Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Rosie O'Donnell, Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Love Hewitt

SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist andAdvocate.comEditor Ross von Metzke are back by unpopular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.

This week the pair take time out from more productive work, like writing about gay rights or the State of the Union Address, to weigh in on Betty White's hilarious Lifetime Achievement Award acceptance speech at the SAG Awards, Jennifer Love Hewitt's bedazzled vagina, Rosie O'Donnell and Howard Stern talking sex toys and Glenn Close waxing on about kissing Judy Davis while Kristen Stewart appears utterly bored with her onscreen snog with Dakota Fanning. Thanks to Boo Jarchow for adding the visuals.

RvM: I put my Manx on backwards this am and they're pinching.

TEG: Ha. Wasn’t one of our coworkers wearing those? I thought he'd converted to Mormonism.

RvM: He just had a big lunch.

TEG: Well, the way I'm feeling this week, I was thinking, for Facebook Doppelganger week, that I would change my profile pic to Doris Day, Sally Field, Joey Heatherton or Kirstie Alley's fat ass flipping the bird to the paps.

RvM: Good lord, Sybil. Thats a lot. I’m gonna go with Sandy Duncan that first season of Hogan family. I’m feeling very glassy eyed, not enough sleep.

TEG: Me too! What is in the air? I picked a bad month to kick the bottle to boost my metabolism.

RvM: Yeah, girl... Well if you want. There’s a girl on my block who's clearly on meth. Maybe you and her can smuggle some good shit in to Celebrity Rehab and kick it with Mac Phillips and Mincy McCready.

TEG: Oh Lord. So, It's been a busy week. We can talk about Betty White's slit, Wanda's boobs, Rosie's sex toys and Jennifer Love Hewitt's bedazzled vagina. Where do you want to begin?

RvM: Um, I’ll take bedazzled vag for $400, lez.

TEG: Well, I haven't seen the video yet but according to sexpert and SheWired contributor Diana Cage, J-Love added Swarovski crystals to her "lady parts." And Lady Parts is Hewitt's term, not mine.

RvM: Thats hideous. Almost as gross as a Prince Albert. I have no interest in knowing what she did last summer. Brahahahaha.

TEG: Hahahahaha. It's called Vajazzling. No joke.

RvM: That sounded like one of those lame ass jokes the d-listers out with in the back of Life & Style. You know, Carrottop on Bjork's hideous kilt of the month.

TEG: Sorry, she called it a Precious Lady and said it shined like a disco ball. I don't want to dance to “I will Survive” under J-Loves hooha.

RvM: That sounds like something Lady Gaga would do. Flash her bedazzled cooch while raising money for Haiti.

TEG: Ha. It would work too. Moving on. We have to weigh in on Betty White receiving her lifetime achievement award from Sandy B. I thought you might have gone apoplectic over that one.

RvM: I thoroughly enjoyed Miss White's diatribe on fucking half of Hollywood to get her gig on Maybe This Time (her 1996 sitcom with Martie Osmond) and George Clooney's admission that when he guested on Golden Girls, he had a piece of Rose Nylund, but better than that. I love how she shoved her knockers Sandy B's way not once but twice. Rub it in, why dontcha!

TEG: Haha. Didn't say Sandy B. say after The Proposal something like "When you've gone to second base with Betty White..."

RvM: Yeah. Something tells me they felt each other up just a tad.

TEG: I'd let Betty feel me up.

RvM: I know you would.

TEG: I know you'd let her feel you up.

RvM: Why do I get the feeling she and Cloris Leachman used to have pillow fights and watch old Rock Hudson movies while reading Nancy Drew mysteries and listening to Peter, Paul and Mary?

TEG: That's a lot of cross-gay pollination. But yeah. I's sure that old bird Cloris was down for that. Next up. Rosie and sex toys? Did you ever need to know? Reminded me of Samantha Jones giving vibrator advice, "That thing'll chew your clit off."

RvM: That’s like when a certain former co-worker of mine used to review dildos and make me edit her column. You never need to read these words from a coworker -- "LAST NIGHT IN THE TUB MY PARTNER [BLANK] AND I WERE PLAYING A GAME OF HIDE THE SOAP ON A ROPE WHEN..."

TEG: Ooof. Well, you won't get that from me. I'm a lady.

RvM: BULL SHIT! Lady my ass. You have a pic of Valerie Bertinelli in a bikini in your cube.

TEG: That's my goal weight!

RvM: And I know for a fact every time that SheWired hoodie disappears into your lap whats happening….

TEG: NASTY.

RvM: I know. I’m a pig. But seriously.

TEG: Yes darling.

RvM: Still not as nasty as Rosie talking about fucking a humvee.

TEG: A humvee with six kids. The Carol Brady of dykes.

RvM: Uggggggggg. Where's Alice when you need her? Ann B. Davis was a dyke.

TEG: I don't think so.

RvM: No?

TEG: I think she just topped Sam the butcher.

RvM: I got total lez vibes from her.

TEG: Little dom action going on. Honestly, I think Ann B. is just one of those butch straight women. Like Queen Latifah.

RvM: HAHAHAHAHAHA

TEG: And Michelle Rod.

RvM: Got it.

TEG: So, This week Glenn Close got all tingly talking about kissing Judy Davis (who wouldn't?) While bland-ass Kristen Stewart said it "didn't bother" her to kiss Dakota Fanning. Does that make Glenn a bigger dyke than K -Stew?

RvM: Well, come on now. Who do you think has bigger balls… Alex Forrest or Bella? Glenn Close is a rough bitch dont fuck with her!

TEG: Bella is what I need to help me sleep. And you're right. Alex Forrest was the reason a generation of natural-born philanderers turned to Jugs mag rather than step out on their wives.

RvM: She’ll do whatever the fuck she pleases.

TEG: As for Bella, that's5' 7" of non-addicting Ambien.

RvM: Belladonna? Girl, I took one of those once. That, a Tylenol PM and some of Nana Cookie's nog and I felt like Judy Garland.

TEG: Ha. I told you about the time I took a --legally prescribed -- Ambien and got on FaceBook. I woke up with Pam Grier, Boys Don't Cry director Kim Peirce and Joyce Heiser as FB freinds.

RvM: That’s Hyser bitch.

TEG: Sorry. I know she's sacred to you. Just One of the Guys.

RvM: And I woke up friends with Katey Sagal, Rebecca De Mornay and some has-been R&B singer Debelah Morgan, who's gained 55 lbs, moved to Boca and teaches voice at the Rev. James Cleveland School of Music.

TEG: Speaking of De Mornay, didn't you tell me upon me relaying the exciting news that Lucy Liu is going to Broadway, that DeMornay was starring in an Ibsen retrospective at the Pasadena Playhouse?

RvM: Uggg you know I was kidding. No. she's doing a movie for the guy who directed Saw. Horror flick called Mother's Day. Mommy's back. Hey, if she fucks a kid on a train then beheads him, I’m there!

TEG: I know. You'll call out sick and by advanced tix on line. But on the subject of great thespians I'm down for Tiffany Amber Thiessen in Lysistrata?

RvM: Admit it – you’d see DeMornay. That’s Tiffani. God, woman!

TEG: Damn.

RvM: You worked for the Enquirer. Don’t you know these people?

TEG: Shhh. That was a dark time when I first moved to LA. I took me four years to get Aniston right.

RvM: And she dropped the fucking Amber about the same time Berkley dropped her g in Showgirls.

TEG: I was on Kirstie Alley duty for my tenure. Thank god it was before Twitter.

RvM: I know. You’d be on call for four hours while she napped with her cat with a drumstick hanging out of her paws.

TEG: But I'd miss everything from running down the street to the Starbucks on Vermont to pee. Alright. You got anything else pressing for this week?

RvM: Other than my undergarmets, not that I can think of.

TEG: Please. You try wearing a bra for 12 hours a day. I'm gonna pull a Wanda and get my 'Boobs Out My Blouse.'

RvM: Until next week when you'll have seen a Pene Cruz retrospective and I’ll have finished my four episode arcd of Jo Beth Williams on Dexter.

TEG: HA! Yes Jamon Jamon baby! Or Banditas, whatever I'm in the mood for. Ciao then. Thanks for playing.

RvM: Now you go play.

TEG: Yes, boss.

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