15 Things To Do Before Your Grindr Hookup Comes Over

I only clean my apartment when a trick from Grindr or Scruff or Tinder or Craigslist (I'm on all the apps) comes over. It's important I sleep around so my apartment actually stays clean. In doing so, I have developed a very strict regimen of things to do while getting ready for hook-ups.

Here are 15 things all gay men should do before their trick knocks on the door.

1. Do your dishes.

Give the appearance you're a responsible human being by emptying your sink of the dirty dishes that have been piling up all week.

2. Honestly, tidy up the whole place while you're at it.

You don't have a do a deep clean just pick things up and maybe run a vacuum over the floor, after all, you don't know where the night's adventures will have you end up. Could be rolling around on the floor.

3. Stock up on different flavors of La Croix.

Offering your trick a fridge full of bougie bubbly water makes him think, "HE'S GOT MONEY!"

4. Display books.

Even though you only read the first chapters of Just Kids by Patti Smith four years ago, put it out so he thinks, "HE'S GOT SMARTS!"

5. Do your downstairs prep, you know what we mean!

Give it a good scrub down with whatever you use to clean out the pipes. 

6. And clean up after yourself when you're done.

Give that a good scrub, too. A dirty toilet can be such a buzz kill.

7. Make your bed with a sex sheet.

Put an extra sheet down that you will actually fuck on so that it will be easier for you to clean up later if you don't want to do a huge load of laundry (despite the huge loads).

8. Stash the condoms out of sight (but still keep them in reach).

You don't want your trick to think it's a deli counter!

9. If you're a bottom, get in your jock.

You sent a photo in a jock, so now you know they are expecting you to be in one when they show up.

10. If you're a top, get in tight fitting athletic shorts.

No underwear, so you tease them with just a hint of your package's silhouette.

11. Break the seal on the new bottle of poppers.

You don't want to deal with those impossibly frustrating plastic caps during the dirty deed. Same goes with the lube.

12. Play some Spotify.

Awkward silences are the worst. Your solution? Spotify. My go-to is Death Cab for Cutie. So much so, I know exactly what track I should be finishing to during a 45-minute hook-up. Frank Ocean, Rihanna's last album, and Lana Del Rey are also good go-tos. Or if you're feeling a little dirtier, put on Ms. Nicki Minaj. If you are really feeling emotions, then obviously it's Celine.

13. Light a scented candle from Target.

Cashmere Plum, Bonfire Nights, or Snuggly Sweater will transform your danky sex dungeon into a fancy pleasure palace of love. Why Target? They won't break your bank AND they support our trans brothers and sisters.

14. Take your PrEP.

Make sure you took your daily dose of Truvada if you're on it.

15. Ask them their status.

Whether your hook-up is positive or negative, knowledge is power!