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Right about now, if Abraham Lincoln were my publicist, he would more than likely advise me to shut my mouth and let it go, and would also wisely remind me it's "better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt."
While my brain absolutely agrees with Mr. Lincoln, my ego tends to think otherwise -- especially when it comes to the latest serious allegations made against me for swallowing misconduct. Hmm somehow that didn't sound kosher! But you get my point, right?
Not only for spite but for no other reasons than absolutely, definitely wanting to have the last word, I will drop everything I am doing right now to dispute theses false charges.
And so, for the last time EVER, here it is:
YES I AM SKINNY, BUT NO, I AM NOT ANOREXIC!
I mean how many times do I have to explain myself on the issue?
For God's sake, is it so hard to believe that there are some people in this fat country of ours that do not need to develop an eating disorder to remain thin?
It's not even that I know how to eat right, include all the healthy nutrients, take the appropriate vitamins, equally balance all the food groups, or that I overall consume the right amount of calories a day. Seriously, who has time to count and measure nowadays? Plus I still haven't figured out the whole metric conversion system from meters, centimeters, kilos and liters to inches, pounds, ounces, cups and gallons - I'm still very much jet-lagged and permanently stuck on Paris' time zone.
What truly puzzles me is why so many people around me find it urgently necessary to not mind their own business and seem a bit too eager to make the assumption that my slim figure is synonymous with an eating disorder. Isn't that the job of all the tabloids to feed the nosy curious minds with sensationally scandalous fabricated lies about our dear Hollywood female starlets? What happened to poking fun at the skinny frames of Angelina Jolie, Tori Spelling and Nicole Ritchie?
Unless, without my knowing, I became a celebrity overnight, I don't believe my level of worldwide notoriety warrants such an obsessive concern about my weight - or lack thereof -- on my entourage's part.
That thought alone got me thinking that perhaps, in a crisis management effort, it would behoove me to research how some of Tinseltown's luminaries have rebuffed claims of similar nature.
Here are a couple of poignant statements I collected to intellectually stimulate and inspire me:
"I'm not anorexic, I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that
are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me."- Jessica Simpson
"Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be skinny
like that, but not with those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey
As much as I found these highly compelling and convincingly empowering, I opted to go for the more logic-defying declaration formulated by none other than Academician, former supermodel, Linda Evangelista. And while admittedly I am totally paraphrasing her, I am boldly coining this revised version of the phrase: I'm not at all dieting; I just don't eat as much as I'd want to.
That is not to say that I am starving myself, that I have questionable eating habits, or that I am malnourished. Au contraire, I eat a lot, just not a lot of crap. Forgive me if I fancy quality over quantity but my idea of gourmet food is neither fast nor junk food. Truthfully, no one has ever told me to eat more because I don't give them any reasons to! I'm the first one to clean my plate and have unwaveringly advocated numerous time my anti-sharing activist disposition, vis-à-vis, granting people permission to stick their fork in my food.
Speaking of which, what happened to good manners? As my friend Michelle - another fellow member of the skinny bitch club - pointed out, it is absolutely rude to grab someone by the arm and in a seemingly compassionately concerned tone impertinently to inquire "are you Okay, you look awfully thin." How would they like it if conversely I were to say that they look terribly fat and kindly remind them that there's a show on TV called The Biggest Loser, which they should consider applying for?
The irony of it all is that I can't even claim to be naturally thin. I spent my high school years - almost a decade - inhabiting a fat body and working through most of my resentful adolescent insecurities. I just couldn't comprehend why I hadn't inherited my mom's stick-thin, model slimness genetics. It took me quite a few years to shed the extra pounds not to mention a whole lot of fucking time spent at the gym.
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(continued)
Can someone please give me props for being in healthy, muscle-toned, shape?
For God's sake, do people think I am having fun every morning when my ass sprints through Runyon Canyon like a maniac, or kills the cardio equipment at 24 Hour Fitness? Give me a break! It's about strict discipline and obsessive compulsive behavior commitment.
Let me set the record straight, I'm not anorexic, I am just a workout freak - and I would like for my proper addiction to be accurately credited. I don't think people realize how gruesome a task it is to have to plan your trips and book your hotel room around the geographical location of a 24 Hr Fitness facility.
Why is it that some people find it unfathomable to believe that skinny doesn't necessarily equate to possessing an eating disorder of some sort? Perhaps it would suit their "skinny means sick" philosophy better if I were to fess up to being a cocaine-snorting fiend. That might possibly get them off my back, until, like my skinny bitch friend # 2, Kim, they pull an intervention assault on my ass. At least it would logically justify my slim figure, because surely it is genetically impossible for anyone to simply be thin naturally.
I'm not throwing a pity-party here but merely suggesting that it is as harassing to be singled out for being lean as for being elephantine. And I completely feel entitled to freely voice my opinion on the issue because I have been on both sides of the "skinny girl trapped into a fat body / fat girl trapped in a skinny body" fence!
Now that I've finally graduated to "skinny girl framed in a skinny body," can I not be unfairly crucified for being deemed too lean? Far from being a so-called size zero and dressing in the little girls' section, I am in fact a healthy size 2 -- formerly known as size 4. What exactly am I supposed to do to make people shut the F-k up? How about stuff my face with cheesecake, candy bars and pizzas?
Did I miss the boat? Is fat the new black? Clearly this is a case of misplaced jealousy.
Do I have to remind you again that I am Parisian? I'm extremely picky. I eat seasonally, locally, qualitatively and moderately for pleasure and satisfaction - and if it's not food, it doesn't come anywhere near my mouth. It's a lifestyle not a diet!
Seriously, while I am very much aware that anorexia is an important problem more common than just a thought, I am only raising the point about this collective hysteria provoking the unnecessary melodramatic "Jesus" comment.
Don't hate me because I am skinny, hate me because I am a genetically advantaged French beaatch ... C'est la vie!
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Mona Elyafi is the founder/CEO of ILDK Media - a boutique entertainment public relations agency specializing in personal publicity, special events, media relations & corporate/brand communications. www.ILDKMedia.com
