Dear Breeders*,
*Straight people. Duh. Because they like, keep popping out babies like little bunny rabbits.
Yes, it can be confusing when a friend comes out to you. I understand. Maybe you’ve known them for years, maybe you’ve known them since they were just a fetus, but something has changed. Drastically. It turns out…
They like vagina.
(Or, you know, man parts. Whatever.)
Cue Jaws music.
You feel like you don’t know them, like they’ve betrayed you even. How could this happen? Your friend even seemed so straight (maybe). There’s no way they could be gay… Right?
Well, unfortunately, ummmmm you were WRONG.
Obviously. Otherwise your little homo friend (like, for example, me) wouldn’t have come out to you in the first place but would have continued dating big, masculine folks that come with a permanent penis attachment. Just like the men you enjoy fellating!
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So, amigos, to help you through this difficult transition where you learn about this new side of your recently gay friend, I have some pointers for you. And please listen, so you don’t suck permanently and get cut out of their lives forever. Because, and I know this is hard to believe, but if you aren’t super excited about their gayness, there are about a million folks (especially if they’re hot) who are more than willing to be their new best gay-friendly buddies.
So, first things first…
It is totally okay to ask questions! In fact, I would say that we -- and I know it’s a little much to speak for queers as a whole, but I’m just going to go ahead and do it since it’s my blog -- much prefer it to awkward silence. Number one, straight people tend to have a lot of misconceptions about sexuality and gay sex--well, sex in general -- and I always feel much better when a person can ask me a question and learn the answer, rather than just guessing how things function and spreading bizarre non-facts around.
I’m going to retell a story that happened to a good friend of mine. For the purposes of this story we will be calling her Heather.
Heather is HOMOSEXUAL. Heather’s friend Jane is NOT HOMOSEXUAL.
However, Jane is pretty awesome, so Heather hangs out with her anyway.
Jane and Heather have a very close relationship. One day while getting coffee, Jane asks Heather the oh-so-traditional question: “What is lesbian sex?” Before Heather answers, she asks Jane what she thinks it is.
Jane thinks it is scissoring.
It is not.
Lesbians do not scissor, um. EVER. Just to clear up that misconception. It only happens in straight porn. Well, actually about half the lesbians I know have tried it once because everyone talks about it so damn much, but I’ve never heard of anyone successfully achieving any kind of pleasure from it.
According to Jane, “scissoring” is when two lesbians lay on opposite directions on a bed touching coochies. Then they grasp each other about the thighs and rub until something happens, like an orgasm or a fire. But don’t worry. According to Jane it would be “you know, like, really beautiful.”
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Thankfully, Heather corrected Jane and informed her that said image was not particularly beautiful and also that scissoring was not the primary modus operandi for most lesbians.
But, I want to thank Jane because even though she is obviously clueless when it comes to all things Sapphic, at least she asked, and not in an offensive or even mildly asshole-y way.
Obviously she was confused, and yes I did make fun of her a little, but she’s actually doing the exact right thing. She’s asking her friends questions about things she doesn’t understand to get to know them better. Asking questions also helps your gay friend feel like you are legitimately interested in their life.
It may seem like it’s nicer not to mention the whole “gay thing,” but actually that’s way more awkward than just talking about it. For you, the friend, it seems respectful. For me, the gay, I feel sensitive that you are uninterested in this whole new, big part of my life. I know that’s probably not true, but it comes off that way.
Something that is not cool is shading your question with judgment. I think of this as “The Vomit Technique.”
Friends use the vomit technique when they don’t actually want to understand anything but just want to subtly reconfirm in their minds that gayness is gross.
For example:
I know you are gay, but I mean how do you actually like (small voice) go down on a girl? Isn’t it gross? Like, I think I’d throw up.
Not as gross as the thought of sweaty balls in my mouth, which is something that I’m pretty sure you have to deal with every day. That would make me actually vomit.
Also, if I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t tell you I was into girls. A more acceptable question would be: “Was it scary to go down on a girl?” Totally okay. But, FYI the answer will probably be “No.” Just to prepare you.
Technique number two is not exactly a technique, especially because I don’t think friends mean these questions (or really most of the questions they ask) to be offensive. But, still, they come off as incredibly douchey.
These questions relate to the scary -- if you are straight--subject of female masculinity.
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Questions in this particular vein include:
“How can you like girls that look like that? It’s like an ugly guy.”
“If you’re going to date a girl that looks like a guy why can’t you just, you know, date a guy?”
So, obviously if I am dating someone I do not think they are ugly. Thus, and I know this seems obvious, it is rude to insult the person by saying they’re unattractive.
To clarify though, I don’t think it is rude to say that a girl is masculine or has a masculine energy. A ton of girls--myself included--think this is hot. Androgyny is attractive. And even if you don’t immediately think so, do you know how many straight girls happen to be obsessed with Shane from the L Word?
A shitload, to be specific about it.
For some reason, it’s not okay for me to call your boyfriend fat and ugly, or pimply and ugly, or just ugly, but if a significant other is a masculine girl it is okay to be offensive about it matter-of-factly.
To address the other question above: I don’t want to date a guy because I like girls. Masculine girls are still girls and are not guys.
I don’t really know how to be clearer about it than that.
There is also a queer group, bisexual folk, that get another related but silly question asked to them with frequency: Why can’t you just choose to go out with a guy? It would be so much easier on everyone.
Well, because you can’t choose who you fall in love with, just like straight people. Second, gay girls are hot and fun and tend to be pretty open-minded… so there’s that.
Anyway, I hope this was informative for you all. Please pass this along to any straight friends in need of an education.
Brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack,
Ariel
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