obviously, countless stories exist and more are being created each day.  But what follows the big coming out events?  What happens after we tell our parents, siblings, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbors, classmates, pets, teammates, tarot card readers that we are, in fact, gay?  The stories might end, but our lives do not.  And that is when we move into a space that is not heard about as often. 

I should preface my perspective by saying that I am fortunate to live in a rather accepting college environment.  As a result, I have been openly gay on campus since my second day as a Vassar College student.  I’m not saying the process of coming out was an easy one or that I do not encounter awkward and uncomfortable situations because I openly identify as a lesbian.  I just mean that a large portion of my personal coming out stories occurred in a place where the typical response was “Oh, ::small shrug:: good to know.” 

No large fanfare, no quoting of Bible passages, not much of anything really.  This sounds like an ideal situation and in many cases it was and continues to be.  Yet, such overarching acceptance diffuses any real motivation for the growth of a close knit LGBTQ community.  Since the majority of the campus recognizes that people of different sexual orientations are equal in every respect to those who are heterosexual, the whole thing seems to be a non-issue here.

However, being gay is not a non-issue, at least I certainly do not regard it as such.  Living a life that is different from what I was taught in school, shown in movies, told by friends and family is difficult.  Correcting distant relatives when they ask if I have a boyfriend is uncomfortable.  Having my grandmother assume I cannot wear her wedding dress on my own wedding day because my partner will be a woman is hurtful. 

I need a space to talk about these situations, to discuss how my life is going now that I have already outted myself.  I want people to help me answer the “now what?” that follows my decision to be open about my sexuality.  I am living in the space after and in-between the coming out stories here on my liberal college campus.  It is wonderful that people are accepting, yet sometimes I desire some understanding too.  Otherwise, being openly gay can feel just as lonely as sitting in the closet.

The solution to my desire for a LGBTQ community has come through activism.  Initially there was no group on campus devoted to LGBTQ rights so, as a freshman, I helped create one.  This is now my fourth year working with our club, called ACT OUT: Student Activists for LGBT rights, and my time with the organization has been full of some of the most rewarding and memorable experiences of my life.  

Not only do I have the opportunity to create rallies for marriage equality in New York City and meet with legislators about the Gender Expression Non-Discrimination Act, but I help cultivate a space at Vassar for people to be involved in these issues.  By focusing on human rights, ACT OUT has been able to bring together all students who are touched by hateful, callous, or misguided attitudes toward people in the LGBTQ community. 

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Some of our members identify as queer, some join because others in their lives identify as queer, and some participate simply because they believe everyone deserves equal rights.  In essence, ACT OUT has created its own type of community.

I admit this may not be the space I was envisioning when first coming to terms with my sexuality.  There is not always time to discuss a family friend’s offensive remark, for example, while working on a campaign against the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.  Yet, I have found a way to express myself, fully acknowledge who I am, and work toward changing negative opinions about the LGBTQ community at the same time. 

I have also learned, once again, that I am not alone.  Other students on campus have been drawn to ACT OUT because they too were searching for answers to their personal “now what?”s.  As a result, after and in-between meetings, many of us developed friendships that went beyond being activist buddies.  The older students started hosting group dinners at their houses and although we were a rather unexpected mix of people from various social circles, we were never short on conversation.  Here was a space that not only welcomed anecdotes about the issues associated with being queer, but revolved around it.  Most of the coming out stories I know are ones I heard while sitting around the table with my fellow ACT OUTers casually chatting over slices of pizza. 

In many ways, the organization has become my lifeline for all things gay.  Whether I need to vent my frustration about the passage of Proposition 8 or wonder aloud about the politics of the word “queer” or discuss how uncomfortable my roommate made me feel when she asked “So which one of you is the boy in this relationship?”, I know I have a network of people who feel the same or at least understand where my emotions come from.  As an added bonus, some of my ACT OUT comrades and I have discovered that our common interests extend further than the LGBTQ realm and have since become very close friends.  I cannot possibly imagine my time at Vassar without them.

Clearly, my experiences with ACT OUT have profoundly shaped my college career and I hope everyone in search of a similar community space is able to find a way to discuss the befores, afters, and in-betweens.  Our lives as openly gay individuals go beyond our coming out stories and it only makes sense to acknowledge all of our experiences with equal care.  So here’s a toast to not only coming out, but staying out and living the life that follows.

Missed the premiere Out on Campus? Read it here.