12 ways to spice up your Valentine's Day from an LGBTQ+ sex expert

1. Intimacy is bigger than sex

"Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about vulnerability, safety, attention, and time," Dr. Bashan tells PRIDE. "Feeling connected, grounded, and emotionally secure often matters more than any specific act, especially before initiating anything physical. Intimacy varies wildly from person to person and relationship to relationship, and you get to define it on your own terms as your needs shift and evolve."

She continues, "You’re allowed to explore, change your mind, or opt out entirely from having sex on Valentine’s. Labels like top, bottom, neither, or both can be useful language, but they’re not set obligations. Valentine’s Day is a good reminder that intimacy works best when it’s self-defined, not assumed."

2. Invest in yourself

"Before planning a Valentine’s Day to remember, or even if you’re flying solo, take time to focus on yourself," she says. "Treat yourself to a hot bath, a relaxing massage, some gentle stretching, or your favorite music, anything that helps you feel refreshed, relaxed, and centered. You might also consider picking out a new outfit or piece of clothing that excites you and boosts your confidence. Feeling good in your own skin is the best way to make the day feel special, with or without a partner."

3. You're allowed to celebrate another day (or not at all)

"Valentine’s Day is just a date on the calendar, not a measure of your relationship’s health or depth," Dr. Bashan says. "You’re free to celebrate earlier, later, or not at all, whatever feels most aligned to your schedule. For many couples, choosing a quieter, more intentional day actually makes the connection feel more genuine and less performative."

4.  Redefine what Valentine's Day can be

"Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be just about romantic love," she says. "You can use the day to spread care and connection in ways that feel meaningful to you: bake cookies for a queer youth shelter, create a vision board for the love you want to grow (whether with a partner or on your own), or reach out to friends, family, chosen family, or community members to let them know they matter. Love doesn’t only live in couples, it lives wherever we nurture it."

5. Talk about Valentine's Day plans, even if it feels awkward 

"Avoiding the conversation often creates more stress than having it," Dr. Bashan warns. "Keep it light and curious: What does Valentine’s Day mean to you? Do you or your partner prefer to have gifts or no gifts? Big plans or a cozy night in? Communication builds connection, and connection makes everything feel more playful and enjoyable."

6. Stop comparing your Valentine's Day to other people's

"Some people want candles and reservations; others want sweatpants and takeout," she says. "Neither is more 'romantic' than the other, the only measure that matters is whether it feels right for you and your partner. Forget what you see on the internet and focus on what works for your relationship. Valentine’s Day is meant to be shared between you and your loved ones, not the followers on your social media. "

7. No sex? Totally valid! You don't owe Valentine's Day anything

"Valentine’s Day doesn’t come with a sex requirement, and intimacy doesn’t have to be physical to be real or meaningful," Dr. Bashan says. "Connection can show up through conversation, shared rituals, affection, laughter, care, or simply being present with one another. When you take the pressure off, intimacy has more room to be authentic, whatever helps you feel close actually counts."

8. Take the pressure off the 'Big Day'

"Stick to what already feels good, savor the moment, and be open with your partner if you’re not ready to try something new yet," she recommends. " Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be the night for big experiments, sometimes the sexiest thing you can do is keep it simple. You can still share curiosity and connection in smaller ways, checking in, holding space for each other, or enjoying familiar pleasures together. "

9. Make desire conversations a game, not a pop quiz

"Try using intimacy cards or other fun prompts with your partner—you’ll laugh, learn, and feel closer," Dr. Bashan says. "Focus on curiosity, not interrogation: ask questions like, 'How would you describe this stage of our relationship' or 'How have our relationship changed since we first met?' Keeping it flirty turns the conversation into foreplay, not therapy. Clarity is sexy, and learning more about you and your partner is even sexier. "

10. Explore new experiences as a couple

"Sex talks get awkward when they feel like confessions, but they can also be playful and connecting," she says. "Trying new experiences as a couple can deepen connection while keeping things playful. Simple games like This or That are a low-stakes way to explore intimacy: Massage or kiss? Lights on or off? Blindfolded or not? These prompts keep things flirty and open doors without pressure. Asking fun, curious questions can help you get to know your partner on a deeper level, while turning foreplay into a more meaningful intimacy."

Dr. Bashan continues, "If you’re venturing into new territory together, start with questions like: 'Is there a type of touch you’re curious about?' 'What’s something you’ve heard about that made you wonder?' or 'How would you want to communicate if something felt off?'"

11. Engage the senses to bring novelty to your relationship

"Bringing novelty into a relationship often works best through the senses, as sensory experiences help people feel more present," she recommends. "Adding playful activities can build anticipation and shared moments more memorable."

Touch doesn’t have to be overtly sexual to feel exciting. Slow, thoughtful contact shows care and helps both partners feel safe.

Smell is powerful because scents are closely tied to memory and emotion. Try wearing a new perfume just for the occasion to create a lasting association, or set the mood with scented candles or essential oils to make Valentine’s Day feel extra special.

Taste adds a layer of intimacy that’s often overlooked. Foods like chocolate, ripe fruit, honey, spices, or shared drinks invite pleasure, trust, and playful connection. Feeding each other or choosing flavors together becomes a slow, intentional way to show care.

Sound can set the mood: background music can subtly shift the energy of a space and cue relaxation or excitement.

Sight matters too! Taking the extra effort to look good makes you feel good, especially on a day like Valentine’s. This can boost your confidence and make both you and your partner feel sexier as you’ve cared enough to make Valentine’s even more special for yourself and your partner.

"Layering multiple senses makes experiences richer and more memorable, turning simple moments into intimate rituals that deepen connection," Dr. Bashan says.

12. Try on mini experiments to connect

"Reconnect with your partner through small, playful experiments," she says. "Share a few minutes of intimate eye contact while exchanging words of affirmation, tackle the NYT 36 Questions on the Way To Love, or create a shared sex bucket list. Little activities, such as quick games help you reconnect and deepen your connection."

Source cited

Dr. Frankie Bashan is the founder and CEO of Little Gay Book, an LGBTQ+ matchmaking service, as well as a licensed psychologist, board-certified sex therapist, and nationally recognized professional matchmaker. She has appeared as a love expert on MTV’s Are You the One? and has given a TEDTalk on fluidity.