5 Horrifying Injuries Lesbians Would Sustain If they Had Sex Like They Do In Porn

The vast majority of “lesbian porn” is made for straight men, and when straight men try to imagine what lesbians do in bed, some pretty ridiculous, if not downright dangerous, things happen. If lesbians actually had sex like they do in lesbian porn, it would be a bloodbath. Here are five horrifying injuries that would happen if straight men directed real lesbian sex lives:

1) Permanent laryngitis.Yes, sex is noisy. But that doesn’t mean it sounds anything like lesbian porn. Why are these women screaming like they just found a body in the first five minutes of Law & Order? Please, save your voice.

2) Puncture wounds.The “lesbians” in lesbian porn seem to have a dangerous obsession with acrylic nails. Forget the pain of losing a nail. Think of the possible puncture wounds. Even in the best-case scenario I can imagine, it would feel something like having a coconut scooper up there. Save vaginas. Trim your nails.

3) Pulled muscles, chafing, and bruising.I don’t actually know anyone who is into scissoring, but if that’s your yum, I’m not going to yuck it. I will say, thirty minutes of bumping and grinding your vulvas up against each other does not seem like a recipe for multiple orgasms. It seems like a recipe for throwing your back out, a lot of bruising, and chafing so bad that it hurts to pee for the next two weeks.

4) Broken ankles.There are probably many dangers to wearing sky-high heels during sex like they seem to casually in lesbian porn. I would guess it’s not a feat most of us are capable of. However, the biggest danger is probably catching a heel in the rumpled sheets at your bedside when you go to get a glass of water, and snapping your freaking ankle in half.

5) Stab wounds.It’s a common lesbian porn scenario, but just imagine for a moment what would happen if a naked stranger dude showed up in the middle of sex with your girlfriend, and said, “Aw, you started without me.” I don’t think any lesbians would gladly welcome him into their bed, but I can picture a scenario where they run screaming toward the kitchen for the nearest knife.