Jessica Halem has a Perfect Vagina.

That's what she told me when we had dinner the other night. We should all have that kind of vagina confidence. Halem is a comic. A funny, funny comic with a perfect vagina and if you haven't seen her you should.

Your vagina is probably great already, most are, but Halem did have a few beauty tips which I'll share with you because, why not? Isn't that why you come to Shewired? You aren't going to get this kind of practical beauty advice on The Huffington Post.

Jessica Halem's Vagina Beauty tips:

1. Take acidophilus every day.  

2. Use good quality conditioner on your bush.

3. Do Kegels.

I was especially interested in beauty tip number two because I'm in the middle of a bush-growing experiment. I live in Brooklyn, more specifically in Greenpoint, which is probably the most hipster-infested neighborhood after Williamsburg. Residents of Bushwick might argue that statement, except they probably aren't reading this. I don't think twenty-something hipster dudes with a lot of Nat King Cole on vinyl are Shewired's demographic. If I'm wrong, just let me know in the comments.

But back to my hipster soaked surroundings. All the dudes in my neighborhood have beards. Skinny jeans, flannel shirt, beards. All of them. I guess I got used to seeing hairy people and somewhere along the way I stopped shaving. And rather than hurt my sex life, my girlfriend seems to like it. "Kinky," was how she described it. All this time all I had to do to seem kinky was grow some pubic hair, who knew? I am so totally throwing out my rubber nurse uniform.

I like my new bush too, I don't necessarily feel kinky, but I do kind of feel like donning flowy skirts and wearing a lot of barrettes. The only thing I haven't decided is how long to let it get. Right now it's only medium long. Not even really medium long, it's just kind of lightly dusted with short but luxuriously conditioned curls. But I intend to let it go a while longer, just to see what happens. Maybe I'll start a trend in my neighborhood like all the beard guys.

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But now I'm wondering, if you aren't shaving your bush does that mean you can't shave anything? If my bush has sideburns, which I'm not saying it does, this is just hypothetical, but if I get sideburns do I have to let those go wild too? Can you shave everything else around your seventies bush and just leave the actual bush untouched? Or is that cheating? And what about armpit hair? Do I have to let that grow too? Because now we are getting kind of European up in here and I'm not sure I'm ready to be that kinky.

Now, before we get too distracted by my armpit hair, which I currently don't have btw, so don't go starting rumors, I want to just say that Kegels are also an excellent vagina beauty tip. Kegels make your vag strong, which in turn makes your orgasms better, longer, stronger, etc. I bet you started doing them the minute you read that sentence. I'm totally doing them right now. I Googled Kegels in order to write this blog, just to see if there was anything new going on with Kegels since the last time I Googled them. Nope, Kegels are pretty much the same. Squeeze, release, squeeze, release.

I did however find some new Kegel gadgets you can buy. Most are weird. For instance, thePantyO. It's a panty-Kegel-something-combination. I can't totally tell from the web site what's going on with this thing. But it seems like it's a pair of unsightly checkered panties with a silicone knob sewn into the crotch for you to chew on with your pussy muscles while you go on about your day. As if you could just go on about your day with an annoying silicone knob in your underwear.