The 6 Funniest Reasons Why Total Tops Won’t Bottom

Home>
Sex>

        The 6 Funniest Reasons Why Total Tops Won’t Bottom
    
By Zachary ZaneJune 08 2016 / 3:16 PM
Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based sex and dating expert, columnist, activist, and author of 'Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto' and co-author of 'Men’s Health: Best. Sex. Ever.'
 See Full Bio 
Trending Stories
Japan's ban on marriage equality is constitutional, according to a Tokyo court
Heated Rivalry stars see huge jump in social followers within 72 hours of premiere
It’s National PrEP Day! Learn the latest about HIV prevention
'Heated Rivalry' breaks the internet: Gays react to horny hockey show
Amazing People of 2025: Javier Muñoz
HIV-positive men stage 'Kiss-In' protest at U.S.-Mexico border (in photos)
Messenger RNA could be the key to an HIV vaccine — but government cuts pose a threat
Heated Rivalry: Hudson thought Connor would 'pin me down and f— me' in audition
'The Summer I Turned Pretty's Christopher Briney and Sean Kaufman kiss at a Knicks game
In 'Stranger Things' season 5, being gay is a superpower
Trump administration won't observe World AIDS Day
What the AIDS crisis stole from Black gay men
HIV-positive men stage 'Kiss-In' protest at U.S.-Mexico border
Gay NYC councilman running for Congress says America is at a crossroads
Maryland community outraged after ‘bigoted’ early morning rainbow crosswalk removal
Recommended Stories for You
A gay solo traveler goes bear-hunting in Barcelona
Explore the camp, parties, and parade of Provincetown Carnival 2025
More than a month: Prioritizing LGBTQ+ health year-round
UNITY at Sphere is the perfect Las Vegas attraction for gay tourists
When love sinks, set sail for the Hudson Navigator
This heavenly hotel in the heart of Hell's Kitchen is the perfect oasis
Top 10 LGBTQ+ beach towns perfect for Pride and summer fun
All 5 sex scenes on 'Heated Rivalry' (so far), ranked
Marriage equality will be banned in these 31 states if Obergefell is overturned
The Trump administration is choosing silence on World AIDS Day, but we're showing up louder than ever
11 steamy photos of the men of 'The White Lotus'
Alan Cumming helps Sam Morrison hold grief and joy together in one-man show
What is a Jubilee? These Catholics just became the first LGBTQ+ people to participate
9 hot photos of the cast of 'Overcompensating'
On World AIDS Day, thinking of progress and how to build on it in the face of hostility
Ex-Biden White House aide called out for implying Cory Booker’s new marriage is suspicious
The Trump administration is choosing silence on World AIDS Day, but we're showing up louder than ever
The lab coat just got queer
The Talk: Beyond the exam room
What the AIDS crisis stole from Black gay men
21 times Marjorie Taylor Greene was the worst
“I am the steward of my ship”: John Gibson rewrites his HIV narrative
Malta is the secret Pride destination where gays are going wild
“So much life to live”: Eric Nieves on thriving with HIV
The Talk: Owning your voice
The 6 Funniest Reasons Why Total Tops Won’t Bottom
  
While many gay/bi men are versatile (meaning they top AND bottom), we've definitely run into some guys who identify as TOTAL TOPS, and wouldn’t ever bottom if their life depended on it. Of course, if topping is your thing, and you have no desire to bottom, then don’t do it. Never do anything you don’t want to sexually or otherwise.
With that said, there are some pretty hilarious reasons why tops refuse to bottom. Here are six of the most ridiculous reasons I’ve heard from total tops. 
1/8
1/8

        
        The Latest
        
    
TV
        'Heated Rivalry' show vs the book: every major change explained (so far)
    
Ariel Messman-Rucker
Dec 02, 2025
Culture
        9 steamy gay shower scenes from TV & movies & where to watch them
    
Pride Staff
Dec 02, 2025
Celebrities
        Benito Skinner strips down in shirtless new selfie & gays are going feral
    
Ricky Cornish
Dec 02, 2025
TV
        Open the drag vaults! Meet the queens of RuPaul's Drag Race season 18
    
Bernardo Sim
Dec 02, 2025
Watch Now: Pride Today

        
        More For You
        
    
Entertainment
        16 major SCISSORING moments in pop culture history that we'll NEVER forget
    
Ariel Messman-Rucker
August 18 2025 / 1:39 PM

        Gramercy Pictures; CardiB/YouTube; X @antoniovenomous
    

Keep ReadingShow less

        
        Most Popular
        
    
TV
        12 gay sex scenes from the 'Heated Rivalry' book that we're dying to see in the show
    
Ariel Messman-Rucker
Nov 24, 2025
Movies
        35 all-time greatest lesbian sex scenes in movies & where to stream them
    
Preston Max Allen And Tracy E. Gilchrist
Pride Staff
Dec 13, 2024
Celebrities
        Matt Rogers strips down to tight white briefs & gays are going feral
    
Ricky Cornish
Nov 25, 2025
TV
        All 11 sex scenes on 'The Hunting Wives' (so far), ranked
    
Rachel Shatto
Oct 02, 2025
TV
        All 5 sex scenes on 'Heated Rivalry' (so far), ranked
    
Pride Staff
Dec 01, 2025
Celebrities
        'Heated Rivalry' star Connor Storrie transformed from twink to twunk & gays are melting down
    
Ariel Messman-Rucker
Nov 20, 2025
Sign Me Up!
Get a roundup of the best in LGBTQ+ culture delivered to your inbox weekly.
Enter your email
Love & Sex
        Bottoms, here are 12 ways to help get rid of those pesky anal fissures, according to a doctor
    
Pride Staff
August 08 2025 / 12:03 PM
Our expert offers tips and tricks for how to heal an anal fissure when you're a busy bottom.

        Shutterstock
    

Keep ReadingShow less
Politics
        14 gay adult stars react to Senate's proposed plan to ban spicy content
    
Ricky Cornish
Ariel Messman-Rucker
May 15 2025 / 12:42 PM
Adult stars Tony Genius, Jordan Starr, and Dom King.

        Mile High Entertainment / Carlos Salazar / Men.com
    
Keep ReadingShow less
Interviews
        Benito Skinner dishes on his steamy sex scenes in 'Overcompensating'
    
Ricky Cornish
May 14 2025 / 4:20 PM
Benito Skinner

        Nina Westervelt/WWD via Getty Images
    
Benito Skinner is the gift that keeps on giving.
The handsome actor and TV creator's latest show, Overcompensating, is the passion project that he's thrilled to finally share with the world.
Keep ReadingShow less
Men
        Gays are going feral for Cooper Koch's sexy new Calvin Klein pics
    
Ricky Cornish
May 13 2025 / 1:16 PM
Cooper Koch attends the 82nd Annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills, California.

        Matt Winkelmeyer/WireImage
    
Once again, thank you Calvin Klein.
The iconic underwear line has teamed up with countless sexy celebrities for many steamy campaigns over the year, but now Cooper Koch has slipped into some sexy briefs of his own.
Keep ReadingShow less
Load More

Latest Stories

Sign Me Up!

The 6 Funniest Reasons Why Total Tops Won’t Bottom

Trending Stories

Japan's ban on marriage equality is constitutional, according to a Tokyo court

Heated Rivalry stars see huge jump in social followers within 72 hours of premiere

It’s National PrEP Day! Learn the latest about HIV prevention

'Heated Rivalry' breaks the internet: Gays react to horny hockey show

Amazing People of 2025: Javier Muñoz

HIV-positive men stage 'Kiss-In' protest at U.S.-Mexico border (in photos)

Messenger RNA could be the key to an HIV vaccine — but government cuts pose a threat

Heated Rivalry: Hudson thought Connor would 'pin me down and f— me' in audition

'The Summer I Turned Pretty's Christopher Briney and Sean Kaufman kiss at a Knicks game

In 'Stranger Things' season 5, being gay is a superpower

Trump administration won't observe World AIDS Day

What the AIDS crisis stole from Black gay men

HIV-positive men stage 'Kiss-In' protest at U.S.-Mexico border

Gay NYC councilman running for Congress says America is at a crossroads

Maryland community outraged after ‘bigoted’ early morning rainbow crosswalk removal

Recommended Stories for You

A gay solo traveler goes bear-hunting in Barcelona

Explore the camp, parties, and parade of Provincetown Carnival 2025

More than a month: Prioritizing LGBTQ+ health year-round

UNITY at Sphere is the perfect Las Vegas attraction for gay tourists

When love sinks, set sail for the Hudson Navigator

This heavenly hotel in the heart of Hell's Kitchen is the perfect oasis

Top 10 LGBTQ+ beach towns perfect for Pride and summer fun

All 5 sex scenes on 'Heated Rivalry' (so far), ranked

Marriage equality will be banned in these 31 states if Obergefell is overturned

The Trump administration is choosing silence on World AIDS Day, but we're showing up louder than ever

11 steamy photos of the men of 'The White Lotus'

Alan Cumming helps Sam Morrison hold grief and joy together in one-man show

What is a Jubilee? These Catholics just became the first LGBTQ+ people to participate

9 hot photos of the cast of 'Overcompensating'

On World AIDS Day, thinking of progress and how to build on it in the face of hostility

Ex-Biden White House aide called out for implying Cory Booker’s new marriage is suspicious

The Trump administration is choosing silence on World AIDS Day, but we're showing up louder than ever

The lab coat just got queer

The Talk: Beyond the exam room

What the AIDS crisis stole from Black gay men

21 times Marjorie Taylor Greene was the worst

“I am the steward of my ship”: John Gibson rewrites his HIV narrative

Malta is the secret Pride destination where gays are going wild

“So much life to live”: Eric Nieves on thriving with HIV

The Talk: Owning your voice

The 6 Funniest Reasons Why Total Tops Won’t Bottom

The Latest

More For You

1. 'Blue is the Warmest Color'

2. Katy Perry scissoring on stage

3. Bound

4. Santana and Brittany on 'Glee'

5. Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion

6. 'Real Housewives' gives a scissoring demo

7. Renee Rap performs in front of giant scissors

8. 'The Handmaiden'

9. Unsimulated scissoring on 'The Real L Word'

10. Gay pop group the Scissor Sisters

11. 'Book Smart'

12. Anthony Bowens scissors a granny

13. Did a Nickelodeon show reference scissoring?

14. 'Orange is the New Black'

15. The time Elliot Page talked about scissoring on 'SNL'

16. Gabby Windey and Reneé Rapp love scissoring

Most Popular

Sign Me Up!

You’ve probably heard someone mention anal fissures at some point in your life...

1. Keep your bowel movements loose

2. Eat more olive oil

3. Don’t hold in your poops

4. Make friends with aloe vera

5. Use more lube during sex than you thought possible

6. Soak in a hot bath

7. Cool it with the bottoming for a little bit

8. Give Botox a try, it's for more than just wrinkles

9. Preparation H

10. AnuSol Cream

11. Rectiv Rectal

12. If all else fails…surgery

​The biggest names in the industry are clapping back.

The biggest names in the industry are clapping back.