10 Sex Tips For Women Who Just Came Out
10 Sex Tips For Women Who Just Came Out
If there were a care package that your gay fairy godmother would send you by stork after you came out, this book would be in that package.
It’s called Girl Sex 101. It was written by sex educator, Allison Moon, and illustrated by KD Diamond.
Moon says she wrote this book because when she came out 15 years ago, she had nowhere to turn for sex education about women. Moon says, "There was no book that I could just pick up off a shelf."
Things are different now. Moon acknowledges that with the advent of the internet, there are more resources available, but "it's a very noisy place and it's hard to break through the noise with real solid information." She says, "There's a lot of misinformation that's swirling around." The information in the book is what "I would have wanted when I was 16 years old," she says.
Here are 10 tips courtesy of Moon and Girl Sex 101:
Communication and consent are "the best places to start and to get really comfortable because … all of the more how-to stuff, you know, cunnilingus, and hand sex, toys … those are all really based on communication, consent, and finding people who want to play with you."
"Even for people who aren’t ready to have sex, or who are just starting, I think that getting really solid on just finding a community and learning how to talk about not just techniques, but really talk about what gives you pleasure, what kind of flirting you like, and what kind of person you are. I think that you can just stay there for a long time until you found somebody that you’re really ready to take to the next level."
"Get to know your body as well as you can, which means, masturbate … figure out what kind of touch you like, and what kind of touch you don’t like. Basically getting to know yourself first is the best way to get to know somebody else and be able to communicate that stuff."
"Brush up on your anatomy, and figure out what’s actually going on down there for folks because it will allow you to both communicate better with your partner and at the same time follow their lead a little bit. Information is power. Sex is really just learning to speak up in the moment about what’s working and what’s not and I feel like most people they breeze past that stage on their way to … buying a strap-on and whatnot. When really it should be a lot of getting really clear about what kind of things you like."
"A lot of women think, well pregnancy is not an issue, or even penis and vagina is not gonna happen, so I don’t need to worry about it, which isn’t true. STDs and STIs can affect people, regardless of orientation and partners, so I always recommend, again, like with pleasure, information is power."
"Getting tested is the best possible thing that you can do for your sexual health so that you know your status and you know where you’re at. The second thing to do, is communicate with your partner. Communicate your status with your partner and if you do test positive for anything, then your partner can make informed decisions about what makes them feel safe."
"Getting a positive diagnosis of an STI does not mean that your sex life is over or that you aren’t able to have sex with a certain person at a certain time. What it does mean is that you can have more informed choices about what kind of sex you want to have. And the cool thing about lesbian sex is that there are so many different ways that we can play with each other that don’t have to mean body fluid exchange, or anything like that. There’s a lot of ways you can use barriers, there’s also a lot of ways that you can use toys and hands, and get each other off in a fun, safe way."
"I always err on the side of checking in a little more than I think I have to. A lot of us aren’t really good at speaking up and that’s something I often do with new partners. The moment I start getting annoyed that their asking too much is when I usually say, 'I’m great for advocating for myself. If something that you’re doing doesn’t work for me, I will tell you, but meanwhile, you can stop checking in now.'"
"Women are socialized to not ever speak up when something’s not going well … I think it’s really healthy to get into the habit of speaking up a lot and learning to get really good about asking for consent and giving clear, verbal 'yeses' and 'noes.'"
"At a certain point, you can certainly decide, you know what, we are good with each other, I trust you, if you do anything, I can speak up about it. But until you get to that point where you feel like you're really good at that, I actually encourage people to check in with each other."
"It goes back to knowing what your body likes, but if you and your partner both like vibrators, then getting off with vibrators together can be really fun. If you’re excited about strap-ons, then strap-ons can be fun. I think a lot of people when they go to a store, they have a sense of what they like, especially when they’re with a partner, cause they can be like, what will help set our already distinct sex life?"
"So if its like I've always wanted to try a strap-on, well then, that’s generally speaking, a good call. Same thing with vibrators, same thing with all sorts of different kinds of toys. I generally say just find a toy store that has good customer service and is feminist and is queer-friendly and that you’ll be able to have really awesome conversations with the staff there about what kind of stuff would be fun for you."
"Nervousness is part of it. I think that there’s a big difference between being excitedly anxious, curiously anxious and being like a full 'no.' I’ve been out for 15 years, and whenever I’m with a new girl, I still get super nervous. It’s just part of the excitement of sex in a lot of ways."
"I think there’s nothing wrong with being nervous and scared, but knowing the difference between titillated excitedness, like being on a rollercoaster, or actually like this is not a good kind of scared, which is the kind of thing you actually want to shut down. So getting clear for that for yourself and knowing how to speak up in those moments, like I'm scared but I'm going to go for it, I mean, that’s where a lot of us are, and I think some of us especially when we’re new at something, we think that everybody else is so much better at it than we are, or so much more wise and so much more chill about things than we are, but that’s actually not true."
"I mean, we’re all kind of stuck in middle school when it comes to our, the way we feel about our attractiveness, and other people. We get excited and scared and we also are all very awkward around each other for the most part, so acknowledging that, you know, everybody’s nervous, and that’s ok, is a really good place to start…."
"Our eyes can be a little bit larger than our vaginas, so it’s probably better to think realistically about what would feel good, in terms of what you actually like to receive. But it might be that you try one and it doesn’t work and that’s OK. Then you’ll just try another one, you know, later."
"So you don’t have to worry ... if the first one you try isn’t rocking your world, that’s fine and you know, try another one. You'll find something that you do like eventually … but otherwise, it is an aesthetic purchase in a lot of ways. If you’re buying it to wear it, you want to buy one that makes you feel sexy, and makes you feel hot and that you want to wield with confidence, and if you're buying one to receive, then you want to find something that you feel would feel good inside of you. And hopefully that’s the same for both of you, if you're in a monogamous relationship and if not then both of you should get your own and play with different kinds of things that feel good."
"Understand your anatomy so that you know where everything’s placed, and at the same time, don’t go for the clit right away. I think a lot of people when they get down there for the first time, they’re so excited and they so want to rock their partner’s world that they’re kind of go right for the part that they know is where the pleasure lies but that can be a little too much for a lot of people, so instead, play around with getting to know the landscape down there, explore kissing and sucking and a lot of different fun ways that aren’t just about jackhammering the clit."
"A lot of us get cues from porn. Mainstream porn is a really terrible way to learn how to have sex because it’s a very visual medium and cunnilingus is not a very visually exciting thing, so a lot of us just see like the tongue flicking as the clit from a weird angle so that the camera can see it, when really what cunnilingus is, is a significant amount of pressure, and sensation generated by the lips and the tongue and the face on your partners vulva."
"A lot of us, who’ve been having sex for a while, have multiple dildos for different moods, for different partners, and for different occasions. You don't have to worry; if the first one you try isn’t rocking your world, then try another one, and you'll find something that you do like eventually … but otherwise, it is an aesthetic purchase in a lot of ways."