When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and GayWired contributor Mark Umbach prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
With Tracy's usual bitchy gay boy too busy to chat, her pal Mark pitch hits. The pair ponders Jennifer Aniston's Bond Girl fantasy, and no, it's not that she wants to hook up with one. They devolve into TV movie hell with a little help from Rosie O'Donnell, Kirstie Alley and Meredith Baxter Birney. There's the discussion about Oprah and Gayle King being like an old lesbo couple that's taken with Milk's Dustin Lance Black. Plus, Tracy does the usual drooling over Tamara Braun and Kate Winslet while gay boy Mark waxes on about lesbian sex on the L Word.
TEG: Hey Marky.
MU: Hey Lady.
TEG: Do you want to play with me? Ross is too important and busy to gossip, although now he's going on about Tamara Braun and All my Children, and Grace Jones' new CD.
MU: You know I always want to play with you. And your lady parts.
TEG: Awww. Stop now. Although, I'd marry if you if you were a girl.
MU: Well, at least I'm a lady!
TEG: Yes you are! So...what was this you were telling me about Rachel Green wanting to be a Bond girl? I mean, I could see if she wanted to sleep with a Bond girl. A Bond Girl named Courteney Cox.
TEG: What would Aniston's name be?
MU: YES! She said now that she's broken the 40 barrier, she's ready to kanoodle with Daniel Craig. What would be her name?? Ms. Titty Twista?
TEG: Good One. Hmmmm. Ross, who's not participating today came up with Sloppy Firsts. Poor Jen.
MU: Can Rachel ever break the romantic comedy barrier? I'm not sure. She's going to have share some of her lady parts, methinks.
TEG: She did. She went there with Good Girl, and what was that thriller with Clive Owen? The one in which we saw Rachel Green's naughty bits? Did she show her bits? Derailed?
MU: Oh yea...what was that mess? Was that the title of the movie, or the direction of her career? Poor thing.
TEG: Both. I still love her. So does Courteney. She's fine. And she held her own 15 feet away from grin and bear it Angelina at the Oscars.
MU: Well, if she doesn't get to Bond with Daniel Craig...she's still coug-ing it up with Mr. Mayer. Yes, at the Oscars...I KNOW...awkwaaaaaaaaard. Funny how they kept cutting to Angelina when Jennifer was talking on stage.
TEG: Mayer drives me nuts. He's so earnestly artsy it makes me gag.
MU: Ha. He could make me gag any day. Ooops, too dirty.
TEG: Really? Don't get it.
MU: Something about watching him sing
TEG: That's okay. But you are filthy. Typically I wax on about my girl crushes.
TEG: I'm pretty sure people are over my Winslet / Cruz / Tamara Braun obsessions. Last week, I was doing a phoner with one of my fave ladies and the receptionist tapped me to show me I had a package. It turned out to be a freebie vibrator from a new company...the Tinge.
MU: Perfect timing! And we NEVER get sick of hearing about it.
TEG: Thanks darling. But every time I mentioned Winslet in the office last week the gay boys groaned. When gay boys are sick of hearing about hot-assed Oscar winners, you know you've crossed a line.
MU: I have to say I would be a bad little gay man if I didn't mention that the Golden Girls have officially made the jump to the Hallmark Channel! What on Earth is going to be on Lifetime now?
TEG: That's scandalous!
MU: Seriously...blasphemous even! I mean, my DVR still records every episode even though I have all the seasons on DVD!
MU: God...I'm such a loser
TEG: Oh baby. Embrace your inner Golden Girl. What is happening to Lifetime? Is it going to be home to Rosie O'Donnell and Kirstie Alley made for TV movies now?
MU: And Meredith Baxter Birney in the one where something mysterious happens and she has to perform some vigilante justice. While hiding her face behind a mask. New and original... And if I see that commercial for the one with Rosie one more time...I'm going to Decoupage her face.
TEG: Or write a haiku about it. You know they say Meredith Baxter Birney -- or is she just Baxter now? --anyway, they say she's a sister...maybe, perhaps. Or maybe it' s just wishful thinking on the part of all those budding lesbos who grew up watching her.
MU: Mrs. Keaton a lez??? They were pretty liberal.
TEG: Rumor has it... but what do I know? I had a thing for her when she was Kristy McNichol's big sis on Family. That's a whole lot of lez in one family if it's true.
TEG: Mallory Keaton...now that was one hot teen.
MU: HA HA...I never really had a thing for Alex P.
MU: Now Mike Seaver, that's a whole different story.
TEG: Kirk bible thumping Cameron?
MU: I know...sad how things turn out, between him and Blair Warner.
TEG: It's not sad for him. I guess he's gone into the light.
MU: They can have him.
TEG: Oh yeah. Lisa Whelchel has broken my heart and given herself over to God.
MU: I know...what's up with these people??? At least we'll always have Natalie.
MU: And Mrs. G.
TEG: I wasn't the average kid with the crush on butchy Jo. I wanted rich bitch Blair. Now, she'd prolly try to baptize me in Purell for all the naughty things I've done.
MU: Girl, that's not enough Purell in the building. I think they'd have to break out the pure rubbing alcohol. Not to shift gears too hard, but what's with the Jonas Brothers and their movie coming in at number 2 behind my favorite drag queen?
TEG: I know. the Jonas Brothers movie is behind Tyler Perry. Since when do tween girls have enough money to float the fumbling economy?
MU: Seriously! At least they lost to a drag queen!
TEG: Really! I had to watch Cruel Intentions 2 on free On Demand this weekend to keep from spending money out.
MU: Maybe it's all the creepy cou-gays out there. I myself, was stuck with re-runs of Will & Grace and the Biggest Loser from this week.
TEG: Cou-gay? Is that what you call an over 40, predatory gay man?
MU: exactly!
TEG: I thought they were just called pervs.
more on next page...
\\\
(continued)
MU: Or my boyfriends.
TEG: Hahaha. Oh. See, I'm typically the perv. I just haven't found anyone within a decade of my age to date -- in decades.
MU: Me neither! If only I could find my J. Howard Marshall.
TEG: Well, I did watch Before the Devil Knows Your Dead... the movie that opens with chub Philip Seymour Hoffman giving it to Marisa Tomei from behind.
TEG: Yikes. I nearly gouged out my eyes at the site of Hoffman but she has a great ass.
MU: And she ain't afraid to show it all.
TEG: She was tits out all over the place in this flick. Made Winslet look like a prude.
MU: WOW, did you want to motorboat them?
TEG: Too small to motorboat really. Mine are more motorboatish, or at least some gay dude at the National Homos Journalism Conference let me know when I was there last summer.
MU: Nothing like having a little queen as a broach all weekend. Introduce me next time!!
TEG: Crazy. At first I thought it was cute but after the fifth time he tried to put his head in my cleave I was like, get the fuck out frat boy! He was cute though.
MU: Speaking of cute...how great was Dustin Lance Black's acceptance speech? And the fact that he moved OPRAH to tears...
TEG: He is adorable.
MU: Did you see him on Friday?
TEG: Yes. He moved me to tears on Oprah. I blubbered through Milk, blubbered through his acceptance speech and blubbered through Oprah.
MU: I KNOW... I was so proud of him and I don't even know him. I just hope he reached all the moms and dads out there with gay children. Although, sometimes I don't know why Gayle is there. What's that about?
TEG: Do Gayle and Oprah look like and old lezzie couple? Gayle with her librarian specs.
MU: YES!! Like they should be out buying artwork together or something.
TEG: They do. Oprah sits around knitting while Gayle rubs her feet. The dog on the afghan at the end of the couch... Listening to Nina Simone and sipping chamomile tea,
MU: And Steadman is locked outside the window... in the rain.
TEG: Awwww.
TEG: I'm sure he is set up just fine.
MU: I hope so!
TEG: Hmmm. So! It is the final episode of the L Word Sunday!
MU: Can you believe it?! What am I going to do without my girls?? For sure I'll come over. We can drink our wine and share our favorite moments.
TEG: I should have you Saturday and we can gay out watching them On Demand. What's the appeal for a gay boy? The fashion, Jennifer Beals' deltoids? The strap-on sex?
MU: Ya know...I'm not really sure what it is...I just love these women going at it and getting what they want. I think it's a stereotype for gay man...but it's so great to see these strong women going out and getting theirs
MU: Plus, of course, Pam Grier
TEG: Pam's a legend. And she always puts it into perspective.
MU: And I think she's still hot!
TEG: Oh yes. But your girl is Tasha.
MU: For sure...all the way
TEG: You like a tough girl do you?
MU: Absolutely...someone to get a little tough with me...but keep it real. I think I'd like to have her bench press me a few times.
TEG: I love it.
MU: She should start a boot camp. How hot would that be?
TEG: See, if you were a girl, it might not work. It sounds like we want the same thing in a woman.
MU: She could bench press you and give you a motorboat on every press!
TEG: That's so 12-year-old boy of you.
MU: Ha ha, I know, I'm so mature.
TEG: Anything else going on?
MU: Just curious to see how the Prop 8 arguments are going to start off out here in CA. Not to bring the light-heartedness to a screeching halt.
TEG: It's big. We all need to take to the streets again to get our voices out there. I know it doesn't matter in a court but we can't get lazy.
MU: Exactly...which is why things like Dustin Lance Black and Sean Penn winning the Oscars do matter
TEG: I mean, for a week we took to the streets daily, and then only the diehards stuck with the activism. Typical. We probably lost thousands at the Abbey for cocktail hour alone.
MU: We need to find our voice and rally behind it.
TEG: Yes sir! Alright then. I'm off to paint Fuck Prop 8 on my boobs and stand in front of City Hall.
MU: I'm going to tattoo it on my butt and moon the Temple.
TEG: Weren't you dating a Mormon for a hot minute? They might like that.
MU: That's true...I have seen their calendar
TEG: I have an extra. Alright. Fight the good fight!
MU: Quit hogging...nothing wrong with going Missionary!
TEG: And we have a date for On Demand L Word and a box of wine. The economy's bad, I can't afford the Two Buck Chuck.
MU: A box of wine and some Triscuits! I'm there
TEG: Kay. Ciao! Just so you know... I put out on the third date. So you're safe.
